#SPConfessions: 'I Failed To Expose Him To Stimuli Kaya Hindi Siya Nag-Develop,' Single Mom Nag-Alala Dahil Sa Autism Ng Anak

Ang kwentong ito ay hango sa isang tunay na #SPConfessions na ipinadala sa amin sa Smart Parenting Village. Ang ilang mga detalye ay bahagya naming binago upang bigyang proteksyon ang nagpadala nito.

I've been an avid reader of the #SPConfessions, as well as the comments here in the Smart Parenting Village. So I thought of submitting my own story so that I can lighten my load because honestly, I am emotionally exhausted with everything that has been happening in my life.

Let me start with my decision to separate with my husband last year. Bitbit ko ang anak ko at mga gamit nya, umalis kami ng hatinggabi kasi hindi ko na mapagtiisan ang ugali ng asawa ko. I have a job that is a work-from-home setup, I care for our 1-year-old child, and I also do some of the chores like cooking, and cleaning the house.

While my husband does the laundry and washes the dishes, wala siyang work and he wakes up at around 12 noon not worrying about how I can work while babysitting. Nagsisinungaling pa sya minsan na may sakit sya to reason out yung katamaran niya, at kapag pinagsabihan ko siya, his usual line would be "Ikaw lang ba may karapatang magkasakit?"

We also stopped getting intimate in bed, and in my end, nawalan na ako ng gana sa kanya. Siya naman ay addicted sa mobile games niya.

To sum it up, we separated but it didn't end there. He would make a Facebook account para lang murahin ako. Kapag binlock ko siya, he would make another one.

A year passed, and medyo nabawasan naman na ang kakulitan niya so I'm thankful.

Being a working solo parent, nahirapan ako to care for my child so minsan nasa akin siya sa Metro Manila, at minsan nasa lola niya sa province.

But recently, my child was diagnosed with Global Developmental Delay with Autism. It's too painful for me as a mother, because the reason for his condition was because I failed to expose him to stimuli that will help him develop. Aside from the financial burden of the therapies he needs to undergo, I am afraid that his condition will not improve.

READ ALSO: ‘My Son Maybe Different, But It’s Never A Disability’: Mom Shares Her Son's Autism Journey

I have a lot of questions in my mind. Would his classmates bully him in the future? Can he graduate in college? Would he find a girlfriend? I find myself being overreacting sometimes, but I think it's valid because I am a mother.

I wrote this to clear the thoughts in my head because I can't share all of these things with my family. I don't know why, but when I try to tell them about this, their response does not help improve how I feel. It's usually the other way around.

Outside, I look happy and normal because that is what people around me like to see.

But inside, I am not emotionally and mentally stable.

READ ALSO: Let This Be Your Daily Reminder When You Feel You're About to Lose It

A lot of things is running in my mind that sometimes I don't even know if I'm still okay. There are voices in inside my head, and I've been also imagining sinister thoughts. So far, I can shove them off naman, but sometimes it is too persistent.

Edited for spelling, punctuation, grammar, and formatting.

Mayroon ka bang sarili mong #SPConfessions na nais ibahagi sa amin? Ipadala lang kay Sara Palma sa Smart Parenting Village o hindi kaya ay i-email sa amin sa smartparentingsubmissions@gmail.com.