Extended Family & Finances: 4 Things to Remember

It is part of every Filipino family dynamic to take on some responsibilities for not only our nuclear families but our extended ones as well. To varying degrees, it is normal and understandable for our parents and in-laws to ask for a little bit of help and assistance when there is need for it. What happens though when the in-laws ask for too much? And how much is too much? How do you, as a couple, deal with the dilemma of having in-laws that pass on too many responsibilities to you? Here are some ideas to dealing with this situation.

1.    Do a check and balance.
Sit down with your partner and discuss the responsibilities you both have to your nuclear family. Remember, taking care of your own family is the priority now.  Take into consideration the resources you will be needing to accomplish these responsibilities and try to really find out what expectations each of you has in terms of being a couple and being parents. This allows you to have a clearer picture of what resources (time, money, etc) you need to keep your own family happy and secure, as well as have an idea of how much you can offer to the in-laws and extended family.

Doing a check and balance of your situation as a family allows you to discuss as well the things that are being asked of you by the in-laws from both sides. As a couple, it would be a good idea to open up to each other about the things that each of you feel you need to take on for your parents. This would also be a great time to share how each of you feel about the demands and pressures you have from each one’s parents. Knowing all these details will prevent any unnecessary resentment or conflict between the two of you in the future.  

 

Click here to read more.

[previous|page|next]

2.    Find a system that works for your family.
There are no clear-cut solutions to dealing with family issues so the best is to decide as a couple what works for you. Some couples decide to keep things even between both sides of in-laws. They peg a certain amount of money, time and resources and stick to that regardless of the individual needs and demands of each pair of in-laws. This is their way of keeping boundaries in check while still being able to give and help out.

Other couples find that one side may be of more need than the other and find solutions to deal with the unique family situations they are presented with. Maybe one side needs more financial aid than the other, but the other has a sick parent or member that needs more time and attention.

Generally though, the idea is to find a system that works for your family and stick to it.       


3.    Stick to your boundaries.
Once you and your partner have decided and agreed on the responsibilities you can take on for each of your in-laws, try your hardest to stick to the system and boundaries you have set as a couple. Make sure you communicate to each side what it is that they can expect of you and stand firm to those boundaries even if they may pressure you to help out more. Maybe explaining to each in-law that though you may want to help out more and take on more responsibilities, it is clear to both you and your partner that securing your own family and children’s welfare comes first and you can only accommodate them so much.

This is the tricky part of dealing with in-laws who demand too much. Understandably, it can be difficult not worrying about their welfare and giving in to too many of their demands because they are, after all, your parents and family. But holding on to the boundaries you have as a couple makes sure that you do not spread yourself too thinly, or get into situations where your own family’s welfare is sacrificed. Remember, your own family and your children are your first priority now and communicating this nicely and politely to the in-laws is a must.

 

Click here to read more.

[previous|page|next]

4.    Be prepared to make some exceptions sometimes.
Nothing in life and family living is as cut-and-dried as we would like. Of course there are times when unforeseen events or situations could arise and you would need to extend a hand a little bit more. Be understanding of your in-laws in situations like these and be prepared to help out. After all, families are meant to help each other out when it really comes down to it, right? Know how much or for how long you will need to take on added responsibilities though so that you and your partner can re-assess and adjust accordingly. 

Family is important and being there to help out and lend a hand is part and parcel of being a good and productive member of both your nuclear and extended families. Helping out the in-laws is a good thing - they are after all your parents and it is good to give back what you can. What is most important to be remembered though is that you now have your own family to care for and deal with as well, and their needs should always come first.


Photo by Images_of_Money via flickr creative commons