They say that it’s harder to make people laugh than make them cry, and that to be able to do both is a gift. Mom and comedienne Candy Pangilinan certainly possesses that gift.
We recently got the chance to interview her in the comfort of her own home, where she shared with us both the wacky and dark times of her life.
She starts off the interview by relating some funny stories when she gave birth to her son Quentin, now 8. According to her, it was an excruciating 22-hour labor, and Candy relates to us her ordeal while still managing to share a few funny anecdotes, this one with a hospital staff:
“‘Ma’am, Miss Candy, gusto niyo pong manood ng TV?’
‘Hindi, okay lang po ako.’
‘Puwede po kayong manood ng TV.’
‘Hindi, okay lang po ako.’
‘Ano pong channel ang gusto niyo?’
‘Kuya, okay lang po ako.’
‘Maganda po mga palabas ngayon!’
‘Okay lang po ako.’
‘Kahit po ano, okay lang po sa amin. Magaganda po mga channels, may cable po tayo!’
‘Sige ho, buksan niyo na. Buksan niyo na, Kuya. Sige kuya, buksan niyo na!’
‘Ano bang gusto niyong panoorin ko diyan?'
Pag-open niya, Cinemaone, nakita ko sarili ko. Pelikula ko!
‘Ikaw to o! Nakakatuwa naman! Naku, Miss Candy, makakabalik ka pa kaya sa katawan na ‘to?’
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Another funny story involves showbiz friends and family.
“Kahit na gusto kong hindi muna, pagdilat kasi ng eyes ko nandoon na si Ate Maricel (Laxa-Pangilinan),” Candy shares. Maricel, a fervent breastfeeding advocate, was urging her on to start nursing Quentin right away..“Promise. ‘Yung hindi pa ‘ko handa. As in groggy pa ‘ko. Sincerely. As in sabi ko, ‘Ate, nahihilo pa ‘ko.’
‘N-n-n-no, c’mon, get up.’
‘Ate, puwedeng wait?’
‘No, Candy, get up.’
‘Ate, I’m nahihilo, I swear.’
‘Okay, [get] the wheelchair. Yes, Candy, if it’s not now, you’ll never do it.’
She says her friends Gelli de Belen and Carmina Villaroel also urged Candy to get up early on after she gave birth so she would heal faster, and her stories are always peppered with jokes and funny remarks.
But who would’ve thought that behind her jokes and witty retorts, she has actually endured a failed marriage and is going through a lot of challenges as a parent?
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Loss, love, and lessons learned
Eight years ago, Candy’s went through one of the most difficult chapters of her life, having just given birth to her son and her husband suddenly deciding to leave.
“When my ex-husband decided to ‘migrate’ to another house, I had just given birth for less than a month.” Candy recalls. “So feeling ko talaga prinepare na ‘ko ni Lord. So game, wala ka nang time for so many things, because in less than a month, wala na. Umalis na siya. So hindi ko alam if I had time to dwell on that’”
It was bound to happen, after catching her husband’s indiscretions several times. But whenever she confronted her spouse, Candy relates that he would call her crazy, and the more that these confrontations occurred, the more she was beginning to actually believe that maybe, she really was just delusional and paranoid.
When he left her, Candy was devastated. She begged for him to come back.
“Nandoon pa ‘ko sa ‘No, we have to have a complete family. No matter what, buuin natin ‘to. Magtulungan tayo. I think mga babae hindi aaminin na you would beg and plead. But I did. You would beg and plead for your husband to return. Hanggang mapagod ka na lang.”
“Pabaliw na ‘ko nun,” Candy says. “It was a very thin line between depression and pagiging baliw. Bilang ‘yung asawa ko kasi sinasabi na baliw ako. So I went to a psychologist. Nagpacheck ako kung talagang baliw ako. Hindi naman pala. So I was very happy,” she adds jokingly.
Because she was so distraught with what was happening, her milk supply ceased and she couldn’t breastfeed Quentin anymore. She was forced to bottle feed, but fortunately her milk eventually came back, saying that it’s natural, “It will stop if something stressful is happening to you.”
