Befriending A Classmate On The Spectrum: Ausome Parents’ Insights

We know a lot more now about Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) than we did before, and we might know “Ausome” kids and Ausome parents from our own communities. However, the journey–especially theirs–is always different for those navigating it than for us observing from the outside. Thus, we should learn to listen to their stories, their valuable insights and the heartfelt requests they wish to share with fellow parents and educators.

My work in educational research and community engagements has brought me within the challenging sphere of ASD. Beyond such exposures and certainly closer to home, autism within extended family members has brought me face to face and heart to heart with a condition that continues to surprise even experts with its diverse manifestations and wide-ranging complexities.

I write this story to lend a voice to autism warriors so that in their own words, they can open our understanding of the challenges they have to bear on a daily basis and share the unique joys they encounter in their journey. Through their voices, may we gain a deeper understanding of their world, their needs, and how we can contribute to a more inclusive and supportive environment.

The unintended impact of words and actions to ausome kids

“Once, a teacher told their class that one of them may have a teenage body but the mind of a child. My son cringed as he heard this even when he knew his teacher was referring to another classmate. He was afraid his classmates would think it was him. He has autism. He has quirks and mannerisms. He, too, is different.” – Mother of 16-year-old Marco.

Too often, superficially innocent words, thoughtless actions and seemingly normal reactions break the hearts of Ausome kids, and those who care for them. The long stares and the murmurs, the pointing and laughing, or simply the cold indifference that makes them seemingly invisible. Not seen. Not heard. Not felt. So very misunderstood. Not accepted just the way they are.

While autism spectrum disorder is increasingly becoming common, affecting 1 in every 100 children according to estimates of the World Health Organization, there is still so much that needs to be constantly done in order to change mindsets and let understanding and compassion stick.

The crucial need for community and understanding

“Maganda sana kung may community of parents ng kagaya kong special needs mom in our city. At least doon, alam ko, maiintindihan nila ang pinagdadaanan namin ng pamilya ko. May karamay ako.” Jane, a mother of 8-year-old Matthew, shares a common sentiment.

But it really shouldn’t take any mother or parent or teacher the firsthand experience of having a child on the spectrum themselves so they can understand and sympathize with the struggles that Ausome parents go through.

“For starters, you can teach your own kid who goes to school with a classmate on the spectrum or a schoolmate that befriending them and showing genuine interest in getting to know them goes a long way in boosting their self-esteem.”

Adjusting to unique needs

“I need to adjust my parenting style because my youngest has unusually difficult behavior patterns. He is sensitive to certain types of noises and gets really anxious in new environments. I find myself needing to explain this to people a lot. He is not trying to be difficult. He just needs a hand of help to adjust. Allen needs constant care and attention.” – Vivian, mother of 15-year old Allen.

Her story is a call for patience and understanding, highlighting the need for support in helping children on the spectrum navigate their surroundings comfortably.

The emotional and financial toll

As if the emotional rollercoaster and mental health toll the condition brings to parents are not enough, they have to grapple with the financial burden associated with therapies, special schooling and medical interventions.

“Diagnostic tests pa lang, sobrang mahal na. Lalo pa yung interventions. Pero ginagapang talaga naming mag-asawa yung behavioral at speech therapy ng anak ko habang maliit pa siya.” – Mother of 5-year-old Sam.

This is a stark reminder of the comprehensive support that families need, encompassing both emotional and financial assistance.

The power of acceptance and advocacy

“Dapat di sila manahimik o mahihiya. For me, acceptance came easy di kagaya ng marami. Di ko naman sila masisisi because they are hoping na delayed development lang. But I had no problems accepting it. Pero natakot po talaga ako kung anong mangyayari sa kanya, kung paano na siya kung mawawala kami ng Daddy niya. But with the strength coming from faith, na-oovercome ko naman ang fear. And on the bright side, malambing po talaga si JK. Napakalambing niya tapos hahalikan ka na alam kong at the age of 6 years old, minsan ang batang lalake ayaw nang nagpapahalik. And on the lighter side, sinasabi ko thank God dahil may anak akong alam ko magsi-stay sa akin forever.” – Mommy AJ talking about her son JK.

Acceptance and advocacy play crucial roles in the lives of families navigating ASD. Mommy AJ is just one example of the emotional strength that special needs parents have to muster every single day in order to survive and help their kids thrive.

