6 Tips to Foster Openness with your Kids

One of the rules we have in our family is this: “Children should never keep secrets from Papa and Mama.” Our kids are aware of it as we've been telling them about it ever since they first started to comprehend the concept of ‘rules’ and ‘secrets.’

Still, as they grew older and started playing more with other children, their cousins included, my husband and I discovered that there are times when they would be tempted to keep secrets from us. Thankfully, these were just ‘silly’ or ‘trivial’ secrets — nothing much to be alarmed about.

However, there may be parents out there who have children who keep secrets — big and small — from them all the time. What can they do to prevent this from happening? And when is it actually OK for our children to keep secrets from us?

We asked two experts for advice and here's what they have to say:

Why kids keep secrets from us
Chris Carandang, a psychologist working at MLAC Psychosocial Services for Well-Being, a lecturer at the Psychology Department of the University of the Philippines Diliman, and board member of the Philippine Association for Child and Play Therapy or Philplay, says children may keep secrets for any of the following reasons:

1. “They are afraid that their parents will scold them. This fear is even more intense when the way that their parents scold them is harsh, verbally or physically.

2. “They feel that their parents do not take the time to listen to them and understand them. Parents should be aware of their tendency to have one-sided conversations with their kids. Does it always end up with them giving long lectures and sermons? This can lead their child to ‘tune out’ to what they are saying. It is helpful to keep their talks short but clear and not repetitive.

3. “They feel that their parents might tell other people about what they tell them. Parents need to recognize that their kids, especially adolescents, need their privacy too. Respect this privacy. Rather than thinking that it is a child's obligation to share everything with their parents, they should also recognize that it is also a privilege whenever their children choose to share things with their parents. This means that you have developed a relationship with mutual trust. Take care of this trust.”

On a similar note, Josefina “Nina” Quintos Era, a college professor at Miriam College and University of the East, family specialist and parenting expert, and a mom herself to Kristia Ysabel, 17, and Raphael, 15, says that children usually keep secrets from their parents because they “fear that their parents might not understand them.” Also, they may not have a close relationship with their parents, to begin with. Era adds that parents “overnagging” their kids to tell them all about their lives may actually drive them to do the opposite.

Is keeping secrets ever a good thing?

The answer to this would be, “Yes and no.” It depends on how you look at it.

For Carandang, keeping secrets is not necessarily a bad thing. He explains, “I have met kids and teens who would like to share their secrets with their parents but since their parents do not seem to understand them and listen to them, or break their trust, it is better for them to keep their secrets to themselves. Everyone, including kids and teens, need their privacy, too.”

Era, on the other hand, thinks otherwise. “Keeping secrets from parents is not a good thing because there is the presumption that children are keeping secrets from their parents because of fear. And this means that children do not have confidence in their parents’ unconditional love,” she says.

[previous|page|next]

How to help kids open up
To help foster openness and discourage secret-keeping, Carandang exhorts parents to try the following:

1. Learn how to listen without always interrupting your child.
This is difficult to do because there are times when the parent wants to badly tell the child something, but interrupting shows that you are not really listening. Take turns airing out each other's side — without distractions like phone calls, etc.

2. Accept that your child has the right to express himself or herself to you.
In order to teach a child to value and manage their emotions, parents must show that it is okay to express anger and sadness to them, as long as it is still done in a respectful manner. If not, children will keep hiding these feelings until they can no longer handle them and the problem gets even bigger.

3. When your child expresses his or her emotions, don’t say, “Do not cry,” or “Do not be sad or angry.”
Every person has the right to feel these things. It's just a matter of learning how to express them constructively. Most parents’ anger comes from feelings of worry for their children. Learn to go beyond your anger and express the underlying worry and concern instead.

4. Do not insult the child or use hurtful words when you talk to him/her.
That is a surefire way of creating a gap between you and him or her. Learn to express yourself constructively, too.

5. Be open and humble.
Recognize that although you are the older one, you can learn so much from your children too. Children have their own wisdom too — learn to recognize and appreciate this.

6. Respect your child's privacy and learn to let go.
You cannot always be in control and know everything about your child all the time. If you are open and know how to listen, you can trust the fact that your child will go to you if he or she needs help. Still, you need to learn to let go and have your own life. If you take care of yourself and do things that make you happy, your child will see you as a model and would willingly go to you for advice.

In addition, Era shares the following simple but meaningful pointers for parents:
• Don't criticize your children and their friends.
• Avoid overreacting.
• Be open-minded, especially to new trends.

Trust your child and build their trust in you
In conclusion, it makes sense to say that if we want our children to be open and honest with us, then we should first build their trust in us and trust them, too, no matter how young they may be. After all, trust is something that knows no age or time. Trust your children and let them learn to trust you, too.

Has there ever been a time when your child kept secrets from you? What did you learn from that experience? Leave a comment and let us know — we’d love to hear from you!

 
Image from childparenting.about.com