Since the dawn of time, when Eve told Adam that they were having apples again for dinner and Adam said, “Oh”, the sexes have since been lost in a primordial quagmire of miscommunication, frustration and lots of thrown apples. In spite of our growth in our understanding of science, technology and baking better apple pies, we still feel lost when it comes to relationships between women and men. So, to wives the world over, hear what husbands have to say:
“Yes”, “No” and “I’m fine” are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Men say what they mean, most of the time. Don’t try to overanalyze the nuances and inflections of it. However, if something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. When Adam said “Oh”, he was affirming his understanding that apples would be for dinner. He didn’t mean, “Oh jeez, it’s apples again! If I have to eat one more stinking apple, I’m gonna go bananas!” We appreciate every little thing you do for us, darling.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Blatantly obvious hints do not work! Just say it! Also remember that if we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the nerve-wracking ordeal of trying to figure it out.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. Loaded questions like, “Am I fat?” are unfair to us. If we say you’re not fat, you think we’re lying. If we tell you you’re fat, you think we’re insensitive beasts.
Also, anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days. We have short memories about these things because our heads are filled with vastly more important things like accounting figures, UAAP scores, Xbox 360 cheat codes, ninjas vs. pirates and quotes from Shawn of the Dead. In fact, don’t ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as basketball, dual-core processor configurations, or beer bong etiquette.
Crying is blackmail. Most guys feel helpless when a woman starts to turn on the waterworks. We can change a tire, fix a leaky faucet, or defrag your hard disk. We cannot figure out how to make you stop crying. We will just stand there looking like idiots and we don’t like doing that.
You might also want to check out these other articles on Understanding Your Husband: Understanding Your Husband: The Man-ifesto (Part 2 of 3)Understanding Your Husband: Weird Things They Do and Why (Part 3 of 3)