Good Kids with bad behavior: How to Help Your Child Develop Good Habits

Five-year-old Bobby is a natural performer. He turns on the charm for family and friends, his cute little capers eliciting “oohs” and “aahs” from smitten observers. Recently, however, his mother Lisa has been attacked by a case of bad behavior. Switched on almost as quickly as his song-and-dance routines, Bobby’s new antics are more irksome than they are adorable. Bobby interrupts Lisa’s adult conversations, or cuts in her sentences without letting her finish speaking. Normally well behaved, he suddenly turns disagreeable once he’s in front of other people.

“I was having a dinner party, when Bobby entered the room asking for cake,” recalls Lisa. “When I said he could have a slice for dessert, he threw a major tantrum, screaming, ‘I want cake right now!’”

Embarrassed, Lisa gave in and Bobby had his cake. “It frustrates me to know that he can be well mannered, but chooses to misbehave,” sighs Lisa. “I just want the bad behavior to disappear.”

Even the most patient of parents can’t help but feel frustrated and irritated in the face of annoying habits, especially when they start becoming repetitive. Interrupting your conversations, screaming, kicking, or throwing a temper tantrum, whining, or back talking are some ways in which your child can test your limits—and get your attention.

Ma. Bernardita Dela Rama, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and head of the Education Department at Assumption College, explains, “Children learn very quickly how to get your attention and keep it focused on them. If you want to change negative behavior, it helps to understand the reasons why your child is acting in such manner.”

Bad behavior can result from stress, boredom, tiredness, frustration, unhappiness, or insecurity—feelings that your child cannot communicate verbally. For example, it isn’t unlikely for you to experience some of these habits right when your child needs a nap and is most irritable or after the birth of a new sibling, when feelings of envy or anxiety oftentimes arise. Sometimes, your child may also just be mimicking something he saw on television. Unless the bad behaviors are unusual for your child’s age or affect others significantly, they should not be cause for any alarm.

 

Click here to learn more about how to battle bad behavior and define good behavior.

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Read on to learn more about how to battle bad behavior and define good behavior.

 

Battling bad behavior
“Bad behavior is oftentimes just a phase or habit a child can work on with enough guidance from his parents,” advises Dr. Dela Rama. The main challenge is managing the bad behavior with calmness, firmness, and consistency.

Below are some guidelines to help you prevent and gradually correct your child’s’ bad behavior in positive ways. While behavior doesn’t change overnight, it can certainly be improved over time.


Define good behavior
Even before bad behavior starts, take time to sit down with your child to talk about good manners. By differentiating good from bad conduct, your child will gain an awareness of his actions. Establish some positive rules, and emphasize that good behavior is the best way to make Mommy or Daddy listen and understand his needs better. Likewise, talk to your child about the consequences of breaking the rules—whether it is a time out, or the removal of privileges such as playtime or television.


Practice it with your child Behavior rehearsal is helpful in teaching new behavior to a child. Telling children how to behave better becomes more effective when you show them how. For example, if your child has a case of whining, you can help him develop good language and communication skills by practicing the many ways he can ask for help or a snack in a normal voice.


Try to ignore the annoying behavior
Children learn to use bad behavior as a way of catching a parent’s attention. While your initial reaction may be to nag, plead, or strike a deal to get your child to stop the bad behavior immediately, these actions may actually encourage his antics.

The best way to control your child’s bad behavior is to simply ignore it. By not calling attention to his temper tantrum, your child will catch the signal that his antics are not working—and he’ll outgrow the bad habits in time.

 

Click here to learn more about how to be clear and firm when disciplining your child.

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Read on to learn more about how to be clear and firm when disciplining your child.

 

Be clear, firm, and consistent
If your child’s bad behavior requires parental intervention, it is best to be both clear and firm. “Even with young children, it is important for parents to assert their authority,” emphasizes Dr. Dela Rama. “During a temper tantrum, for instance, take your child aside. Look him in the eye, lower your voice, and say, ‘I want you to stop.’ The serious and firm, yet reassuring tone tells your child that this is not a regular conversation, and it will make him listen. Eye contact expresses the seriousness of your purpose. Talk slowly too so that he will understand every word you say.”

