Bullying: It could Happen to your Child

To understand this heartbreaking phenomenon, Smart Parenting invited bullying victims and a child psychologist to a roundtable discussion. Can the effects of bullying last a lifetime? And when should you put your foot down as a parent?

Meet our panel

Bianca Valerio is a model, TV host, author, makeup artist, personality development speaker, columnist, and mom of one. She was bullied during her elementary years and until college. Her experiences and how she survived the trauma led her to write a self-help/makeup instructional book, Face-to-Face: The Healing Power of Make-up.

Last year, Noni Odulio wrote a note on his Facebook page about his firstgrade daughter’s experiences of being bullied and has gotten around 1,000 likes and 200 comments, plus more than 300 shares. Noni also owns a preschool in Parañaque and in SM Mall of Asia. He is a dad of three, with ages ranging from three to eight years old.

Sabrina Tan, Ph.D. is a child psychologist who holds a master’s degree in Therapeutic Interventions and a doctorate degree in School Psychology from Fordham University in New York. She is an associate at the Ledesma Clinic for Neuropsychological Services and has her own practice in Mandaluyong.

When bullies abound
Noni: My daughter was bullied several times by her classmates because she was a new student. They tripped her, poked her with a pencil, and vandalized her notebook. The last straw was when they threw her lunch box into a trash can. The school wasn’t doing anything to fix the situation, even if the teacher called to tell us what happened. Things shouldn’t have reached that point.

I met with the parents of the bully after I made this request clear to the school. The only thing we wanted was for the parents of the bullies to know what their kids were doing. My daughter now goes to a different school, but not because of these incidents.

Bianca: On the first day in my new school, my classmates all decided they didn’t like me. Unknowingly, I had asked the most popular girl about the school lockers, and from then on, I’d cry every day. Once, we had to stay in school for a project. They locked me inside the bathroom; they locked the doors, closed the windows, and sprayed insecticide. I was in Grade 5.

I tried to commit suicide when I was in Grade 7. I felt really ugly growing up because I never had any friends in school. They spread rumors about me, and the parents of my friends kept them from hanging out with me. In high school, I even found myself talking to the walls. Some people tried to talk to me but stopped whenever they saw the popular kids looking at us. I repeated third year high school and believed I was stupid. My teachers didn’t support me.

Dr. Tan: Bullying makes life hell for the victims. As a child, it’s your reality, and because it’s minute to minute, you don’t want to go to school. Students who are different, new to the school, or seem to be a threat are more prone to bullying.


The trauma stays
Noni: My daughter cries when she remembers what happened.

Bianca: There are emotional scars, even if you’ve forgiven the bullies. You carry them with you always. To this day, I have that [notion] that it’s difficult for me to make friends. What happened to me years ago still affects how I relate with others today. Even if I know it’s not true, self-doubt gets the best of me; I think I’m not good enough to be someone’s friend. For me, a new environment is like the first day of school all over again.

Dr. Tan: Bullying comes in many forms and is pervasive. It affects the child and the effects can last a lifetime. Depending on the gravity of the situation, there are negative consequences for both bullies and the victims. Bullies are more at risk for delinquency, criminal behavior, and alcohol abuse. Victims often develop low self-esteem and fearfulness, and are at higher risk for developing anxiety, depression, somatization [to convert anxiety into physical symptoms], and in dire cases, suicidal tendencies. Even if the bullying isn’t physical, it is not any less traumatic for the child. Not wanting to go to school is a bad effect for the child who is bullied because it impedes academic involvement and learning.

Cyber-bullying is also very hard to escape, especially for teenagers. Embarrassing information about the child, put-downs, taunts—they can all easily spread on the Internet and, with the anonymity of the perpetrator, victims often feel more helpless than when it happens in real life. It is traumatic even if it’s not physical victimization.

Related story: What You Need to Know About Cyber Bullying and other Cyber Crimes

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Overcoming the trauma
Bianca: You can become passive, or you can overcome what you went through with a good support system. All the trauma I experienced in the past led me to not become competitive; I’m always just grateful for whatever good comes my way. My experiences have taught me to be more tolerant because I really don’t want to become the person I hated.

Dr. Tan: We have to help the child process what he is going through and help him undo negative self-thinking (the child can begin to believe the “negative thoughts” the bullies have imposed on him). It’s a very scary and vulnerable experience for the child, and it can be difficult for him to talk about it. Approach it with a lot of sensitivity. The child’s personality, coping skills, and family environment all come into play, but every bullying victim suffers the consequences, whether physical or relational. That’s why intervention is so important. It will also be helpful to expose the child to positive social experiences—places where he can feel he belongs and excels, and develop supportive, authentic friendships.

