“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways…” – by Elizabeth Barrett Browning
This is a line from one of my favorite poems. Indeed, it often makes me wonder how many ways exactly can we show our love for another person, most especially to our family.
For most grown-ups, love seems to be the most complicated, complex concept in this world. We often think that the concept of love is difficult to fully understanddue to its mysterious nature. Ironically, however, love is actually one of the very first concepts that bring us to being.
Research shows interesting facts on how, as young as newborn babies, we already develop a basic understanding of the nature of love:
• Newborn babies may not exactly understand every word their parents say but they can actually “feel” the emotions behind it. While inside a mother’s womb, babies already start to listen to their parents’ voices but it is not until he is born that he begins tuning himself to their words and sentence patterns to figure out what they are trying to say. • From newborn to 1 month, a baby stays emotionally attuned to the people around him. He can actually understand how others feel through their non-verbal way of communicating with him. This is also his way of discovering how special he is to his parents from the way they respond to his basic needs.
• A baby’s tiny world revolves around his physical and emotional needs. Love, attention, and affection in the first years of life have a direct and measurable impact on a child's physical, mental, and emotional growth. Love and touch actually cause your child's brain to grow, according to Marian Diamond, Ph.D., author of Magic Trees of the Mind: How to Nurture Your Child's Intelligence, Creativity, and Healthy Emotions from Birth through Adolescence.
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• Once a child reach his toddler stage (especially between the ages of 2 and 3), he will begin to understand the basic building blocks of relationships: love and trust. From the way parents and other family members treat him during the first few years of his life, he begins to know that his family deeply cares for him and loves him.
• A child continues his learning development through his power of observation. This allows him to discover more and more complex concepts such as love, trust, time, cause and effect. How he treats others are often a reflection of how his parents relate with him and other people.
The best way to teach our children the concept of love is by actually “showing” it to them. Show them how to love and make them experience what being loved feels like. For them to grow up to be loving, secured, confident and optimistic people, parents should raise their children in an environment where they often feel loved, cared for and understood.
Dr. Gary Chapman, a Christian counselor and author of The Five Love Languages wrote about different ways we can express love thru 5 types of love languages. We can learn from these 5 concepts as a basic point to showing and teaching our children to express love, and the coming New Year is just the perfect time to start this new tradition :
Love Language 1 - Words of Affirmation
Affirmation is one of the best ways to boost our children’s emotional confidence and feel proud of the good things they do. Every good deed our child does – no matter how simple – deserves to be praised.
1. Affirm your child personally.
Words will become more meaningful to them if parents will affirm their child by personally mentioning his or her name. For instance, “very good, Sophia”… “Mico, thank you for helping mummy”… “that’s a great drawing, Isabel”…
2. Be loving, yet firm in our manner of discipline
As much as possible, parents should avoid raising their voice, or use harsh words or even being rough and physical in our manner of disciplining our children. Use positive reinforcement. Rather than saying “that’s bad!” say “that’s not good” or instead of “I hate it when you do that” say “I am not happy with what you did”. Different parents may have different ways of discipline but no matter what, we should always be conscious in making our children understand that they are being disciplined because they are loved. Make sure to explain to them why they are being reprimanded for such and the possible consequences of their actions.
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Love Language 2 – Quality Time
No matter how stressed, tired and busy we may be, our children need our undivided time and attention. More often than not, children who lack time and attention would resort to doing things which would get their parents’ attention, like bullying.
1. Have a regular “family time”.
Set a specific day within the week or time within the day to devote to our family. It could be during dinner time, when you eat together and share events of the day. Or perhaps, keep Sunday as your official “family day”, make sure that you get to do things together like going to Sunday mass as a family, go to the mall or watch a movie, or simply spend a lazy afternoon watching home videos. 2. Spend a few minutes of quality “bed”-time. The time before going to bed is a perfect opportunity for bonding with our children, most especially our preschoolers. What better way to end their day and yours than to tuck them into bed, pray with them before going to bed and read their favorite bedtime stories, especially those that promote love. Suggested books: “Guess How I Love You” by Sam Mc Bratney or “The Runaway Bunny” by Margaret Wise Brown.
