Could your Child be Gay?

If you should find yourselves blessed with a child who shows tendencies of being gay, know that your child will experience tough challenges as he or she grows up. Speaking from my personal experience, I have witnessed how my parents had a hard time accepting the fact that my sister is lesbian.

But since homosexuality is a reality, you would want to know the facts. The following ideas are based on the book Understanding Homosexuality, Changing Schools. A Text for Teachers, Counselors, and Administrators by Arthur Lipkin, an instructor at the Harvard Graduate School of Education. In a nutshell, here are the stages of emotional development that a homosexual child undergoes:

1. Pre-Sexuality (Preadolescent nonsexual feelings of difference and marginality)
Usually occurring between the ages of six onward, this stage is where the child notices stirrings (not to be confused with sexual desire – that comes later) within that he or she does not understand. There is the awareness that fitting into the basic societal definition of “boy” or “girl” seems to require effort, whereas peers don’t seem to have that problem. It is occasionally described as a feeling of doubt, a sense of something wrong, a feeling that the child is different from others. This is the phase that seems most difficult to articulate, due to the child’s age.  
 
2. Identity Questioning (Ambiguous, repressed, sexualized same-gender feelings and/or activities. Avoidance of stigmatized label)
This stage becomes apparent during adolescence and if not allowed to progress, the young teen may remain stuck in this phase for years, even decades (there are documented cases of individuals in their late fifties and sixties who have spouses and children but who nonetheless possess homosexual natures). This is where the child realizes that he or she feels sexual yearnings for others of the same gender. Emotional tension may be experienced and will manifest as anxiety and confusion arising from the fact that the child possesses some knowledge of a difference between what is homosexual from what is heterosexual. In non-progressive societies and religions, the child realizes there is a negative connotation to homosexuality and he or she may seek to conceal it or try to resort to ‘curing’ it by whatever means he or she may believe effective. This can be anything – prayer, counseling, drugs, immersion into ‘manly’ or ‘feminine’ activities – all done to expunge the sense of guilt and bewilderment she or he may be harboring.

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3. Coming Out (Toleration then acceptance of identity through contact with gay/lesbian individuals and culture. Exploration of sexual possibilities and first erotic relationships. Careful, selective self-disclosure outside gay /lesbian community)
This is the point where your child is able to say, “I may be gay” – well, at least to himself or herself. While this revelation may be something the individual sees as positive, he or she may still try to hide their being homosexual, seeking to avoid gay behavior and experiencing feelings of self-loathing and alienation.
 
Eventually, this person seeks out other gay people and starts to experiment with emotional and sexual relationships with others (One challenge of this stage is how to deal with falling in love with someone who isn’t gay). Eventually, the individual decides to disclose his or her homosexual nature to trusted individuals, friends or family. However, sexual contact without a gay identity or positive socialization may result in stunted emotional development for the individual.
 
The Coming Out stage is very delicate, but when done correctly with a lot of love and support from friends and family, can be a powerful confidence booster. One dear friend of mine came out last year, to the surprise of absolutely no one, as we had all suspected he was gay for more than a decade.  Still, we felt he needed it; after he came out, he became happier and more comfortable with himself and other people.
 
4. Pride (Integration of sexuality into self. Capacity for love relationships. Wider self-disclosure and better stigma management)
At this level, the individual has the confidence to better handle the social prejudices against being gay. He or she is now capable of healthy reciprocation and stability in homosexual relationships. This stage is where some gays take to the streets wearing rainbow colors and proclaiming their emancipation to the world, but that really depends on the individual; some will be content with blogging about it or even just being able to come to church without feeling that God will strike them dead for being gay. Sometimes, this is also the stage where “us versus them” or “straight versus queer” attitude surfaces, as some of the anger from the previous emotional phases is redirected, prompting them to say, “Who are other people to judge who or what I am?”

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5. Post-Sexuality (Diminishment of centrality of homosexuality in self-concept and social relations)
The penultimate stage of development is when the individual feels whole – when sexual orientation is no longer the main driving force behind his or her identity (I like to call it Gay Zen). At this stage, they will be at their happiest (at least where the subject of sexuality is concerned). They have settled in comfortably with the rest of society and no longer feel as much angst or anger about it. This person is very introspective and constantly reevaluates his or her identity, but fully embraces it and feels that he or she has more important concerns about life.

Take note that these are all generalizations, and that they blur into one another and vary from one individual to the next. These are guidelines and are meant to help you understand your child and help him comprehend the emotional and psychological implications of being gay, as it occurs from one point of life to the next. Understand though that a child’s ability to actualize his or her feelings is severely limited. Teenagers face as much difficulty as they are also experiencing hormonal imbalances and the pressures of high school’s complex social hierarchy and systems. If you and your child find difficulty with coming to terms with his or her homosexuality, you may both wish to consider family counseling together.

People may have differing views about homosexuality, but one must remember that being gay is not a disease, and is therefore, not meant to be “cured”. It is not something your child will grow out of. It is not God’s curse for an unrighteous life. It is a situation that doesn’t change the fact that your child is still a wonderful human being, and that he or she can grow up into someone you can truly be proud of. 

Photo from sxc.hu