Fortunately, with the support of family and friends, and after rediscovering her spirituality, Candy was able to restore her confidence in herself. She was able to pick herself up and move on.
“Bumalik ang self-confidence. Bumalik ang paniniwala. Nagbalik kay Lord. Naniwala na I deserve better, that God loves me better than I love myself. That I cannot give what I don’t have, so I have to love myself (first). Na kasalanan pala ‘yung ginawa ko na pagpapatawad nang pagpapatawad sa kanya without thinking of myself.”
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“During that time, I took depression bilang kaaway. Umabot sa ganun. Kasi kung hindi ganun ang thinking ko, mababaliw ako. Buong-buo ‘yung paniniwala ‘ko na God loves me so much. Na ayaw Niya ‘kong malungkot.”
She also was very mindful of the condition of her newborn child, so she kept it all in to make sure the baby won’t be affected.
“During that time, ayokong pumapasok sa room na malungkot or umiiyak. So iiyak ako lahat sa labas ng kuwarto, pagpasok ko ng room, masaya ako, because they told me everything na maramdaman mo, naaapektuhan ‘yung baby mo. So feeling ko, umaakting ako sa harapan ng anak mo. And hindi ako umiiyak sa tabi ni Quentin. Never. ‘Di ko ginagawa. I try my best. Because I wanted to be the strong mom.”
She was constantly worried as to how the separation would affect her child, and she addressed it by speaking with words of comfort.
“Ang una kong inisip, ‘Anong iisipin ng bata paglaki? Kasi I just gave birth to the kid, tapos umalis siya. Baka isipin niya kasalanan niya. So as early as one month, sinasabihan ko na siya, ‘It’s not your fault. Your dad has problems of his own. But Mom loves you and Dad loves you.’ Parati ko ‘yang sinasabi sa kanya. So hindi niya hinahanap.”
If anything, the good that came out of their separation was that Candy learned how to play musical instruments such as the drums and guitar, which is how she kept herself preoccupied at the time.
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Blessed with a special child
As if the reality of a broken marriage was not enough, Candy had to face yet another challenge in her life.
Quentin was merely six months old when the doctor noticed that there was something wrong with his eyes. The baby was forced to wear glasses of 500-500 eye grade at such a tender age, so that he could look straight and focus his eyes on objects. “Hindi nagsi-signal ‘yung eyes to the brain to focus,” explains Candy.
At eight months, the doctor suggested that Quentin undergo therapy, and at 11 months, he saw a developmental doctor.
When Quentin celebrated his first birthday party, Candy noticed something very unusual about her child’s behavior.
“1st birthday, big party, he was just inside the car,” Candy recalls. “Gusto niya sa loob lang siya ng kotse, umaandar siya. The party lasted for four hours, four hours din siyang nasa loob ng kotse, umaandar. Wala siya sa party. Nagwawala siya.”
“Hindi ko alam na ayaw niya ng tao, Hindi ko alam na ayaw niya ng crowd. Hindi ko alam na territorial ‘yung bata. He wanted movement. Kaya muntik na nga, nung 2nd birthday niya, sa bus ko dapat gagawin,” Candy says in jest.
A little after this time, just as she thought she was beginning to recover, Candy was faced with yet another situation. Quentin was diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactive disorder) ’Kailangang ipa-therapy ‘yung anak mo. Hindi siya normal. Kailangan ng occupational, ng physical, ng speech therapies, etc.”
“After the separation, nag-decide na ‘ko na okay na ‘ko. It’s time to move on. Nag-surrender na ‘ko. Wala naman akong laban. I just gave in na. ‘Okay, just tell me what to do.’”
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“Ito ‘yung mga time na nagrerecover pa lang ako. I’m okay na to be alone. Nagtransform na ‘yung pagkatao ko. Bumalik na ‘ko sa pagbabasa ng bibliya. I really can’t survive that without God’s hand. I really won’t.”
