Single Moms And Weekend Dads: A Guide to Peaceful Co-Parenting

Nobody usually plans on becoming a single parent. Many of us dream of that white-picket-fence family, but there are things that just do not turn out the way we expect, and choices have to be made according to the situation. But whether single parenthood is a matter of circumstnace or a personal choice, the welfare of the children should always be the priority; Mom and Dad may part ways, but it does not mean they cannot raise their kids together.

Bunny Ty, a teacher and school counselor at The SchoolRoom, Inc., observed that separated parents who continue to be angry with each other can spur anxiety and anger in their children—towards one or both parents and even themselves. Prevailing conflicts between parents can make children feel that they have to choose sides or they might lose either or both parents. Ty also added that kids have the tendency to blame themselves for their parents’ separation.


Working As A Team
Cara Galang-Fernandez, a developmental psychologist and a psychology professor at the Ateneo de Manila University, suggests that separated parents should have a common understanding about what they want for their children and should have concrete plans on how to keep the stability of the their children’s lives in terms of education, finances, household rules, discipline, visitation schedules, and holidays.

It’s best if you and your ex spouse can settle the following issues as early as possible, so you can both transition more smoothly into your new roles as estranged but peacefull co-parents.  Emotions might still be volatile at this point, so have your discussion at a neutral location so that if tempers fly and arguments arise, they won’t be witnessed by your kids.

However, don’t leave out your kids in decisions that concern them, either. They are the most serious casualty in any separation and must have a say in the major adjustments they’ll soon undergo—being shuttled between two homes, splitting holidays and special occasions, etc. Consult about these things with your children after your and your ex spouse’s discussion, preferrably together—a united front sends the message that although Mom and Dad no longer live together, they’re  still a team.

 

Click here to learn more about how to handle school and financial matters.

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Read on to learn more about how to handle school and financial matters.

 

School Matters
Parents should constantly communicate with each other about their children’s class schedules, extra-curricular activities, assignments, and other schoolwork. Whether it be through online instant messaging, email, or mobile phones, it’s best to alot even just 15 minutes a day where both parents are free from distractions just to keep tabs on their children’s affairs—an upcoming PTA meeting, whether or not their child can join a karate class, how their child’s grades are doing, etc. Setting this “updating period” at the same time every day helps establish it as a routine.

Parents should also discuss who will attend PTAs and join the children for school events, and make sure that people in school like teachers and administrators are informed of their situation. It is also ideal for estranged couples to work towards being able to attend school functions together or as a family.


Money Talk
Arrangements on finances are highly sensitive, that’s why parents should clearly identify expenses that should be shouldered by both parents. When listing down household expenses, for example, divide each one by how many reside at home. If you, your child, and a helper live at home, divide the electricity bill, for example, by three, and allocate your house help and your child’s consumption as that which you and your ex spouse should share. So, if your electricity bill averages at P3,000, for instance,  then your child’s and the help’s consumption comes out to around P2,000. You and your ex spouse then each pay P1,000 as your individual “co-parenting share,” while you pay an additional P1,000 for your own consumption of electricity. Though it may feel like you’re paying extra, try to remember that your ex spouse will also now have his own household expenses in his new home.

This only works well, however, if both parents are gainfully employed. There are factors that  may prevent shared finances from being split 50-50—like if there is great disparity between salaries, or if only one parent is employed. In the case of the former, asking an accountant friend to help determine the salary-commensurate amount each parent should share in the finances can be a good idea. It’s a bit unfair, after all, for both parents to individually cough up, say, P5000 a month when one is earning P60,000 and the other only P18,000.

 

Click here to read on about how to maintain discipline and arrangements during holidays.

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Read on to learn more about how to maintain discipline and arrangements during holidays.

 

To avoid problems concerning finances, make sure that financial support/payments are given on time, and keep receipts and financial records of expenses as a show of good faith in how each parent’s money is being spent.

Financial contributions from your co-parent may not always come on time. When this happens, consciously avoid taking your frustration out on his or her relationship with your children, i.e. don’t stop them from spending their scheduled weekend together. Instead, discuss the issue with your co-parent and think up ways to ensure that finances are not delayed. You can employ post-dated checks, for instance, or ask for a month’s worth of “deposit,” just so there are emergency funds the next time delays cannot be avoided.


Two Homes, Same House Rules
It is important that rules and methods of discipline remain consistent in both parents’ respective houses. A copy of the “house rules” should be posted in both homes (e.g. no TV before dinner, softdrinks are allowed only on weekends, brush teeth by 8:00 p.m., etc.).

Agree on how misbehavior is handled. If a certain misdemeanor is met with a period of Time Out in one parent’s house, the same should hold true in the other’s. True co-parenting and effective discipline can only take place if the child receives the same message and values from both parents.


Schedules and Holidays
Specific arrangements regarding holidays and special occasions have to be discussed and agreed on. For example: children can spend weekdays with one parent and the weekends with another; they can also consider an every-other-week sleeping arrangement. But what is important in this matter is that the children are assured that both parents are there for them.

It is important to establish trust from the beginning. Make sure that if a parent promised to spend weekends with the children, the parent has to fulfill that promise. Children, especially young ones, greatly depend on the stability and consistency of their parents. The last thing children need at this time is an erratic schedule and sense of unpredictability. Children need that routine, that sense of regularity and consistency to recover their trust in their parents, family, and their environment.

 

Click here to read on about how to keep old and bring in new traditions at the same time.

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Read on to learn more about ow to keep old and bring in new traditions at the same time.

 

Keeping their respective individual time with their kids is important, but it would be even more ideal if Mom and Dad can spend one day a week together on recreational activities with the kids, like most typical families. This can help give kids a sense of completeness.


Traditions: Keep Some Old Ones, Make Some New Ones
Consistency in routine plays a key role in helping children cope with now having two homes when there used to be only one. Things become more complicated when one or both parents take on a new partner.  During the first year with a new partner, try to keep as much of the rituals as you can—pancakes for breakfast on Sundays whether they’re at Mom’s or Dad’s house, a trip to the mall after Mass, etc. Later on, you can start making new rituals that gradually integrate your new partner into your children’s lives without severing all their rituals with you and your ex spouse.

Strengthen your kids’ support systems. Family extension like lola, lolo, tita, tito, and cousins can be very helpful in maintaining children’s sense of security. A good relationship with teachers can also help significantly, as teachers play a great role in your children’s development.


Legally speaking
Custody arrangements settled in court usually include  holiday and visitation plans. However, for cases where there is no legal separation, the general rule of the Family Code of the Philippines  states that both parents should exercise joint parental authority. Hence, before considering nitty-gritty legal solutions, it is still advisable to exhaust amicable options when it comes to shared custody of the children.


SOURCES:
•    Bunny Ty, teacher/school counselor, The SchoolRoom, Inc., Ortigas
•    Cara Galang-Fernandez, developmental psychologist and psychology professor, Ateneo de Manila University
•    Website: helpguide.org/mental/coparenting_shared_parenting_divorce.htm

 

Photography by Jun Pinzon