Smart Money Moves for Stay-at-Home Moms

These days, it isn’t uncommon for both parents to be working to meet the financial needs of the family. Stay-at-home moms are now becoming the exception rather than the rule, and there are tradeoffs to be made and money issues to be faced in being such.

Among these may be trust issues, as well as feelings of guilt, inadequacy, anger, and resentment. Dealing with these issues can be a cinch if you keep in mind these few simple tips.

Remember your worth
When I was still working, I thought nothing of indulging in occasional shopping sprees or spa treatments. But now that I no longer contribute to our family income, I’m hesitant to spend money on myself even when there’s a little [money] left over at the end of the month. I haven’t had a professional manicure in over a year - Armi Avila, former retail establishment assistant manager and mom to Micah, 7, Philip, 5, and Chloe, 4

All stay-at-home moms know that they hold one of the toughest jobs in the world, one that doesn’t give time off for vacations and illnesses. The least it should do is ‘pay' reasonably.

Tess Carpio, a psychologist with nearly two decades of marriage and family counseling experience, agrees. "When it comes to spending on themselves, guilt seems to be the knee-jerk reaction of many non-working moms," she observes.

To minimize any guilty feelings, Dr. Carpio recommends a trick that has worked for many of her patients: Draw a clear line separating the family budget from personal expenses.

Once funds for the monthly essentials and savings have been earmarked, you and your husband should agree on how much you should each be paid. Whether you call it an allowance, salary, or personal budget is just a matter of semantics; what’s important is that you both agree that this should be money that neither of you have to answer for, money that you can each spend at your discretion without fear of recrimination.

This ensures that neither of you feel deprived nor taken for granted. You can use your personal funds or save them for big-ticket luxuries. Either way, dipping into your own piggy bank should become worry- and guilt-free.

Dr. Carpio adds that non-working moms shouldn.t feel intimidated to negotiate for their allowance. “Use the most practical argument of all - without you at home, the family would have to shell out extra money for a nanny and a helper. Even a fraction of that amount can go to your personal budget. You’re more than worth it.”

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Marriage is a team effort
I feel shut out from making all the important decisions. I don’t get why my husband says 'our kids, our house, our expenses' when it’s all just his money! He insists on paying the bills and handling the savings. I’m always left in the dark. I don’t even know how much we have in the bank. It’s like he doesn’t trust me. - Lennie Dayot, mom to Denise, 11, and Hans, 3

"Remind your husband that marriage is a partnership and that decisions that affect the entire family should be conjugal. But avoid being confrontational," cautions Dr. Carpio. "This is a delicate situation that requires a calm head. The best way to push for change is to present your ideas rationally. Resist the urge to be overly emotional and confrontational by writing down your agenda. Then, sit down and discuss your finances in a relaxing atmosphere, when you’re least likely to be harassed or irritable.”

Try not to fight about expenses as this will give your children a negative outlook towards money, responsibility, and sharing. Instead, ask to be involved in setting the monthly budget when the kids aren’t within earshot. And be sure to show your husband that you have your priorities in order and that, like him, you have the family’s best interests in mind.

Tell your husband that as a mom and wife, your role is co-manager of the home, which means he should trust you enough to do just that - co-manage the day-today operations of the household, including budgeting and expenses.

But don’t expect to do all the talking, says Dr. Carpio. "The only way you can reach an agreement is by listening to each other. Once you’re on the same page, you can set ground rules that you both can live with, such as making big financial decisions together. Also, agree on a budgeting system that works for both of you. The envelope system is a simple yet tried-and-tested method you may want to look into. Using specifically-labeled envelopes helps you prioritize your expenses. By first pulling in the envelopes for important monthly expenses, say, water bills, electricity, rent, groceries, savings, medicines, and loan payments, you’re sure the essentials are already taken care of.”

Depending on your family’s rules, anything left over can be considered spare cash that you can either add to the savings envelope or put into a miscellaneous or entertainment envelope. But for the system to work, you have to be disciplined enough to make sure that the money that goes into each enevelope is used only for its intended purpose, says Dr. Carpio.

