Love Lines: 9 Burning Relationship Issues Answered

Falling in love, while often an exhilarating experience, could also be a complicated setup especially when couples fail to see eye to eye. No relationship is without its challenges, so when trouble starts brewing on the homefront and we couldn't find the answers we're looking for, we turn to the experts for straight-to-the-point, honest-to-goodness advice.

Our relationship counselors are renowned experts in their own right: Michele Alignay, M.A. is a parenting consultant and a resource speaker on family life and relationships at the Love Institute. Pilar Tolentino, meanwhile, is a counselor at the Center for Family Ministries (CEFAM).

Here are the 9 burning questions* on relationships, and our experts' advice:

1. “It’s been five years since I gave birth to our son but my partner and I still haven’t gotten married, due to financial reasons. I know people tend to look at unmarried live-in couples in a bad light, and I’ve become very conscious of this. How do I reassure myself that we’re doing the right thing?” - Myra, Nueva Ecija

The fact that you are seeking help and are “becoming conscious” of what other people say about your live-in situation means there is turmoil inside you, stemming from unresolved values – what you think is right, what is morally upright, what others say is right and what others expect from you.

If you believe that it is okay to be living-in and your own values affirm it, then don’t mind what other people say, and do not fret about it. You can only be at peace and be reassured if your ideals, your words and actions are all aligned with one another. If you live by what you believe to be right, then you will be at peace with your situation. Only you can reconcile this, so if your situation bothers you, do something about it. - Michele

2. “A few days ago, I discovered that my husband was having an affair with his office mate. I confronted him about it in a fit of rage and he answered back by admitting to it. He claims that the girl has already broken it off but I don’t believe this. I still love my husband very much, but I am finding it hard to forgive him despite having undergone counseling. I feel very much betrayed and broken. What can I do to help myself recover from this incident?” - Aggie, Bulacan

Forgiving someone who has broken your trust benefits not only the offender but also the offended. You owe it to yourself to forgive because you deserve to have peace.

Start by accepting your situation. You cannot change the past, but if you really intend to work on your relationship, resolve your trust issues first, including whatever emotional baggage is hindering forgiveness. Make tangible steps to start your relationship anew. Embrace a new perspective and start your journey to healing and forgiveness. - Michele 

3. “I’m a single mom and I’ve managed to become friends with my ex. He’s already married now and I’m happy for him, but I just cannot get along with his wife. He’s urging me to establish a good relationship with her but I just can’t stand the thought of it. Should I try? Is it the right thing to do? If it is, what steps can I take?” - Micmic, Quezon City

I believe that being friends with someone, be it a stranger or your ex's wife, happens naturally, and cannot be forced. Given your situation, what is important is that you deal with her in an appropriate manner. First and foremost, respect from all parties is very important, and this includes refraining from making unnecessary comments and judgments. You don’t have to like each other, but you can all co-exist in a civil manner for the sake of your child. - Michele

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4. “I married a man who has a son from a previous relationship. I love his son as if he were my own. It’s just that I’m having such a hard time raising him because he’s rather spoiled. He makes big demands and he expects us to oblige each and every one of them. It’s gotten to the point where I’m actually thinking twice about staying with my husband. What can I do?” - JE, Manila
 
One important aspect in raising a child is being consistent; therefore it is important for you and your husband to be on the same page always. You have to discuss your concerns with your husband.
Along with this, try your best to connect with the child, as this will improve your communication lines greatly. Expect the worst, but don’t discount the possibility of establishing a relationship with him altogether. It won’t be easy, but it’s worth the try. Don’t run away from the problem, as this will only lead to bigger problems later on. - Michele

5. “My husband is a seafarer, and in the rare moments that he’s on a break from his duties, he spends a lot of time drinking with his buddies and goes home very late. He’s become very moody as well and irritable. What can I do?” - Annalyn, Pasig

It would help to first find out the reason for your husband’s behavior. If there is a particular concern bothering him, you can try to find ways to resolve the issue together.

It is also important for you to express how you feel about your husband’s behavior and how this is affecting your relationship. The purpose of the dialogue is to be able to freely express a concern and find a way to be a loving partner to the other. During the talk, it is important to keep judgments at bay. While both of you could be hurting, love now requires that each listens first and tries to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. - Michele

6. “I feel guilty. I am a married woman but I have crushes on other men. I’m ashamed to admit that I’m attracted to this male officemate that I work closely with. Is this wrong?” - Remina, Makati

It is natural for people to get attracted to the opposite sex, even as they get old, and even when they are already married. We however should be careful, because dwelling too much on the attraction and the object of the attraction can be harmful to the person and the marriage.

When you find yourself in such a situation, use it, rather, as an opportunity to improve your relationship with your partner. Try to understand the reason/s behind the attraction. What traits draw you to this person? Is it something that you can work on with your partner?

Attractions usually reveal our own needs and aspirations, and we often find “fulfillment” in it. Rather than focusing on the object of our attraction, try instead to look deeper into the need that you are trying to fulfill. Then you may be able to find ways of responding to these needs in a healthier way – alone, or with the help of your spouse. - Pilar

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7. “My husband works abroad, and last Christmas he bought an expensive, extravagant gift for our daughter, but got nothing for me. I can’t help but feel sad about this. I managed to joke about it so he would feel my disappointment, but he just laughed it off and said that he would give me something special next time. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Am I right to feel bad about this?” - Deanna, Manila

In a marriage, it is important that each partner can freely communicate his/her feelings to the other. If you felt sad about what happened, it would do your relationship good if you can let your partner know about it. Small matters like this can build up if they are not addressed properly.

In addition, voicing out your feelings can then be an opportunity for the couple to practice their listening skills, and work towards understanding and acceptance.  - Pilar

8. “Do you think I should let my wife have access to my mobile phone, or would that constitute invasion of my privacy?” - Jerome, Taguig

Firstly, why do you think your wife would feel the need to access your mobile phone? How do you feel about it? Some possible areas of concern could be trust, or a sense of security in the relationship. Once you’ve settled this, it will be easier to discuss boundaries, or if this would still be necessary at all. - Pilar

9. “I love my wife as my partner and as my children’s mother, but secretly, I’m ashamed to be seen with her in public sometimes because she’s gained so much weight through the years. I just miss how sexy my wife used to be prior to getting pregnant. Am I bad for feeling like this? I feel so guilty about it.” - Bryan, Pasay

It is natural to have some expectations from our partners, and it is normal to feel as you do when these expectations are not met. Re-assess your expectations. Talk to your wife - but be gentle, as this is a sensitive matter. Try raising the issue by focusing on health rather than appearance, and you may just get a more positive response. - Pilar

*Questions were based on real-life situations sent in by readers of smartparenting.com.ph. Names have been changed to protect their identity.

 

CENTER FOR FAMILY MINISTRIES (CEFAM) is an apostolate of the Society of Jesus that seeks to promote family well-being, healing, and growth; through family counseling, workshops and pastoral counseling training programs.  You may contact CEFAM at (632) 4264289 or visit www.cefam.ph.

The Love Institute aims to helps individuals, couples, parents and families address their relationship needs through training/education, counseling and consultations.3/F MQI Center, C. Arevalo cor E. Abada Sts. Loyola Hts., Quezon City.love.institute@yahoo.com.ph * michele.loveinstitute@gmail.com, (02)4364-143