Boy Abunda: “My Life is my Mother”

Q: Please tell us how Nanay Lesing is doing now.
BA: Nanay is going through mild dementia and Alzheimer’s. She hasn’t lost her memory of names, but there are already signs of the ailment, like geographical dislocations and other indicators. Alzheimer’s, being a primary ailment, doesn’t have a cause, and doesn’t have a cure. Degeneration can only be suspended and arrested, slowed down, but all of us degenerate.

Because of that, I have to assess very carefully my load of work because my priority is being with my mother and taking good care of her. I took a break from my management job and gave the company (Backroom) to my employees because I needed to spend more time with Nanay. Managing can be very tedious and demanding, very personal.


Q: What are the things that you are able to do now for your Nanay?
BA: A lot. I am able to have lunches with her and that’s a big deal. I am able to have dinners with her, sa bahay lang. I’m able to sit down with Nanay and speak to her. I’m able to sleep for 10 minutes beside her, I’m able to watch her as she does her physical and occupational therapy. I’m able to watch her dance and swing a bit, see her depressive moods, I see when she resents being told by the nurses on what she should do – in other words, I’m being there. And I’m able to respect and honor my mother with my time.

I used to have this notion that I’ve earned enough for me to be able to support Nanay’s medication, hospitalization, healthcare. Hindi pala yun. You know why? Especially when you are dealing with a case of dementia or Alzheimer’s, even if you have nurses 24/7 to take care of your mother, you have kasambahay who take care of her, it’s different when you’re there. When Nanay talks about a truth that happened to her 25 years ago, nurses don’t understand, and you have to be there to validate it and tell them, “Ok yun, nothing’s wrong with her.” She’s just telling you something that happened to her. That truth, to her, is true to her today. You have to be there to contextualize; otherwise, people will say she’s insane. She’s not. Somebody has to be there who knows her story, who knows who she is. So when she looks for her black bag that she gave to her niece 5 years ago, you know that she’s talking about that favorite bag. So I say “Nay, ibibili kita ng bago, mas malaki dun.” You dance with her, you have to know her groove, you have to know her truths, and you have to understand her truths.

Nobody can deliver that love, care and empathy except her children. My sister is the mayor of our city. She can’t be here, I understand. And even if she were here, I still would have done the same. These are the things that I can do now for my mother.

 

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Q: How did you react to the news about your mother’s illness?
BA: All my life, I’ve been very vocal, I have articulated as clearly as I can that my life is my mother. To me, the best way to honor God is to love your mother. Tatay is gone, and when my father died sabi nya, alagaan mo ang Nanay mo, and I honor that. (tears up)

I cry everytime I talk about my Nanay, not because I’m sad, but because I’m very emotional about my mother. Sinasabi ko, mabuti akong anak, pinagmamalaki ko yan, pero alam nyo, yung pakiramdam ko ngayon, kulang ako. Kulang pa rin ako. I know inihahanda ako ng mga doctors at psychiatrists, sabi nila “Boy, it’s not just about Nanay, it’s about you.” Tama yun. Ngayon I’m able to verbalize it - What if Nanay goes? Dati hindi ko ‘to masabi without screaming, but now I’m able to say this, siguro kasi dahan-dahan, nama-manage ko yung relasyon namin. Ang sagot, hindi ko pa din alam.

When she was diagnosed with it, I was broken. I was in denial for months. Nanay started to be morose, depressive, behaved differently. Nawala yung vibrance. My Nanay is a Waray woman, strong, funny, politician, guro, public school teacher. Opinitonated. Loves debates, disagreements. Then, one day she was just so different.

One time I brought her to Manila Hotel for dinner, I started to notice, si Nanay iba. Even her sense of humor was slowly fading. So one time, sabi ko, ‘Nay, let’s go to Lipa to my resthouse.’ When we got there, at bumaba sya, nakita ko si Nanay naglalakad nakaganito (bent forward). My gut feeling was that something’s wrong. There was loss of appetite, and then may sleeping problems na ang nanay. You know, there was even a time, 4 straight days she didn’t sleep because I was in Dubai. Pagbalik ko, 2 straight days natulog. Pag gising, nagdadasal ka na sana makatulog. Pag tulog, nagdadasal ka na sana makagising. For many months, she wouldn’t even talk.

 

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I talked to her, “Nay, payag ka sana, pagbalik natin sa Maynila, wag muna tayo umuwi, let’s go straight to the hospital. You’re not sick, but I just want to make sure because some things are different – your posture, you’re not eating the way you used to, even your moods.’ Sabi nya, sige. Pero kung sinabi nyang hindi, hindi ako magpupumilit.