How can I tell if my child is being bullied?
Noni: Sometimes, the child becomes withdrawn or sullen, or the child’s personality changes.

Bianca: Some kids tell their parents right away, and some parents ask even when children don’t offer the information. Parents should not panic because this causes the child to be alarmed or fear she may be at fault. She’ll only edit herself. In cases like this, my child lets her guard down more easily when I talk to her as a friend than as a parent. She feels safe because the communication lines are calm, open, and proactive.

Dr. Tan: Open communication with your child is best so he can feel comfortable telling you anything. Parents should be attuned to their kids because they may not be willing to share painful experiences.  Notice if there are changes in your child; these changes may be subtle—such as if your child does not have friends in school or keeps changing friends, refuses to go to school, complains of tummy aches or headaches, suddenly has bruises on his body, always runs out of money, or refuses to go to parties or school events. Parents should also monitor the children’s cyber lives to see, for example, who’s “un-friending” them or what’s being posted online about them.


The profile of a bully
Dr. Tan: Generally, bullies are aggressive, dominating, and impulsive. Bullies can be further classified into two groups: There are bullies who may be well-liked or popular and physically strong, and then there are the bully-victims—children who bully others but are bullied themselves, too. These bully-victims are least liked by their classmates and are at higher risk for poorer outcomes later on.

Research shows that bullying affects males more than females, whether as bullies or victims, but girls don’t lag far behind. Boys tend to go into physical or verbal bullying more; girls are more into relational aggression, such as excluding others from social groups and spreading rumors, which stigmatize victims. Bullying also gets a bit smarter when you’re older, and it can be more subtle and manipulative.

There is usually a deeper reason why certain kids bully others. As adults, we are in the best position to help our kids figure things out, process what they’re going through, and help them substitute these behaviors with something more productive and healthy. Bullies basically play a role in a power imbalance. They may want respect, status, revenge, or a release for their anger. Most bullies usually feel a certain vulnerability they may not know how to deal with, and as the grown-ups in these children’s lives, we can help them understand what they’re going through and how they can change their actions. Let’s consider: What does the bully get out of bullying? Why are these actions so motivating or rewarding for him?

When children are very young, parenting and the home environment are especially important. Most bullies seem to lack empathy and have poor emotional regulation, for example: lashing out when they want to. They may perceive everything as aggressive or hostile, and so they respond to situations that way. A lot of kids who engage in bullying behaviors may lack affective empathy—feeling the pain of others more than just knowing that others are hurt by what they do.

The good news is that empathy and emotional regulation can be taught to and modeled for children. Or, as mentioned, the bullies themselves feel pain and they’re projecting it, imposing it on others. It is important that we help the child by understanding what’s really going on with him.

Related story: 10 Ways to Teach our Kids Empathy

How can I tell if my child is a bully?
Bianca: I observe kids when they’re at parties and see how they relate with each other.

Noni: Bullies probably try to hide their behavior from their parents.  

Dr. Tan: You might see patterns of problematic behavior at home, in your child’s playdates, or in the stories your child tells about what happened in school. However, we should be aware of the differences between playing, joking, and bullying. Bullies need help and positive social experiences—consistent ways for them to feel empowered and loved. They need intervention from parents, a therapist, mentor, teacher, or guidance counselor. Organizations and spiritual groups can also give kids an outlet. We must figure out what these kids are going through and why they are using aggression in this way. They may just not know how to process and regulate their feelings.

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A parent’s role
Bianca: Parents should be ready to listen to and teach their kids to fight their own battles. There were times I had to apologize to my daughter when I felt I didn’t support her. I ask her if she could have done something differently, and we talk about what should be done. When you’ve exhausted all possible solutions to a problem and you’re still unsuccessful, only then should you go to the school. Share with them what you’ve done so they know you’re proactive and not reactive. This shows you’re there to find a solution together and not just put blame on them and expect a sole solution.

Noni: During the first few instances when my daughter was being bullied, I did not want to step in.
But when it kept happening and it was premeditated, I finally wrote a letter on our online group for parents. I posted it on Facebook, as I wanted my loved ones to know what was going on. I didn’t know it was going to go viral, but as a father, I was just trying to protect my daughter.