Love Language 3 – Giving Gifts
Gifts need not be expensive in order to send a powerful message of love. Although gift-giving is a love language, try not to spoil our children too much, of course.
1. Give gifts as a reward for good deed or to celebrate a special occasion.
These are 2 of the best reasons to be giving gifts to our children so as not to spoil them. Giving gifts does not have to be limited to special occasions like birthdays or Christmas; simple tokens of love can actually be given by “creating” occasions personal to our children. For instance, on the occasion of our child’s “First Day of School”, we can pack for him a special treat in his lunch box, like a home-baked pie or cookie.
Another way is to offer gifts as a reward. For instance, give a “star” for every good deed our children does such as helping with the chores at home, getting good grades, eating vegetables. Give him a special gift or token from mommy and daddy for every 5 stars he collects.
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2. Teach them early on the concept of sharing and giving
Start with the concept of sharing their toys. Most kids, toddlers, especially, have the tendency to be possessive of their toys or anything they know they own. Make them feel good about giving. For instance, whenever my son would attend birthday parties, I make sure that he is personally the one who will hand-over the gift to the celebrant. This will help him appreciate the concept of giving. Or, if our child has toys which he has outgrown or if he receives similar toys as gifts, teach them to set it aside to be given to cousins or relatives of even less fortunate children.
Love Language 4 – Acts of Service
This is perhaps already second nature to most parents. Being able to care for their children’s basic needs is already a given. Even if “yaya” or any other help is available, doing things for them hands-on out of love rather than out of obligation will make it even more rewarding and fulfilling both for the child and the parents.
1. Help and teach our children to take care of their toys.
If there is one cherished possession our children have, it’s their toys. Knowing that these are special to them, they will instantly appreciate having us parents help them care for their toys. Set up a special play area for them. Help them organize their toys in their respective boxes or shelves. Offer time for guided and interactive play with them.
2. Offer basic home education.
Whether parents would opt for Homeschooling or formal schooling in educational institutions, basic learning begins at home. Parents are their children’s first teachers. Be ready to assist them in their schoolwork and assignments. Follow up on what they learn from school and discuss it at home.
For preschoolers, set up a time or a day for basic schooling at home. Be creative in teaching them. Use colorful alphabet flashcards, coloring books featuring their favorite characters, and toys which also has educational functions.
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Love Language 5 - Physical Touch
A constant loving gesture such as a hug, a tap on the shoulder, a pat on the back, stroking the hair or touching their cheek will never fail to offer a warm assurance of love from the parents. This will make our children conscious as well of being too physical and rough to the point of hurting others.
1. Create your own hand-shake or traditional family hug.
Parents can come up with their own way of physical affection which they can share as a family. My husband and my 3-year old son came with their own “father-son hand-shake” which they would often use after a playtime or whenever they simply feel like it. I also encountered another family who came up with their own version of the “bear hug” as their way of affirming one another.
2. Be generous in giving comfort and affection.
The best way to comfort and assure our children of our loving presence is to be physically present in moments when they need us the most. Whenever my 3-year old toddler would fall down or get hurt, I would tell him: “You’re a brave boy. No more “ouch”, okay?” followed by a firm and reassuring hug. This has become sort of a ritual for us already, and whenever something goes wrong, a reassuring hug is all my son needs.
It is often said that “It is impossible to spoil a child with love”, so go ahead. It’s never too late to start. Let’s shower our children with the tender, loving care they all need and deserve. When our children are so full of love, they will have so much love to give as well. .
References:• Research facts from: Newborn Developmental Milestones: Understanding Words, Behavior, Concepts and What Every Baby Needs to Thrive • The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Photo by Robert W. Howington via flickr creative commons
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