Let Your Kids Get Frustrated: Psychologist Explains Why It's Good For Children

“Huwag mo paiyakin ang bata!”

It’s a line that parents in all forms have heard countless times from all kinds of people. As a first time parent to my eldest daughter, I have heard it when she’s quietly crying as she waits for me to breastfeed her. I have heard it when she’s crying her lungs out as I try to coax her into taking a much needed shower. It seems children crying of any kind and for whatever reason is a big no-no. Hence, parents are pressured to do everything they can to avoid upsetting children.

But the reality is, crying is a norm for children. It is how babies communicate. And it is how children express their emotions - such as sadness, annoyance, or even frustration. So the question remains, is it OK for parents to let their children cry or experience frustration?

Experts say frustration in kids can be a good thing

A recent article published in Psychology Today states that parents’ tendency to constantly rush to their kids’ aid whenever life gets tough so they would not cry or get frustrated can be detrimental for them. Furthermore, author Kurt W. Ela Psy.D. suggests that allowing children to face appropriately challenging situations can be beneficial for their development.

But why are frustrated kids considered such a bad thing? Why are parents so hardwired to prevent their kids from crying and other extreme emotions such as frustration? And how much frustration is considered beneficial?

Why do parents feel the need to "rescue" their children?

Perhaps it all boils down to our deep love and parental instincts—our natural tendency to protect and fight for our children at all costs, especially in life-threatening situations. But admittedly, the line between a necessary rescue and an unnecessary one can become blurred. Before parents realize it, they might be making their children's lives as easy and challenge-free as possible. Some parents even go to extreme lengths, like breaking the law, as seen in the US college admissions scandal, just to ensure their children's lives remain unencumbered.

Another aspect to consider is that parents themselves might carry their own sense of competition or unresolved childhood conflicts that contribute to their overprotectiveness. This occurs when parents feel that they had difficult lives, leading them to prefer an easier path for their kids.

Of course, neglecting the child and leaving them to face life's challenges alone is far from ideal for obvious reasons. Such harsh conditions can negatively affect the child's emotional, intellectual, and even physical well-being. Perhaps this picture of “neglected” kids is the reason why parents are not keen on letting their kids get frustrated.

So, where should parents strike the right balance?

So if too much or too little frustration is considered bad for kids, where is the “balance?” Perhaps the answer lies in Austrian-born American psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut’s “optimal frustration.” Optimal frustration refers to a tolerable level of frustration and disappointment. It's the right amount of "frustration" a child experiences that leads to growth and the development of new coping skills. For example, a mother soothing her frustrated child who wants a pacifier helps the child function without it.

Optimal frustration allows children to tackle challenges "on their own," with parents intervening only when a task or situation becomes overwhelming. Even in such cases, parents provide just enough support to let the child own the task and experience a sense of accomplishment.

What are examples of optimal frustration?

For younger children: Allowing them to figure out how to handle age-appropriate toys.

For older children: Assigning reasonable and age-appropriate household chores, gradually increasing complexity as they grow older to teach responsibility.

For teenagers: Letting them address their academic concerns, empowering them in the process.

Perhaps the simplest way parents can let their kids experience frustration and manage their own challenges is by letting them complete their homework independently—at any age. Guide them, offer support, provide necessary materials, but refrain from doing the work for them. Facing challenges and dealing with frustration enables us to grow and gain a richer experience of life. Undoubtedly, our children also deserve the opportunity to go through that process.

So if you are guilty of letting your kids cry out or get frustrated, no worries. Because a little of both can help them in the long run.