'My Hubby And I Are Not Friends On Social Media' This Mom Shares Why This Set-Up Works

We all probably know a handful of married couples who share one social media profile and are friends with many more who have separate accounts but remain connected as online friends.  Not unlikely, however, are those couples who not only have separate accounts but opt not to be friends on social media. 

My hubby and I are not friends on social media

One couple found this set-up to be one of their secrets to a happy marriage. “Initially, just as most couples that we know, I thought about sending him a friend invite but I wasn't too sold with the idea of seeing his social media account on my feed,” reveals Dec Mendoza, a mom of two who is happily married to Jojo for 23 years. “I'm not quite sure why, but I guess, I always knew that it wouldn't add any value to our relationship nor will it make any difference. So why fix it, if it ain't broke, right?”

Both have been active on social media since the early 2010s but neither has invited the other as a friend on their Facebook and Instagram accounts since. Expectedly, their set-up has piqued the curiosity of their common friends but Dec would often laugh it off with responses like, "Magkasama na kami gabi-gabi, pati ba naman sa social media need ko pa malaman what he's up to?" 

She admits that there can be downsides to the set-up such as being unable to tag her husband in posts relating to their family trips, get-togethers with their closest relatives, their sons’ or Jojo’s birthday celebrations. Not unusual is for Dec to hand her phone to her hubby from time to time and dictate her password so he could read a funny post she thinks he would like or, if it’s his birthday, read their friends’ greetings on her account. It’s a small hassle she doesn’t mind. 

‘We are our own person’

Dec initially created her social media account to connect and find inspiration from other running and marathon enthusiast like her. In time, she appreciated how her social media set-up with her husband allowed her to maintain her individuality outside of her married life.

“As a married woman and a mom, I still appreciate the fact that I'm able to keep a persona outside of my married life with children. I'm more than a wife and a mom,” she reflects. Like her, Dec feels that the set-up has also allowed her husband to be his own person and nurture his own passions like golf and basketball. “I’d like to think that my husband also has a persona outside our marriage. He's human. A man, nonetheless, and I respect that,” says Dec. 

'If anything I wanted less information—I wanted more mystery and more unpredictability.' —Ian Kerner, American psychotherapist and bestselling author

She says this respect extends to giving each other the freedom to be friends with whoever they want on their respective accounts. “He may even be friends with an ex and I honestly don't know for sure,” says Dec. While she agrees that online platforms can be a venue for infidelity or indiscretions, she believes if a person decides to have an affair then nothing can prevent it from happening even if one is friends or not with his or her spouse on social media.

The disconnection on social media can mean deeper connection in real life for couples, says psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Ian Kerner. In a 2015 interview, he says that technology has made it more challenging for today’s couple to focus on each other and their family life than it was in previous generations. He has observed this is his own relationship that he came to a point where he too unfriended his wife before eventually deleting his own Facebook account. “I didn’t want all of that extra information,” he said.

“If anything I wanted less information—I wanted more mystery and more unpredictability. I didn’t want to know that she was posting about being tired or having her third coffee for the day. So I specifically unfriended her during my brief tenure on Facebook. It’s something that I do recommend to couples.”

Kerner adds, “There’s something about being in a relationship where you want some unknowingness and some unpredictability.” 

For Dec, the set-up works for her and her Jojo because it all boils down to trust and respect. “Marriage is a work in progress, and everyone has a different path and belief on how it should be,” she asserts. 

How to make social media complement your relationship

The way couples regard social media also matters and Dec believes that the things that are nurtured behind the platform is what is essential. She has these tips for other couples on how they can regard social media so it becomes complementary to their relationship rather than a platform for doubt and mistrust. 

1. Trust your partner.

Trust that he/she is wise enough to know what is best for your relationship and at the same time, what is best for him/her as an individual. Whether that includes you or not. 

2. Don't take social media so seriously.

I read somewhere that "your social media is not private, your life is." Social media is a platform for us to curate what we want to share with the rest of the world while keeping our "real" life private. 

3. Make a conscious effort to laugh together and make each other laugh.

Show him/her a post that you know would tickle his funny bone even if it means handing your phone to your partner or sharing your passcode with him/her.

4. Give each other space to grow outside of your relationship.

As humans, we need to continue to grow and learn so we become the person we should be. 

5. Take up a hobby.

This will keep you distracted and you'll have less time to notice the "small" stuff that doesn't really matter. I appreciate the fact that my husband has his own hobbies, sports and interests. I think this makes him an even more lovable and caring husband and father to our sons.