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Learn from past mistakes
Ever since I racked up huge credit card debts, I’ve been needing my husband’s permission to shop. He’s a wonderful man, a good provider, and a very generous gift giver, but now I always have to account for every little centavo he gives me. On a recent trip overseas, he held all the money. I couldn’t even buy coffee on my own. I felt like a child. - Dinky Cuison, mom to Rye, 18, and Pom, 5

If you’ve given your spouse reason to doubt your money management skills, redeem yourself by first admitting your shortcomings, says Dr. Carpio. Then commit to the family’s budget.

Take your husband’s lead and start keeping a journal to record all your expenses, down to the last centavo. Do this not for your husband’s satisfaction but for your own enlightenment. "Keeping a detailed and updated record of your cash inflow and outflow will show you how all the little incidental and accidental expenses add up to make a huge dent on your finances” says Corazon Nietes, financial and project consultant for Project Horizons Consultancy Group.

Avoid playing the blame game
In her book The Divorce Remedy, renowned marriage therapist, "divorce-buster," and bestselling author Michelle Weiner Davis warns couples to avoid the trap of "cause-hunting." Once the problem has been identified, focus on finding solutions. Although very important, dissecting the whys tends to create more animosity, especially where money is concerned, because that’s when the blame game begins.

Davis writes that once a couple stops trying to pinpoint the reasons for their fights and instead focuses on what hey need to do to stop, the solution makes itself clear. Pay attention to what your partner does that helps you feel more optimistic about how you handle your finances, she  advises. Then work together from there to formulate the hows, the solutions that capitalize on the strengths you each bring into the equation.

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Prepare for the future
My husband had all our savings and investment accounts in his name. He said it was to keep things simple. It wasn’t until he met an accident that I found out we weren’t as financially and legally secure as I thought we were. It was difficult having to learn the hard way - Judith Samson, mom to Gelo, 8, Mikko, 6, and Lyka, 2

Lumen Ong knows only too well where Judith is coming from. A former housewife turned multi-awarded entrepreneur, Ong now heads a support group for people with seriously ill spouses. “I was where she was nearly 20 years ago, with a sick husband, the kids in school, and very little to my name. And the best advice I can give to young mothers is to prepare for life’s unpleasant eventualities. You never know when death or illness will come to your door. So as early as you can, protect your family. Make sure your health and life insurance are up to date and that you have access to your family’s savings and investments. Then get your husband to agree to start a fund for budget-breakers, those sudden expenses that can just creep up on you such as costly car maintenance and home repairs. But be sure that the fund is different from your health emergency plans,” she says.

“Make your own social security payments part of your savings plan. That way, you can look forward to a retirement pension even if you’re a stay-at-home mom. And learn about your mortgage, loans, and taxes.You wouldn’t want your home auctioned off because you’ve neglected to pay your property taxes,” cautions Nietes.

Be practical
If you have the time and resources, start a small home business. And save, save, save.

Should a sudden twist of fate change your fortunes, having a fallback position can spell the difference between comfort and the poorhouse,” says Ong. Nietes also advises moms to make cash purchases as much as possible. Credit cards can make you spend beyond your means. And it’s quite easy to become unmindful of the hidden costs bundled with credit purchases such as interest, payment protection insurance, annual fees, and penalties. These and other charges can balloon if you’re not careful.

Laugh
“My husband Harry and I call our budget ‘ze buh-zhay’. It sounds French that way,” giggles Lyn Torres, mom to Chelsea, 3. “Bills are depressing enough on their own, so we try to inject as much humor into the painful process as we can.”

“When money is tight, keeping your sense of humor always helps,” agrees Dr. Carpio. A positive outlook is not only infectious; it is also a great example to set for your kids. It also helps you become patient with each other and with yourself. As Davis says, getting your finances on track takes time and solutions won’t work overnight. A healthy attitude can do wonders in keeping your financial frustrations at bay.

Image from telegraph.co.uk