1. I feel like my marriages in real trouble. What can I do?
Don’t put it off. It is fairly common now for married couples to get some professional help. Don’t be afraid to admit that there is a problem. It is best to start seeking for a solution as soon as you sense the first signs of an impending problem.
2. How are marriage and family therapists different from other mental health professionals?
Marriage and family therapists are formally trained in various models of therapy in order to prepare them for work with families, couples, individuals, and groups, in issues especially concerning family and marriage. They are qualified to provide mental health services. This kind of therapy aims to render significant improvements in relationships emotionally and physically. The field of marriage and family therapy is recognized as a core mental health profession, along with psychiatry, psychology, and social work.
3. My husband is against going to a marriage and family therapist. How can I convince him?
Male spouses are more commonly opposed to the idea of marriage interventions, especially when the term “therapist” is used. Our society also holds the mistaken belief that only those with a mental illness can benefit from therapy. Explain to him that we all traverse normal and expected phases in life, each posing challenges and possible pitfalls. The family may need special support to make necessary changes and adjustments. Therapy can help ameliorate problems, strengthen relationships, and prevent problems from getting out of hand. Emphasize your need to reconnect with him and how this can make a big positive impact on your relationship with your kids, too.
If he still refuses to go, then don’t force him. Give him time to think things over.
4. Is it really necessary to take my wife out on a date every week? We have tons of household chores to do and piles of bills to pay!
Don’t get lazy about your relationship with your spouse. Marriage is like a financial investment. If you stopped putting money in your savings account, then you shouldn’t expect to find much money in it. Marital relationships need a regular investment of time and effort—and yes, may cost you a heap sometimes—to reap more positive outcomes. Most good relationships require a lot of work. It takes a daily investment of time, communication, and really being there when your partner needs you, to have a great marriage.
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5. I try not to express anger in front of my husband even though I’m really upset because I don’t want him to see me as a weakling. Is this bad?
We all need to learn to express our feelings and emotions appropriately, even when we are upset. It is the key to good communication in a marriage. There is no need to stage a drama or to raise your voice. It’s important, though, to count to 10 to relieve your immediate anger, then go on to tell your husband exactly what is bothering you, as nicely and calmly as you can manage.
6. Is it true that I should always put my husband’s needs first? What about my needs?
Putting your needs last will cause you nothing but frustration and anxiety. You will probably end up resenting your spouse, which may only hurt your marriage. Put your “partnership” first, which means prioritizing both of your needs.
7. After 10 years of being married, I feel like things have changed between my wife and I. Should I be seriously alarmed?
Marriage involves constant growing and changing. It evolves through the years, and couples will always be facing new joys as well as new challenges. Focus on working on a
good partnership so that both of you will be able to adjust and accommodate these changes.
8. I get annoyed when my husband can’t tell when I want a simple hug or his help in the kitchen. Why can’t he get a clue?
Your spouse CAN’T always anticipate your needs, because he’s not a mind reader. A good marriage entails good communication. You need to get into the habit of telling each other what your needs and wants are to be able to effectively respond to each other.
9. My wife insists I should put away my cell phone when we’re out on a date or when we’re out with our kids during weekends. She says calls about work disrupt our family time. What should I do?
Every call from and about work when you’re set to have fun with your wife and kids strains your family relationships. Both spouses should try their best to be present physically and mentally during family time. Let your boss, subordinates, or co-workers know that you prefer not to be contacted for non-emergency issues, and give alternative ways of reaching you such as via email, or a one-time text message.
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10. My wife always accuses me of failing to recognize her needs. Shouldn’t we be taking care of our own needs independently?
Each spouse should be capable of being independent, but should also learn to be interdependent. It is as important to understand your own needs and to learn to express them to your wife, and she to you. Marriage is a partnership that involves helping each other to fulfill both your needs, not just your own.
11. My husband says that since I don’t go to work in the morning, my sleep is less valuable than his. He ignores our baby’s cries, and I am up all night. What should I do?
Your husband may not be fully aware that even if you don’t go to work, what you do at home all day is real work. Explain to him calmly that taking care of the baby is already a 24-hour job. Talk to him and relay your concerns. Tell him, too, that it’s his chance to bond with your child. Agree on how to split the night duties with him; work out a schedule, if necessary. Both of you should have enough rest, because it is an essential tool that helps you care for your baby the best you can.
12. My husband’s a spoiler and I’m not. We always end up fighting if our child misbehaves. How can we fix this?
Differing styles in disciplining children can make a marriage bumpy. However, whatever it is that you are arguing about, it is never a good idea to do so in front of your children.
Also, avoid contradicting your spouse when he’s in the middle of disciplining your child. You should both sit down and come up with good discipline ideas that you can both agree on. If the children are old enough to get involved in a family discussion, then let them join in and discuss the rules with them as well.
13. I’ve been married for three years, and things have always been great. But ever since our son was born, it seems like all my husband and I do is argue—about money, our mothers, who gets more sleep. When does this fighting end?
Marital tensions ease in their own time, and it greatly depends on the many factors that cause it: from your child’s sleeping habits to finances, to your work schedules. You and your husband are not alone. No one escapes new-parent stress and we just have to swallow a bitter pill every now and then. You can minimize problems down to a more manageable size by focusing on the most stressful issues at hand (your lack of sleep, for example) and simply talking to your partner about them. Be open and prepared to listen to his issues as well, because he will have some. Just acknowledging that both of you are sleep deprived, for one, can prevent resentment from coming out later.
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14. My husband has not given up his pre-baby lifestyle up to now. He still plays with his basketball league during the week and hangs out with his friends almost every Saturday night. Am I wrong for wanting him to make our 7-month-old daughter and I his top priorities?
While you cannot bar him from going out, he also needs to understand that he can’t check out every Saturday from parenting duties. The only way to bring about change is to foster understanding. You both need to alter your habits out of love and respect for each other and your baby. Explain to him that you need his help in taking care of your baby. But at the same time, you know that neither of you should be forbidden to enjoy time with friends. His sports league or your weekly manicure, are privileges that are subject to change, depending on the needs of your family.
15. Sometimes I’m jealous of my baby! I wish that I get as much love and attention from my husband as our baby gets.
Your husband may feel the same way, particularly if he only sees the little tyke for a few hours after work. This would explain how he finds more time to snuggle with your baby but not with you. In addition, your husband may not realize that you still crave for his attention. Instead of saying, “We never talk anymore,” tell him that you’d like to have dinner together. Make sure there’s no TV, no phone, no baby. For the first few meals, you may have trouble thinking of something to say other than, “How’s your fish?” but persistence will win the day. Soon you’ll find that there’s plenty of love and attention for everyone.
16. I feel so exhausted from always trying to make sure my husband is happy. Is this wrong?
A happy marriage means both spouses are generally happy. It will not be a bed of roses all the time, but it shouldn’t also be a burden to either of you. You each need to put energy into making both yourself and your spouse happy. Marital bliss depends on good communication, real partnership, effort, adaptability, and total commitment.
17. I got so mad at my husband because he forgot our anniversary. I still can’t seem to get over it until now. What can I do?
What he did might be offensive to you, but do not push it to be unforgivable. Don’t spend your time blaming and getting angry at him. Talk to him and tell him how this has made you very upset. Do not compound his error by holding a grudge longer than necessary. Forgive him and move on.
Photography by Jun Pinzon
SOURCES:
• Violeta Bautista, Ph.D., psychologist and family therapist, Care and Counsel Wellness Center
• Mayang Pascual, marriage and family counselor
• Websites: parenting.com; parentwonder.com, life.familyeducation.com
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