If this strategy fails, you can remind your child about the consequences of bad behavior that you had discussed earlier, and follow through with implementing them once your child decides to continue his bad behavior. Consistency is key, as children pick up very quickly on opportunities to get their way or get away with bad behavior.


Give in at the right time and place Discipline does not mean harshness or deprivation. The height of your child’s bad behavior—when he is whining or screaming for a particular toy—is not the best time to give in, but it doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t give the toy at another time.
Dr. Dela Rama stresses, “Reward your child with the toy for good behavior, such as studying hard or helping take care of a newborn sibling—always in the light of positive action. This will demonstrate the ineffectiveness of bad behavior to your child.”


Isolate bad behavior
Separate your child’s bad behavior from his character. When you must speak to your child about his antics, remember to criticize the bad behavior without resorting to calling him a “bad boy.”


Praise desirable behavior
While you should ignore bad behavior, you should take time to notice when your child is being good—and give adequate praise for it. Tell your child that you’ve noticed how politely he asks for something, emphasizing that this behavior is what you’d like to see more of. Praise and positive rewards, combined with oodles of patience, are the best ways to keep bad behavior at bay.


Let your child make decisions
Curb your child’s feelings of helplessness, stress, and frustration by offering acceptable choices and encouraging him to choose. For example, “Which outfit would you like to wear to the party?” Engaging your child in the decision-making process helps him feel confident and in control of an otherwise anxiety-laden situation.

 

Click here to see books on behavior and real stories fom moms.

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Read on to see books on behavior and real stories fom moms.

 

Good books
Great resources for teaching your child good behavior

Good Kids, Bad Habits: The RealAge
Guide to Raising Healthy Children
By Jennifer Trachtenberg
Harper Paperbacks, 2007

No: Why Kids—of All Ages—Need to
Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say it
By David Walsh
Free Press, 2007


Real moms spill how they dealt with their child’s bad behavior

Backtalk Blues
“Once, I asked my nine-year-old daughter to help set the table for dinner,” says Jenny, a mother of three. To her surprise, her daughter screamed, “Why do I always have to set the table?” and indignantly sat in front of the TV.

“I took a deep breath and held my tongue,” says Jenny. “After requesting that she turn off the TV and ignoring her eye-rolling, I said, ‘You sound upset. What’s wrong?’” What followed was a good mother-daughter talk on chores and responsibilities, and a new task system for Nicky and her brothers that was more fair for everyone. Jenny also made sure to emphasize how everyone contributed to the family’s well-being through the chores they performed.

DOC’s DIAGNOSIS: Ma. Bernardita Dela Rama, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, says, “Rather than denying Nicky’s feelings, Jenny took the time to talk to her about her emotions and the root of the problem. Given a venue to express herself, Nicky realized that there are better ways to express her frustration than backtalk.”


Slang and Sarcasm
Patrick came home from school one day, and his mother Kathy gingerly greeted him at the door, asking, “How was school today, Honey?” Patrick barely looked at her as he said, “Duh, Mom, it sucked. Why do you care?” and stormed up to his room. Taken aback, Kathy nevertheless thought it best to give her son some time to calm down. She chose to remain quiet throughout dinner, even when Patrick came down to join the family, this time in a much better mood. Kathy later called him aside to talk. “I spoke to my son as firmly and calmly as I could, hiding my anger but revealing my disappointment,” says Kathy. “I said, ‘It hurts me when you talk to me that way. You can tell me that you need quiet time alone in a nicer way.’” Patrick realized that his mother was disappointed at the way he spoke to her, and not at him directly. He apologized and promised to do better next time.

DOC’S DIAGNOSIS: “Like adults, children need space to deal with their emotions and calm down,” says Dr. Dela Rama. “Parents do not always have to act toward a situation at the particular moment it happens; sometimes, it is best to let emotions pass. The right timing is key to good communication.” She adds, “It is also vital for children to know that while it is okay to feel upset, one should be careful to release one’s emotions without hurting other people’s feelings. In the same manner, parents should remember to separate the bad behavior from the child’s character. Everyone slips up once in a while, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t good children.”



Photography by Jun Pinzon

SOURCE:
•    Ma. Bernardita D. Dela Rama, Ph.D., clinical psychologist; Department Head, Education Department, Assumption College Makati