Stay or Leave? 10 Real-Life Relationship Situations

You and your husband exchanged “I dos” and vowed to love each other “for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part” on your wedding day. But at some point in your marriage, you may encounter major conflicts where your commitment to your vows - and to each other - will be tested. There’s no quick solution when there’s serious tension in your union and no easy answer when it comes to deciding whether to stay with your spouse or leave him, as every marriage is different.  

Pilar Tolentino, executive director of Center for Family Ministries (CeFaM), an organization in Ateneo de Manila University that offers counseling services to families, says, “As counselors, we don’t make decisions for people who come to us. We help them understand their situation and assess available options to make a decision and take action.”

Lory Cipriano, a marriage counselor at CeFaM, states, “Our goal in giving psycho-spiritual counseling is for married couples to realize that their first function and obligation is to their spouse; next, to their children. We guide them in finding the root of their conflict in the hope that their family lives and marriage would be saved.”

Dette Gamba, management  officer, single mom to three girls,  and facilitator of a single-parents ministry, has experienced a lot of conflicts in her marriage. She now gives sound advice to fellow separated or single parents. “My experiences can help other people who are going through the same things I did.” Dealing with a marriage issue? Here’s advice from our experts and valuable insights from other parents.

1. “My husband is an alcoholic who comes home late and barely has time for the kids. But when he is sober, he is loving and responsible.”
Cipriano: “Addiction problems such as alcoholism require rehabilitation. Do not tolerate your husband’s addiction; otherwise, you will be creating a co-dependent relationship. I had a case where the wife decided to take the kids and leave her husband. She did not take him back until he got treatment and was completely sober. It took some time for the husband to clean up his act. They’re back together now and their marriage is stronger than ever.”

Gamba: “Stay. Talk to him when he is sober. Tell him the effects of his alcoholism on your relationship and his relationship with the kids. Do not fight or nag him when he is inebriated.”

2. “My husband is a workaholic and my kids and I rarely see or spend time with him. But he provides well for the family, financially.”
Cipriano: “Talk to your husband and express your concerns and your expectations. Sit down and plan way ahead, blocking off dates in your calendar for couple dates and family outings if need be.”

Gamba: “Stay. It is just a matter of setting priorities straight and time management.”

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3. “My husband cheated on me and has illegitimate children. But he is a caring father to his legitimate children and puts them first.”
Cipriano: “Before pointing fingers at someone, look into yourself as well and evaluate your shortcomings as a wife, from physical to relational. Your inadequacies, however, are never an excuse for your spouse to look for his unfulfilled needs elsewhere. But by realizing your shortcomings as well as his and talking about it, you can still save your marriage by laying both your expectations on the table.”

Kathy Robles, economic consultant and single mom to Andrei, 8: “Stay. My mom did. My dad has illegitimate children, but he provided for all our needs. He did try to be fair to all of his children. In the end, he patched things up with my mom and has made amends since.”

 

4. “My husband verbally and physically abuses me even in front of our children. But he does not abuse our kids.”
Cipriano: “A mother who endures all forms of abuse by her husband is giving her children the wrong impression - that abuse is an acceptable offense. In the long run, her children may become violent, or turn out to be abusers themselves when they grow up and marry.”

Gamba: “Leave. Abuse almost always progresses over time. It may begin with verbal insults, then a slap, then some blows. It only gets worse.”

Cecil Lim, single mom to a 16-year-old daughter and a 13-year-old son: “Leave. Don’t prolong the abuse. I was abused by my husband in front of our children, and they suffered emotionally because of it. It made me decide to seek help from the court [of law] for protection from further damage.”

5. “My husband is physically and verbally abusive of our children, but he is loving towards me.”
Cipriano: “It depends on the degree of abuse. Does your husband use harsh words and the rod to discipline your kids? You must talk to him and reassess his way of disciplining them. Children who grow up in a harmful environment will self-destruct. Signs of this are low self-esteem, low grades in school, getting into fights, and having the wrong circle of friends. The manifestations get worse as they grow older. On the other hand, children who live in a loving, encouraging home grow up to be secure, confident, and well-disposed.”

6. “My husband is a gambler and has stopped providing for our family.”
Cipriano: “Sometimes, transformation can only occur when the person hits rock bottom, stripped of his security in the form of his immediate family. I had a case where the wife took her kids and left her husband to fend for himself. It was during his solitude that he came to his senses.”

Gamba: “Leave before he pulls you down with his vice. You can always find ways to provide for your needs and your children’s. It is not healthy for your kids to be exposed to your husband’s vice. But talk to your husband and make your reasons clear for leaving him temporarily, until he corrects his ways.”  

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7. “My husband has fertility problems and cannot have children. But he’s been the perfect husband to me!”
Cipriano: “In marriage, your first vocation is to your husband. Children may or may not come into your lives, but you have each other.”

Gamba: “Stay. Let him know that you love him despite his inability to give you children and you will continue to do so. You can also look into adoption.”

8. “My husband has financial challenges and is in debt. He does not know how to manage money.”
Gamba: “Stay. As long as there is a loving and trusting relationship between you two, you can overcome anything. You need to help each other by having dual income and living simply. Read up on financial management, even just on the Internet. Monitor your expenses and create a budget. Make sure a portion of your income goes to repaying the debt.”

9. “My husband developed psychological problems (i.e. bipolar disorder, depression, etc.) and can no longer fulfill his duties as husband and father.”
Cipriano: “Having studied psychology and now working with in-house psychiatrists, we are able to identify if the person seeking counsel has a psychological problem. In this case, as counselors, we ask the person if he is open to talking to a psychiatrist. We refer him to a specialist who is more equipped in addressing and even treating the problem.”

Georgia Fabian*, banker with a 16-year-old daughter and a 13-year-old son: “Leave if your husband is abusive and refuses to seek medical help. A spouse undergoing depression has a tendency to become violent. This can manifest either through physical or verbal abuse to his immediate family. In my experience, it was usually focused on me.”

10. “My husband and I have become sexually inactive because of medical reasons. But we get along in other aspects of our marriage.”
Cipriano: “Lovemaking deepens the psychological bond between spouses. But sexuality is two-fold - biological and relational. Just because the intercourse is lacking does not mean the sexual aspect is void in your marriage. Husband and wife must realize that all senses have a function in sexuality. Sexuality has no end, even in old age. You just have to find ways to express your affection and build that bond between you as you grow old.”

Gamba: “Stay. There will come a time anyway when sexual activity between a couple will wane. What is important is that you and your husband have that good, loving bond when you reach your golden age. In the meantime, try to work on how to satisfy each other’s needs.”

* Names have been changed to protect privacy

Image from faithbrewings.com