Dr. Tan: If you know your child is being bullied, talk to him. Find out what is being done to him and what he has done in response. When the bullying is evident and prolonged, act on it and rectify the situation. There has to be a strong parent-school partnership. Know whom you can talk to and who is responsible. There’s due process; you don’t want to haphazardly take the situation into your own hands and go against another parent or the school.

Younger kids need more protection and guidance, but in general, working with your child to solve the problem and collaborating with each other helps. A lot of children may not want direct school involvement and to possibly anger the bully even more, so collaborating with the school (i.e. guidance counselor) and your child is essential to arrive at the best solution. I would also advise parents to be mindful of the “Band-Aid” approach to solving bullying by simply pulling the child out of school. This may be a good idea in some situations, but we must not forget that the child may have undergone a traumatic experience and interventions are needed to help him work through the painful experience, even if he’s already in a new school.

Related story: What you and the School can do to Eradicate Bullying


Bully-proof your kid
Bianca: Parents should not sweep things under the rug or take things lightly, or worse, both. Parents have the tendency to tell their kids (even if it is meant in a good way) that what they’re going through is “kiddie” stuff and that there are bigger problems in life when they grow up. We should give equal [weight] to our problem and to our kids’. This will better equip them to handle bigger situations in the future.

Noni: I tell my kids to ignore the bullies and not to let them get to them. Our culture is more intolerant now, but each person is unique. My daughter, after the incident with the lunch box, asked her teacher to move her to another seat. The solution came from her, and we should give our kids more credit. My daughter still wants to go to the same school even after all that has happened. I’m proud she is that way.

Though some people say we should have been passive about the incident, we recognized the fear in our child and we refused to be passive. If our children don’t channel their fear, it can become aggression. But if we help them channel it, it can lead to faith and hope. The bully didn’t win—we did. We got the bully and his parents to apologize, and we got the school to instill policies on bullying for the younger levels. After my child was bullied, I talked to my kids and told them they shouldn’t let people hurt them. I told them they are worth much more than that.

Dr. Tan: Research recommends that initially, the best way to respond to bullies is to ignore them, as they may simply stop bothering you. But if they don’t stop, you have to teach children to be assertive, not aggressive. Teach them to solve problems and mediate conflicts. Aside from the bullies and victims, there are the bystanders. Sometimes, kids are just grateful that they’re not the ones being bullied, but they can also take action to help the victims. We don’t want our kids to be passive bystanders who allow bullying; peer mediation and support can help.

Related story: Bullying and the Power of the Passive Bystander

Children need to be part of a bigger system where bullying is not allowed. Schools should show that there are no social payoffs for bullying. The kids should be empowered to stop bullying—that you’re the odd one out if you’re a bully. Studies have shown that children who show empathy and compassion, and who step in and try to solve the situation, come from the most stable environments and loving homes, which is a testament to responsible parenting.

Parental support and solid family relationships are the ultimate buffers for a child experiencing the negative after-effects of bullying. The school’s support also helps a lot. We don’t want the child to feel alone in this process. Bullying victims are usually socially isolated. They need to get back into the support system and have relationships that can help them get through this difficult experience. Again, the school-home partnership is crucial.


Stop the bullying
Bianca: I share with both parents and kids my own experiences of being bullied and how I overcame them so they can draw some strength or insight from it. However, rather than wait for kids to approach guidance counselors (which, in some cases, may already be too late), guidance counselors should take a more proactive approach by having individual weekly unscheduled talks with students, if possible.

Noni: Some schools say they have zero tolerance for bullying, but most of the time, that’s just lip service. There’s now a law that is being passed requiring schools to enforce regulations on bullying. In our home, we try to provide a loving environment for our children to grow in.

Related story: Philippine Congress Passes Anti-Bullying Bill

Dr. Tan: Families, schools, and communities should be attuned to what is happening among the children. Let’s raise emotionally intelligent kids by being emotionally intelligent parents and mentors.

Your child does not have to be a victim of bullying for you to be part of this advocacy. Let’s not be bystanders. Bullying victims usually develop a distorted self-concept: that they’re losers, they’re not good enough, they’re not worthy, etc. We can’t stand back and let our kids believe that. We have to help the victims and the bullies; each person in the community—child or adult—has a role to play in this advocacy.

Photos by Dakila Angeles
Shot on location at Aria Cucina Italiana, Bonifacio Global City, Taguig

Thumbnail image from childrensmn.org
Facebook image by Patrick from flickr.com