Jaclyn Jose’s Passing Reminded Me Of My Guilt From My Mom’s Death; What Other Adult Kids Should Know

Smart Parenting's Perspective article series is our editorial team's take on the parenting and family issues today's Filipino families are facing. Through these opinion pieces, we as the country's leading parenting media brand hope to spark conversations and help fellow parents achieve our shared goal: to raise happy, healthy families.

Nothing can make you realize that you’re an adult more than the day you lose your parents. It’s the cold realization that you won’t ever hear that voice that can comfort you through anything, no one to validate your decisions, and no “home” to run to when you feel like the world is against you.

As someone who recently lost her mother, I have found that any news of a parent’s death in the news or social media, personally devastating. The death of beloved actress, Jaclyn Jose, for example, not only brought back memories of my own experience, but also highlighted the unfortunate reality of public judgment and criticism that grieving families often face. As if dealing with a death wasn’t bad enough, adult children also typically face unwarranted comments pertaining to the care and the decisions they made for their parents.

Perhaps one can only understand an adult child’s perspective in such situations when one has already experienced it.

'We are already our harshest critics, constantly double-guessing and replaying the decisions we made and actions we did during those last few days we spent with our parents. We don’t need anyone else to tell us to feel guilty. Because we are already drowning in our guilt.'-Author

Grieving adult children don’t need your judgment

My parents were separated right from the start, with my dad migrating to the US right after I finished university. So for most of my life, it was just me, my mom, and a few extended relatives. Right before I got married, I asked my mom if she wanted to live with us, but she declined, saying that it would be unfair for me and my husband. She wanted us to grow as our own family, and up to this day, I thank her for pushing that for us. As I believe that it’s a big part of why my husband and I have a solid relationship. Despite living in different cities, we still made time to see each other once to twice a week, more so when her first grandchild, our eldest daughter came. She was still a constant presence, oftentimes visiting us, taking care of the baby while I go on a much-needed alone time, even doing school drop offs and pickups when we’re busy with work, and staying with us for days at a time whenever my husband had out of town trips.

The pandemic brought us closer, quite literally, as we moved back to live with her. Initially, it was supposed to be temporary, when I needed help taking care of the kids while my husband was in quarantine because of COVID. But, we never left. Call it pandemic realizations, but we decided that staying with her as a family is what’s best for us at the time. Of course, everyone had to adjust. But as it turned out, our move back came at exactly the right time.

'So instead of judging us and coming after us, here’s one thing you can do, learn from us. Let us be the reminder you need to cherish the time with your aging parents.'-Author

After about a year or so, my mother was diagnosed with CUPS, or cancer of unknown primary source, this after being a breast cancer survivor of more than 16 years. After a year of chemotherapy for CUPS, a bout of headache turned out to be metastatic brain cancer. And a few weeks after, she’s gone.

To say that the months, weeks encompassing her diagnoses, treatments, and eventual passing were challenging would be an understatement. I was constantly torn, fraught with guilt and tough choices. I had to divide my attention and resources between her and my children. Going with her for checkups or during her hospital stays would mean missing my kids’ school activities. Spending for her hospitalizations would mean less resources for the family’s other needs. It was the same guilt no matter what I chose. Guilt for not being a good daughter because I have to take care of my kids. Guilt for not being a good mom because I have to take care of my mother.

Suffice to say, adult children grieving the loss of their parents don’t need additional judgment. Because chances are, we are already judging ourselves on our own. We are already our harshest critics, constantly double-guessing and replaying the decisions we made and actions we did during those last few days we spent with our parents. We don’t need anyone else to tell us to feel guilty. Because we are already drowning in our guilt.

So instead of judging us and coming after us, here’s one thing you can do, learn from us. Let us be the reminder you need to cherish the time with your aging parents. Make an effort to connect with them amidst life’s busyness.

Here are the reasons why it’s important for you to check in with your parents

1. Emotional support

As our parents age, their social circles may diminish, and they may face emotional and physical challenges. Regular check-ins from adult children can provide much-needed emotional support and reassurance, reminding them that they are not alone in their journey.

2. Practical assistance

Dealing with everyday tasks do not fade with age, they just change form. So offering help with technology, healthcare, or household tasks can significantly ease our parents’ daily lives.

3. Shared experiences

Relationships thrive on shared experiences. So maintaining contact allows for the creation of new memories and the celebration of new milestones together, enriching both the parents’ and the children and their family’s lives.

4. Mutual growth

The parent-child dynamic evolves, offering opportunities for mutual growth. Adult children can learn from their parents’ wealth of experience, while parents can take pride in their children’s achievements and perspectives.

The uncomfortable truth is that our parents are aging, and the moments we have with them are finite. Recognizing this reality urges us to prioritize our relationships with them, ensuring that we don’t look back with regret but with gratitude for the time well spent and love fully expressed. So here’s your reminder to make that call, to schedule that day spent as a whole family, to maintain connections with your aging parents. Make the most of every cherished opportunity to enrich our lives and theirs in the time we have left together.

Read here to learn more about coping with grief.

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About the author

Em Cruz serves as a Section Editor for Smart Parenting and is a mother to two determined girls.