In my shows I say this constantly, that it reaches a point in anybody’s life that we mother our mothers, that we become parents to our parents. Kanina lang before I left sabi nya, Boy, naiinis ako – and that is such a good sign because it’s back – naiinis ako pag pinipilit ako (ng nurses) na lumakad sa labas pag ayaw ko. Kaya sabi ko sa mga nurses – parang bata – ‘kayo ha, pag ayaw ng nanay, wag pipilitin. Pero nanay, magiging masaya ako pag mag-e-exercise ka. Pag hindi ka na pagod, gagawin mo.’ Sagot nya, ‘Sige, oo.’ Ganun ang dynamics namin, talagang nagiging nanay ka. You have to be there.

Kaya ganito ako affected, because this is the woman who ran my life, my anchor, my rock of Gibraltar. Eto yung pinaghuhugutan ko ng lakas.


Q: Describe to us your Nanay.
BA: My Nanay is such a courageous woman. A learner. Nagturo yan for 42 years, 11 months and 2 days. She was a very dedicated Grade 1 teacher. She went for masteral but she didn’t do her thesis so wala syang masters. And then she went into politics, naging konsehal, nag-vice mayor. She never stopped.

During one campaign, isa sa kanyang mga pamangkin, anak ng kapatid ng tatay ko, was quoted to have said some nasty things about my mother – eleksyon e. Very formidable presence ang nanay ko sa probinsya, very vocal, diretsa magsalita, but also recognizing the nuances of personalities. Tinawag nya yung pamanmgkin nya sa bahay. Pagdating nung pamangkin, pinatawag yung magulang na kapatid ng tatay ko.

Tinanong nya yung pamangkin kung sinabi nga nya yung nakarating sa kanya. Umamin. Anong ginawa ng nanay ko? Sinampal, in front of the parents. Dramatic. Then, “pinatawad na kita.” That’s my mother. She’s a character! And then tapos na sya.

 

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Q: Were you ever spanked by your parents?
BA: Oo naman, pero tumatakbo ako. Oo napalo ako kasi madaldal daw ako sobra, I was always talking. Atsaka malikot. Napalo ako.


Q: Now that you are faced with Nanay’s illness, what are your learnings from this chapter in your life?
BA: I fought my way to get to where I am today - I am so grateful for all the blessings that God has showered me - but only for me to be humbled to realize that at the end of the day, what matters the most are relationships. Oo nga, nakakabayad ako ng ambulance, nakakabayad ako ng doktor, but there are special moments in your life when you realize that you’re not superman, you can’t do everything. You have to give up certain things because this is more important.

You know when I went up to the Management of ABS, I said, you want to know how I feel? I just want to spend my time with my mom. That’s non-negotiable for me. Noon kasi ang daming diskusyon e, ang hirap – what happens to my career, what happens to my office, what happens to this and that? But because of this difficult situation I’m in, I’ve been able to simplify my life. Because of Nanay, I’ve been able to have a better view of life. I have clearer perspectives now, and I have been humbled tremendously, immensely.

Itong industriyang ito, lilipad ka e. Parati kong sinasabi sa aking klase where I teach, and in my speaking engagements, what a journey it has been, the ups and downs, the upsides and the downsides of my life, pero now, for as long as I know my way back home to my mother, I’m ok.


Q: What are the lessons that your mother has taught you that you will never forget?
BA: She showed me a life that I can treasure. That there is dignity in being poor. Halimbawa, there was a time na si Nanay as a teacher hindi nya na nakikita yung mga tseke nila dahil napupunta na dun sa inuutangan nila, because they had to borrow money for our tutition fee in Manila or for our allowance. Never was there a time when I heard my mother say that she was being abused. She never complained.

In one word, she taught me dignity. And she taught me that prayer – “the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

She taught me courage. She taught me to argue, that it’s not wrong to be heard. But you know the irony of this all? Ang nanay ko, pag nagalit, hindi ako nagsasalita, sa daldal kong ito – tama man o mali ang kanyang pananaw. Ta-timing ako 3 days later, “Nay, wag kang magagalit ha? Yung sinabi mo nung isang araw, mali yun.”

She taught me the humility to accept your wrongdoings or your wrong opinions. There was an incident twenty years ago but still clear in my mind. She was in my house, and we were having a debate about a political issue. So ako, malumanay sa pag-explain. But she was very, very strong. She became very angry because I was disagreeing, although quietly. So nagalit. Then, 3 o’clock in the morning, she comes to my room, wakes me up to say sorry. (tears up) “Boy, mali ako. I’m sorry.” She taught me that. Ang tagal na nun pero naalala ko pa.