Candy has already hit rock bottom and gone back, that at that point nothing could shake her anymore. When she learned of the ADHD diagnosis, she no longer went through denial or shock. Instead, she faced it head on. “Anong gagawin ko? Let me know.”
She admits that she is hardest on herself, but only because she feels terrible whenever she commits a mistake because the first thing she thinks about is her child. “Kawawa sya if I do something wrong. You just have to surrender. It’s a given eh. Being a single mom is hard enough. Being a single mom with a special child is a different story.”
Finances
Although Candy earns from her showbiz career, she admits that this is not enough to pay for Quentin’s therapy sessions. Thus, with her background in events planning, she eventually started her own business, an events company.
“You work triply hard. I can’t just rely on my TV and my films, and now it’s different. I have to think of ways. That’s why my events company ako. I’ve learned to save. Hindi puwedeng mabawasan ‘tong pera na ‘to, just in case may mangyari kay Quentin.”
ADHD is a complex condition, and Candy had to stay strong for her child. During the first few months of Quentin’s therapy, Candy shares how Quentin’s voice would become hoarse from crying and pleading for her mom to help her. Once Quentin got used to therapy, his doctors recommended that he study in a regular school so he would be able to adapt and so that he could have a shadow teacher. Candy made sure she learned how to perform similar therapy at home.
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The biggest heart
At eight years old, Quentin speaks very fast; often, unintelligibly, or he tends to say things in a shortcut manner. Despite his condition, Candy shares how Quentin is a very friendly and makulit kid, and how well-loved he is at school. When Quentin unfortunately failed one year and all his classmates had moved on to first grade, he thought it was because “Kawawa kasi si teacher, walang kasama.”
When he would be bullied in school, such as when other kids would try to push him, Candy shares that Quentin would still think it was just part of a game. Quentin also has a sensory integration problem related to his ADHD, which explains why Quentin doesn’t immediately feel pain or his brain only processes it after a long time. ‘Di niya alam na sinasaktan na siya. Wala siyang problema. ‘Di naiinis ‘yung bata so wala siyang problema.”
Candy admits that it makes her sad knowing that most kids Quentin’s age wouldn’t want to play with him because he can’t express his emotions clearly, but what bothers Candy even more is that she feels that Quentin might actually be aware of what’s pushing his peers away – which is because of him being “different.” ““Alam ko na minsan nasa-sad siguro siya kasi walang gustong makipaglaro sa kanya, kasi sa age nya, ngayon pa lang niya naaappreciate ‘yung Mickey Mouse.”
Still, Candy believes Quentin’s already used to other people’s reaction to how he acts and speaks, and that’s why she compensates for it by being there for him as much as possible. “The more na nararamdaman ko na, ‘I have to do my best for you to be well, to be functional, to be a better person’,” Candy says.
Apart from this, Candy also has to be consistent with Quentin, so as not to confuse him. “Kung galit, galit. Kung masaya, masaya.” It takes a while for Quentin to process things, that’s why instead of the usual toys, Quentin has a lot of special toys, and one of his favorites, is his deck of flash cards, since he is only able to grasp concepts by repetition. Likewise, through the several trampolines around their home, Quentin is able to expend his excess energy.
“He has a lot of special toys,” explains Candy. “Wala siyang mga guns. All of his toys are educational tools, comprehension toys. Maybe siya lang ang batang naglalaro ng sipit (clothespin), to develop his fine motor skills. Siya lang ‘yung may relay as young as one year old.”
Quentin, however, loves his iPad, because as Candy explains it, he doesn’t need to write to be able to play games on it or use the controls.
Children with ADHD can tend to be violent at times without meaning to, and Candy shares how there are moments when Quentin pulls her hair, spanks her, or even bites her because he is very excitable. She proves this by showing us a prominent bruise on her arm.
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With this, though, Candy has learned what she calls “deadma acting”. So no matter what unintentional pain Quentin causes her, she stays calm and just ignores it. When such things happen, Quentin would usually take a while to approach her, say sorry, and even put holy oil or alcohol on the bruise. “Sorry, mommy. Good boy na Quentin.”