Fostering a supportive environment

“Do you know that you have the capacity to create a caring and supportive environment for Ausome kids at home, in school and in the larger community?” This is an empowering challenge posed by one Ausome dad who also happens to be a teacher. How? “For starters, you can teach your own kid who goes to school with a classmate on the spectrum or a schoolmate that befriending them and showing genuine interest in getting to know them goes a long way in boosting their self-esteem.”

This is a clear call to action for parents and educators: create a caring and supportive environment for children on the spectrum, which includes teaching our children about empathy, inclusion, and the value of friendship.

“I knew I had an extra layer of mission in school when an Ausome student joined our mainstream class. I needed to model for my students the kind of appropriate behavior in dealing with Erin. I was caring, patient and respectful. Although I was already a teacher, I felt I needed to educate myself further on how best to carve a supportive learning environment for her."--Teacher Lea

Understanding communication and social challenges

Social isolation is a cold reality faced by many Ausome kids. Their communication difficulties do not mean they don’t want to reach out. They just do so differently. Sadly, slurred speech patterns and repetitive behaviors naturally throw people off. As a result they are easy targets for bullying, discrimination and downright abuse.

Ten-year-old Kim shares, “When my classmates are being rowdy, the noise makes me so uncomfortable, so I pace the room and tap on my ears to shut off the noise. This makes some boys point at me and start laughing. I feel awful but I can’t help it. Luckily, our adviser was quick to come around to comfort me and tell the class to quiet down for everyone’s sake.”

The role of educators and the community

In the classroom, teachers are the first line of defense and nearest advocate for Ausome students.

“I knew I had an extra layer of mission in school when an Ausome student joined our mainstream class. I needed to model for my students the kind of appropriate behavior in dealing with Erin. I was caring, patient and respectful. Although I was already a teacher, I felt I needed to educate myself further on how best to carve a supportive learning environment for her. It was not easy. I find that I needed to educate not just the kids but even other parents and my fellow teachers.” – Teacher Lea, a grade school teacher.

Educators like Teacher Lea, who find themselves with Ausome students in their mainstream classes should recognize the added responsibility to model and teach appropriate behaviors. And this can extend to educating fellow teachers and parents, emphasizing that support and understanding from the entire community are essential in raising an Ausome child.

The continuous journey of Ausome kids and their parents

Talking with a mother whose son was recently diagnosed with non-verbal autism, she unburdens, “Natatakot lang ako na baka may nararamdaman siya pero di niya masabi sa amin, o kaya may nananakit sa kanya pero tinitiis na lang niya, kawawa naman.”

As a parent this fear is deeply profound and relatable. It made me want to reach out to parents of special needs children and offer any kind of support they need, even it be simply listening ears, or a playdate with my toddler. We don’t need to look far to find a reason to care about autism and share our own brand of kindness.

I see special needs parents doing their best every single day and yes, they really are doing the best they can even when it does not look like it at times. The effort is always there. But so is the uncertainty of outcome and what the future holds.

One day in church, I met a jolly young boy named Miguel. He looked dapper in smart casuals with a hat to boot. He was excited to be surrounded by kids laughing and chasing each other about. High fives and big smiles everywhere. I leaned over to his eye level and told him I am amazed by his energy. He said something in reply which his sister, who happened to be nearby, quickly repeated for him (so I’d understand). Then when Miguel was out of earshot, his sister came to me and proudly said, “Do you know that he has autism?” She said the words with such calm and confidence that I couldn’t help but wish every parent, sibling, teacher and friend could speak the same way about their loved one. No shame. No pity. Yes, there was pride. I quickly found myself saying, “Well I knew there was something special about him even when I had just met him. Now I know he has that superpower.” Miguel’s sister smiled.

Yes, we often hear about extraordinary aptitudes displayed by those on the spectrum. But their superpower does not lie in this alone. Their special skills may be celebrated on display, but it is their hidden resilience that is truly heroic. The same can be said of parents, families and caregivers for whom patience is a superpower they develop over time.

We see them. We hear them. We feel them. We strive to understand them. We push our hearts to open wide enough to embrace them because at the end of the day, we are all alike – seeking to share ourselves, craving for connection, aspiring for acceptance, and deserving of our bravest dreams coming true.

MaryRose Cobarde Candare is a mother of 3 and the youngest of 10 children. Motherhood inspires her to create conversation-sparking stories and inspiring bits of parenting perspective. She is a children's book author, teacher and lifelong learner.

Read here to learn how the Autism Care Bill can help Filipinos on the spectrum.