Survival Guide for Pinoy Single Parents: 8 Tips

Being a single parent is one of the toughest positions to hold. Whether it is by choice, pregnancy and birth outside the legalities of marriage, separation, or divorce, it’s a tough boat to keep afloat.

Here are some essential things to keep in mind to get you through the rough times.

 

1. YOU are the parent.

Remember that you are responsible for another life: your child’s. So take charge of the situation. In their book Baby And Childcare, Benjamin Spock, M.D., and Steven Parker, M.D., say that it’s easy for parents to confide their feelings, hope, and dreams to their child, “but by treating your children as peers, the line between parent and child is blurred. If you feel upset about something, they will feel the responsibility of parenting you and attending to your needs.”

Keep in mind that children need to be “children”; they should not be expected to share the responsibility of their parents just yet, especially at an early age. Give your kids time to do the things that kids do. Let them be with their friends, play sports, or do their homework. It’s important to make them feel that they have a dependable and responsible parent looking after them—one they can count on to help them with homework, read a bedtime story with, or cheer them on during a soccer game.

 

2. Stability and consistency is the key.

It’s important to keep changes at a minimum level, especially when it comes to caring for the kids. It’s best to have a regular routine to be able to keep things consistent. Mealtime, bedtime, study time, and even “alone” time should have their own space in the day.

The same goes when it comes to disciplining the child: the single parent should have set rules for the children to abide by. A sense of security and consistency is essential in raising well-grounded and stable children.

 

Click here to read more advice for single parents.

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Read on for more advice for single parents.

 

3. Flush negativity out of your system.

Studies show that the most common factor that sets off negative adjustment and attitude to divorce by kids is a spouse who demeans the other spouse in front of the child. If you find yourself in this situation, put an end to it at once.

Only when the hatred is gone can both parents sit down and properly discuss how to best raise their children.

Settle visitation schedules, financial support, and agree on common discipline methods with your co parent in the most ‘civilized’ way. Positive and transparent communication between two parents is in your children’s best interest. Try to include your children in these talks and decisions, especially if they are old enough to understand what is going on. Negativity only drains a person’s energy. There are other more important things to do and attend to.

 

4. Be honest.

Sugarcoating the family situation only leads to anxiety and distrust. Kids need to know what is happening. They will eventually adjust to changes and are capable of understanding their unique situation if parents explain the issues in words they understand. Don’t risk losing your child’s trust by masking the truth. Honesty and trust make for a solid foundation between parents and children.

Talk to children about possible negative comments from classmates or adults, and always assure them that whatever they hear or see, they can always count on you to help sort things out with them.

 

5. You are single, but not alone.

A single parent tries his or her best to meet the needs of his or her children— but you can’t be both Mom and Dad at the same time, every time.

Bruce Narramore, Ph.D., psychologist and author of the book Help! I’m A Parent, posits that single parents sometimes tend to fall short in helping their children develop a healthy attitude towards both sexes: “But it’s possible.” While there are some things a dad can do that a mom can also do (and vice versa), no other person can take either one’s place. Find other influences and role models for your children in your extended family members, godparents, or teachers.

 

Click here to read more advice for single parents.

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Read on for more advice for single parents.

 

6. Take “time out” together.

Children need attention, guidance, care, and quality time. Prioritize your day-today activities, and set aside quality time for your kids. Take time to enjoy simple pleasures together like a Sunday picnic or a movie date at home. Relaxing can be more rewarding when spent with your kids.

 

7. Call for back-up.

Build a support network and surround yourself with people you can talk with when things go a bit zany. Avoid taking on the “you-and-me-against-the-world” mindset with your child. There may be certain issues that you simply cannot confer with your children but which you cannot also face alone. A support system is crucial for single parents.

Have responsible and significant people in your and your children’s life: from extended family members, friends, and caregivers to school offi cials, teachers, and after-school program instructors. No matter how small their roles are, all of you should be on the same page when it comes to the children’s welfare.

 

8. Set aside time for yourself.

Things become overwhelming when the single parent forgets to set aside time to attend to his or her own needs and wants.

A simple 15-minute break browsing through a magazine while the kids are napping, a weekend getaway to a spa, dating, or hanging out with friends can do wonders. Dr. Narramore explains, “Isolation only makes things tougher. It’s critical to keep up a decent social life.”

Take time to relax and recharge before setting off for another work day. Most importantly, you also need to take care of yourself—get a check up when necessary, eat well, work out, and sleep right. A healthy and happy you means a stronger and more capable parent for your kids.

 

SOURCES:

• Atty. Rosario TR Ganitano, family law practitioner,
• Jimenez Gonzales Liwanag Bello Valdez Caluya & Fernandez Firm (Tel. 815-9071 to 78)
• Help! I’m A Parent by Bruce Narromore, Ph.D.
• Baby And Childcare by Benjamin Spock, M.D., and Steven Parker, M.D.
• “Single Parent? Develop A Plan,” Your Child’s Health publication, 1999
• Websites: babyzone.com, cyh.com

Photography by Patrick Martires