Quentin has also shown how sensitive he is with his mom’s feelings. Candy recalls, “There was a time that I felt so down, I felt so bad. I don’t cry in front of my kid. Pero nakita niya that I was really quiet. Sabi niya, ‘Why?’ ‘Mommy doesn’t feel well. Mommy needs to be alone. Can you just be quiet for a while? Mom has to pray?’ Quentin sais, ‘It’s alright. Everything’s okay. Let’s pray.’”
Candy has learned to adapt to her situation. A naturally bubbly and energetic person, “kasi nga hyper ako, pero dito sa bahay, when I’m with my kid, dun ako kalma. Kasi pag hyper din ako, ha-hyper din siya. So kailangan kong ikalma.” That’s what the doctor told me.
“Iba pa rin talaga ang tingin ng lipunan sa mga batang kagaya ni Quentin,” Candy says. Quentin might not seem normal to other people, but she sees how much more selfless he is than other children deemed “normal”. She shares an incident one time when she and Quentin were in the car, and a street kid knocked on their window. The child had no shirt on. Quentin, moved with pity, took off his Lacoste t-shirt and handed it to the child to wear, to which Candy initially reacted by chiding her son. But she was awed when he replied, “Don’t worry, Mom. I have plenty.”
With this, Candy admires her child for his zest in life and his generosity. “‘Ganun sya - di na niya tiningnan ‘yung brand.” She somehow felt shamed by this for being overly brand-conscious. ”Napaka-brand-conscious ko naman. Si Quentin pa ang nakaisip na ibigay.”
Quentin has such a big heart that when there are kids caroling, he tells them, “Kuya come back ha. We’ll wait for you.” And he even gives them gifts.
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Giving thanks
Candy feels grateful for having Quentin in her life, and she has learned countless things from him.
“There are so many things that I’ve learned from Quentin. Picking up a coin is very normal for us. For them, it’s a task. Even blowing a candle is also very hard for them.”
“Wala pa siyang idea of Christmas, pero meron siyang idea of gifts. Pero sa kanya, malaki o maliit, it doesn’t matter. Okay lang kahit ano.
Si Quentin din ‘yung nagpaalala sa akin na we take life so seriously. We shouldn’t take for granted what is given to us. Not everyone is privileged to have that. In one snap, God can take it away. There’s so many things that we’re so blessed with.”
Despite what she has gone through, Candy has risen to be a stronger person, “I think sa kanya ko rin natutunan na kaya ko pala.” With this, she imparts words of wisdom to those who have gone through a traumatic time in their life, as well as to fellow single moms and parents of kids with special conditions.
“Life goes on. You don’t need another party for closure. I think ‘yung closure talaga nasa sa ‘yo ‘yun eh. You have to decide. Totoo rin ‘yung happiness is a choice. So you have to really choose to be happy. And in choosing to be happy you have to trust your choice. You have to have faith in it and you have to believe in it. It will happen. And it will be given.”
“For single moms, it’s not a curse. ‘Wag niyong kaawaan ‘yung sarili niyo. ‘Wag. Ako, I believe na matching lang ‘yan. Matching type lang ‘yan. Feeling ko minatch lang ako ni Lord kay Quentin kasi ang dami kong energy. For single moms, alam kong nakakatakot. Nakakapagod, sa totoo lang. It’s really tiring. Maybe it’s tiring na pag may kasama ka, may husband ka, but the more nakakapagod din ‘yung mag-isa ka, to do everything, to decide on everything, to take care of everything.”
And being the optimistic and wacky character that she is, Candy adds, “Don’t carry it. Let God be with you. Kasi kung hindi, nakakapagod, nakakasungit, nakakapangit.”
“Everything has a purpose. Maybe I don’t understand it now, but okay na ‘ko.”
Photography by Dakila Angeles
Makeup by Cats Del Rosario
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