 

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Q: What qualities have you developed to attain this kind of success?
BA: Masipag ako lalo na sa pag-aaral. At nagtuturo pa ako. Ngayon lang ako huminto kasi medyo challenging yung doctoral. Pero when I was taking up my Masters, I was also teaching Communications. It’s tough, but it’s payback time. Guro ang nanay ko at ngayon I’ve been so blessed kaya payback time. I would donate my salary to the department para makabili sila ng camera. It’s a good feeling that you’re both paying it forward and paying back, because as Blanche Dubois said (in A Streetcar Named Desire), I’m the product of the kindness of friends and strangers. Some were kind, some were not, pero produkto ka ng lahat e, so be it.

I’ve always wanted to study but I had to quit because I had to survive. Wala akong nagsusuporta sa akin .. and life was hard … really hard. It’s not just a concept to me – may mga panahon wala akong makain, wala akong matirahan. May mga panahon sa Luneta ako natutulog, or lived in a house where prostitutes lived in Mabini. I’m a voracious reader – I begin and end my day with books, from Togman to Woodward to Maya Angelou.

May kwento pa nga dyan, I was hoping to take up my Masteral in International Relations and Public Diplomacy (IRPD). I started taking seminars under the venerable Ambassador Manalo. I heard that she was teaching and I said I wanted to get into that class in PWU. I did two years (of IRPD) before I took my Masters in Communications. Hindi ko alam, wala pala akong diploma sa college, sa tagal ng panahon! There are things that I just assumed, so all these years I was an undergrad. All these years I didn’t finish college. Until I was trying to review the academic requirements, which dictated that I had to have a diploma. So I went back to the Ateneo, I went back to Lyceum where I had 6 units. Lahat ng mga pinagdaanan ko.

Pero ayun nga wala pala akong diploma. Binalikan ko yan about 5 years ago. Buti na lang may programa ang CHED, yung ETEEAP (Expanded Tertiary Education Equivalency and Accreditation Program), yung equivalency program, where your work experience can be credited into academic units, but you have to take a series of tests. I had 9 exams, an undergrad thesis, I really went through the ringer to graduate. I called up the Ateneo and I found out na ang dami ko nga talagang kulang – wala akong ROTC, wala akong PE, wala akong Math5. And Ateneo was very kind.

All of my academic units and my diploma come from the Ateneo but my graduation diploma comes from PWU. And then tuloy-tuloy, from thereon hindi na ako huminto. I defended my thesis, I finished my Masters and now I’m in my doctoral, all this while doing everything else.

 

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Q: With all the successes you have attained, how do you remain so grounded?
BA: It’s because I am so clear about certain things. I am a manager, and I know very clearly in my heart and mind that this is fleeting. Nakikita ko, they come and go … sumikat, nalaos. Sumikat, nawala. It’s a painful, painful journey, and I’ve been confronted with this many times over. So siguro by watching a lot of people make it big, go up and go down, constantly reminds me that hey, you are on borrowed timeslot.


Q: What is your message to individuals about being children to their parents?
BA: The best way to honor God is to take care of your parents, the best way to thank God is to honor your mother and father. And if you are a man, the best way to love your children is to honor your wife. If you are a child, the best way to respect your father is to honor your mother, and vice versa. Naniniwala kasi ako na kapag solid ang pamilya, ang ganda ng bayan. No transformational strategy – political, social, economic – would succeed without taking care of the individual – you have to go to the individual. You have to go to the family.

You know the best thing? I got two text messages. I don’t know where they watched me. I got a text message forwarded to me by one of my staff, from a person who doesn’t even know me. “Please tell Boy Abunda that I haven’t been talking to my mother in the past for how many years. After I saw him, I decided to drive back and apologize to my mother.” Alam mo, if only for that, life is worth it. Life on television is worth it. That’s one.

The other one is I have this friend who holds a high place in a multinational company, very powerful. Sabi nya, “I used to be very afraid of talking about my mother because I’m a closet mama’s boy” – kasi he’s married, he’s macho. “But everytime I see you on television, you validate how wrong I am.” If I can touch people’s lives in relation to their parents – 1, 2 people – I’m good. If you can tell your children my story, do so. Tell them that you met someone whose life is his mother.


Photos by Stephanie F. Esguerra