Moms often lament that they do not enjoy sex after having kids as much as they did before the little ones arrived -- and there could be several factors that influence this. It could be that they're worried about, er, performance, how they look (or one's idea of what looks hot), or the kids bursting into the bedroom. Pretty legit concerns, actually.
But, don't fret, your sex life is not doomed just because you have a baby or are worried about your long to-do list. And while it’s important that you and your hubby are on the same page when it comes to intimacy, sexual satisfaction should not solely depend on what your partner does or does not do. You can do something about it.
For starters, you have to commit to it and let go when you set aside time for sexy time. Psychotherapist and best-selling author Esther Perel said, "Committed sex is premeditated sex. It is willful, intentional, focused. You will it to happen."
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Relationship expert Dr. Laura Bergman adds that more than the act, you also have to focus on you and your partner. "The more open you are, the more tuned in and present you are with your body, the deeper the sexual connection is going to be," she explains. When you consciously set your mind to it -- and not your new curves in unexpected places or breast milk leak stains -- you can be in the moment and feel it more.
Speaking of feeling it more, your breathing may also be the key to having more satisfying sex with the hubby. Holding your breath just before the big O could minimize the pleasure sensation, according to Jessica O’Reilly, Ph.D., sexologist and founder of The Sexual Pro Series webinars.
"[Holding your breath before you climax happens] for a variety of reasons: nerves, excitement, fear of letting go, an attempt to muffle your sounds so as not to disturb the kids," Dr. O'Reilly told Self. "You can be so focused on the task, you forget to breathe," she added.By doing so, it limits oxygen flow in your body and decreases the sensation. You may be reaching your climax, but not really feeling it. In an article by Cosmopolitan, Alex Katehakis, clinical director of the Center for Healthy Sex in Los Angeles, recommends breathing deeply through your diaphragm, just like in yoga, to increase blood flow into your system, instead of taking shallow inhales and exhales through your chest. "Training yourself to breathe deeply and naturally can enhance your sexual experience," says Dr. O'Reilly. He adds that you can practice the simple technique when you're on your own, if you know what we mean.
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It's a simple technique, but it's also reflex that may be hard to control. Changing the way you breath during sex might could take time to master. Sex therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of She Comes First, also tells Self that breathing helps, but warns women not to overthink it as it's going to be harder to achieve. It's tricky, we know, but not impossible to find that balance. We can all agree that moms already have a lot of chores to deal with, and you don't want sex to be one of them.
While breathing could help you and your partner enjoy better sex, remember that you and you husband can also be intimate in other ways. Having high expectation and forcing it will not be helpful. Consider the three expert tips above but take your cue from each other. What works for other couples may not work for you and your husband, but the process of finding out what gives you both pleasure, now that sounds like fun.
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