What to Do When Your Child Makes Up a Story About Absentee Father

A 6-year-old’s story
This is a true story, and so naturally the names have been changed. Six-year-old Ashley, raised solely by her mother, a finance executive, declared to whole first grade classroom on “family introduction” day that: “My Mommy manages a big bank, and my Daddy…” she stopped to inhale, “My Daddy is a scientist who works for Barbie!”

An amusing antic to most of us that would garner a chuckle at Sunday brunch may be a little more serious for a child with a single parent. Speaking with Dr. Reinald F.J.T. Castaneda, a psychiatrist, he notes that these events occur with countless causes based on the type of society the child is exposed to, as well as its general belief system, level of understanding and cognitive sophistication.

In other words, a child may be trying to keep up with his or her peers. This does not denote any level of insecurity, or lack of care in the part of the single mother but may indicate that there may be a lack of open communication between mother and child about his or her father.


The challenges of being a single parent
As with our culture, even if it has evolved as a modern society, some still see being a single parent as a crutch of sorts, which is never actually the case unless neglect is a factor. There are many successful and confident adults raised by one parent, notably U.S. President Barack Obama, whose parents were divorced, and former U.S. president Bill Clinton, whose father died in a car accident before he was born. If you want to hit closer to home, note that Manny Pacquiao was raised by “Aling Dionisia” since his parents were separated when he was in sixth grade. Add actor Tom Cruise to the list as well.  
 
My sister-in-law Justin Ahorro, a graduating nursing student, had a son at 18. Things did not work out between her and her ex, and thus had said this about her now 4-year-old son Seth’s father: “I told my son that mommy and daddy are both good things like oil and water, but they can’t mix. I maintain a casual relationship with his dad, but I don’t see him a lot, but I tell Seth that he can see him anytime, so I never have a problem with him and school”.

Click here to learn more about the possible triggers and what you can do about it.

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Read on to learn more about the possible triggers and what you can do about it.

Understanding the probable reasons
Back to Dr. Castañeda’s professional insights, he explains that “No child wants to be different and feel excluded from their peers. Perhaps there’s a need for wholeness that is involved that prompts a child to fantasize about the absent parent, even basic curiosity about the missing person in their lives. Questions like: "Who was he or she?"; " What did he or she do?"; "Is he or she a good person?"; "Would he or she have loved me?"; "Why is he or she not with me?"; "Was it my fault?" or "Will they ever return?"  would probably cross the child's mind. If a few or many of such questions were left unanswered by the remaining parent, the child may create a fantasy to make sense of things, to make themselves feel whole or perhaps ease the pain of a real or imagined rejection or abandonment. The child can imagine that the absent parent will someday come back and complete their family for instance. It could also be easier for the peers to accept that the absent parent is elsewhere rather than not there, but then, things can get complicated when inconsistencies come out and the child is caught in their lie.”
 

Never think yourself as inadequate and don’t hesitate to seek help
So what do you do as a single mother?  Despite how much love, care, consideration, and even explanation given a child, situations like these may occur because children are what they are. You don’t have to make yourself seem extra special to your child because of a “missing piece”.  There is nothing missing to begin with. There are several different productive and happy families, such as same-sex parents, children raised by grandparents or other relatives, children with one parent working abroad, adopted children, step-parents and new unions. So as a responsible single mother, you should never think yourself inadequate or in any way incapable or incomplete.  
 
If you find yourself in a situation where your child chatters on about a father in outer space, do not embarrass or berate the child, or address his whole classroom or friends to “own up”. Although the value of telling the truth is integral to growing up, explain the situation properly to the child, and instill values of confidence in him or her, so that they may even one day tell their friends the truth.

If this however becomes a habitual problem, it’s best that you coordinate with the school guidance counselor for help.  In extreme cases, cognitive therapy may be requisite but this is rare. All you have to do is brush it off, keep the communication lines between you and your child constantly free and true, always lending a patient ear to whatever their concerns may be, your child will outgrow this in no time and evolve into a confident, positive adult…and maybe one day even become an astronaut!

Photography by Jun Pinzon