Manners Matter: Teaching Your Big Kid Proper Behavior in Different Situations

As a parent, it is important for you to teach your child how to behave properly in certain places and situations. But as with any challenge, this is easier said than done. Before you start telling your tot how to act a certain way, keep in mind that he is, after all, just a child who will react in a way that is natural to him. Maria Theresa Ujano-Batangan, Ph.D., an associate professor at the Department of Psychology in UP Diliman explains, “Children will never behave as adults. You must contextualize their ability to fulfill societal expectations in their capacity to understand the bases for such ‘rules’ and the consistency of these ‘rules’ to their own values.” Myla Lee-Tolentino, who holds a master’s degree in Family Life and Child Development from UP Diliman and is the school directress of the Pail and Shovel Integrated School in Quezon City, adds, “Instructions given to a child must be developmentally appropriate. Keeping in mind that they are not adults will lead to the success of instilling good manners. This will also give them a preview of how the rest of the world will treat them.”

Observe and listen to your child’s unique perspective, and it will give you a better grasp of what the experience is like for him, especially if he will be going through it for the first time.

Riza Ng, M.A., a staff psychologist at the MLAC Institute for Children and Families at Cardinal Santos Medical Center in San Juan, stresses the importance of managing expectations with your child. “Orient him on what to expect—be it large crowds, a high or low level of noise, or the need to remain seated or lined up.” It will also help if you explain to your child that every action results in certain consequences that affect those around him. Lee-Tolentino says, “Parents should tell their children that there is a right time and place for everything. Let them know that their behavior results into something by offering a simple explanation.”

Understand your child well and learn how to communicate effectively with him. Ng suggests that parents share “teachable moments” with their child, to explain situations such as going to the movies or theater, attending mass or going to a wake or funeral, “when the children themselves are curious enough to ask.” “Parents can practice with the child at home, using pictures from magazines or clips from television shows. You can even bring your tot to similar places to observe how other people conduct themselves in these given situations. Encourage the children to be inquisitive while at home, so they won’t cause much disturbance when they are already at these places.”

 

Click here to read more about your big kid's proper behavior in public places.

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Read more about your big kid's proper behavior in public places.

 

Child behavior in public places
Teach your little one how to conduct himself in these places that require proper decorum. Orient your child on what to expect in such situations


At the movies or in a theater
Maya Tamayo, mom to a six-year-old boy, first brought her child to the movies when he was three years old. She always makes sure it’s a movie he can enjoy, keeping in mind his attention span. “We tell him how long it will be so he knows what to expect.”
•    Simulate a theater-like experience at home to determine if your child is ready for the real thing: At night, play animated games, shadow play, or hide-and-seek to ease any fears of the dark. In your TV room, arrange chairs by rows and columns. Assign someone to sell and collect tickets.
•    Teach him how to use hand gestures when he wants to eat, drink, or go to the restroom.
•    Tell him that if he wants to talk, he’d have to raise his hand and use his ‘indoor voice’ to avoid any disruptions.

In church or during religious ceremonies
Priscilla Baños, a mother of four, says, “We usually sit near the altar so they won’t notice the other kids roaming at the back of the church. Another technique is to bring a favorite thing (a small item which does not catch too much attention) they can toy with quietly.”
•    In case your child cannot stay put during the mass, sit near the church exits, or bring him outside for a while.
•    Make sure you feed your child before going to church. Check if he is sick, tired, or bored.
•    Tell your child he can go to church with you again if he behaves during the mass.
•    Bring him to church when there is no actual mass so he can be acquainted with its parts even before you attend the celebration.
 
At a wake or funeral
When there was a death in their family, Tamayo explained to her child that people believe in different things when it comes to the after life, and that he has to respect that. “We told him that death is normal, and it happens in life. When people cried, we explained to him that they are sad to lose that person.”
•    Give your child a chance to say a personal good-bye, either by writing a letter, saying it out loud or to himself, to help him process the situation.
•    Explain the norms observed during a wake.
•    Encourage the child to pray for his loved one. In this way, he will learn to value the spirituality surrounding this event and realize his special role in the family.

 

Click here to read more about how parents should trust their children to behave properly and praise their efforts.

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Read more about how parents should trust their children to behave properly and praise their efforts.

 

Tamayo considers trust as an important factor in a parent-child relationship. “Don’t get used to believing that kids can’t think for themselves. Always be affirmative. Phrase your statements in a positive way.”

Baños adds, “Identify the child’s personality to know the right method to use with him. Children behave differently so you have to find the most effective way to make them follow you. Remember to praise their efforts.”

Whether or not your child is able to do all these, remember that misbehavior is a chance for learning, both for you and your child. “Parents shouldn’t think that children are adults who can always do what they want them to do. Many times, they do the opposite,” says Lee-Tolentino.

Dr. Ujano-Batangan stresses, “If 'children' are able to understand, then they are more likely to behave appropriately.

But if they fail to do so, give them opportunities to reflect on their behavior and to resolve the issues attendant to the ‘misdemeanor.’”


Photography by Jun Pinzon