Charity, generosity—most parents have been drilling these values into their kid’s heads and hearts since day one. You encourage them to share but sometimes, the ones with whom they share don’t seem to hold up their end of the bargain. “I bought almost 20 pencils—no exaggerating—in just one school year, because my son would always come home with an empty pencil box,” says Maritess Miranda-Enriquez, mom to Miguel Ryan, 12. “It’s because a classmate didn’t return his pencil.”
“Sharing is good, but [it must have] limitations,” says Michele S. Alignay, M.A., R.G.C., associate counselor and parenting-relationship consultant at the Love Institute. Resources are limited—and so are situations where sharing is a good thing. “It’s not about choosing with whom to share but choosing the circumstances when one should share,” stresses Alignay, herself a mom of two.
“Help your child set boundaries and say no,” says Pilar Tolentino, executive director of the Center
for Family Ministries (CEFAM). “Make him understand that saying no doesn’t mean he’s being madamot or unhelpful,” Tolentino, also a mother to two girls, continues. “Some children are uncomfortable with saying no, because they think they might hurt others’ feelings. We should be able to teach our children other ways to help. Sharing is just one way.”
Another way is to teach other kids to be self-reliant, according to Alignay, or to teach them ‘how to fish.’ “Kids must also learn how to share within certain parameters: First, the person you want to share with really doesn’t have anything. Second, you really want to share with him. If he expects you to share with him just because, that’s no longer sharing.”
What it is is abuse bordering on bullying, one of a parent’s worst fears. Tolentino says, “A child who’s being bullied needs someone who has authority to help him, like a teacher, because he can’t deal with the bully on his own.” But before having the talk with your child’s homeroom adviser, get the facts straight. “Pause and relax first,” Tolentino advises. “Ask your child about her reason for sharing. Understand where she’s coming from, because your intervention should depend on her reason.”
“It’s not about choosing with whom to share but choosing the circumstances when one should share.”
[previous|page|next]
Here are some common sharing problems your kid might find himself in, plus practical solutions:
Sharing situation #1:
“My son keeps asking me for a fresh pad of paper almost weekly. It turns out that several of his classmates ask him for a few sheets daily. No wonder he runs out!”
The fix:
The next time your kid finds himself in a paper jam (and he will, all the way to college), ask him why he freely gives sheets of paper away, Tolentino advises. “If he answers, ‘I have a lot of paper anyway,’ limit the number of sheets he brings to school so that he’ll be forced to budget what he has,” she says. If he answers, “They will get angry with me and say I’m selfish,” allay his fears by saying that he’s actually prompting them to be responsible and self-reliant when he says no to them—firmly. “We have to teach our children to [stand their ground], regardless of what other people say, when they know they are doing the right thing,” Tolentino says. “It’s a teaching moment [you must grab now], because your child will eventually experience peer pressure in his teens.”
If your kid is generous to a fault, make him buy a pad with his own money, advises Alignay, to make him realize some important facts of life: Resources are finite and money doesn’t grow on trees. To the moochers, Alignay suggests retorting, “You’re not part of my parents’ budget. I’ll share with you when I see you’re putting effort and you really need paper.” That should free your kid from the freeloaders.
Sharing situation #2:
“At the end of a school day, my daughter comes home with an empty lunchbox, but that’s because she shares her baon with her friend, who gets the lion’s share.”
The fix:
“Ask her why she wants to share,” Alignay says. “If she’s really the generous type, give her a portion just for sharing with her pal.”
“What’s your concern in this case?” Tolentino asks the parents. If you’re worried that your child may go hungry in school, give her extra after determining how much food she really needs. If you fear she’s being bullied, “Be careful not to give your child the impression na sa kanya lang dapat ang baon niya,” Tolentino warns. Being a scrooge isn’t cool.
The next time you prepare her baon, ask your daughter to help you out and discuss it with her. Tolentino suggests asking your child, “Why do you share your baon with your classmate?” If she answers, “She doesn’t have enough food,” or “She doesn’t like her own baon,” then ask her to encourage her friend to talk to her own mom, Tolentino says.
Sharing situation #3:
“I pick up my son daily from school. Once, he saw his classmate and his mom on the street, so we offered them a ride. Since then, they’ve been expecting a free ride from us every day.”
The fix:
“Ask the mom, ‘Would you like to carpool?’” Alignay suggests. Carpooling lets both parties—not just her and your son’s classmate—save time and money. Another perk is it allows the kids to build friendship and camaraderie, according to Tolentino.
If you decide to just let them hitch a ride with you, set some road rules and enforce these firmly. Tolentino and Alignay give some suggestions: Be at the pickup point on time—no waiting. Eating, engaging in horseplay, and distracting the driver are not allowed inside the car. Drop-off locations must be along (and not out of) the way.
[previous|page|next]
Sharing situation #4:
“My kid has a classmate who likes to ‘make palibre.’ My son ends up spending his allowance on this freeloading ‘friend.’”
The fix:
“You may be giving him more money than he needs,” Tolentino says. “Find out how much exactly he needs, and then set his allowance at that amount so he’s able to budget his money and spend first on his own needs.”
Meanwhile, Alignay suggests telling your child, “You can ‘make palibre’ but not all the time—only if there’s something to celebrate, if you have enough money to cover both of you, and if you are also saving your own money.”
Grab this chance to nurture your child’s money smarts. Tolentino suggests saying “If you save P20 a day, we can put it in a bank account, and then at the end of the month or quarter, you can buy a toy.” She explains, “This way, he knows na ’yung perang ginagastos niya sa kaklase niya ay may iba pang mapupuntahan.”
And ‘making palibre’ could also mean pangingikil or extortion. “That’s bordering on bullying,” Alignay says. She suggests making your child bring food instead of lunch money on some days. Talk to their adviser as well after, of course, some thorough fact-finding.
Sharing situation #5:
“My daughter brought a storybook to school and a pal borrowed it. It was never returned.”
The fix:
Make your child understand the consequence of disobeying the “no storybooks in school” rule. Tolentino notes that some children may value the friendship more than they do the item that was lost. In this case, Tolentino advises that you ask your child a hypothetical question concerning an item of great value, whether sentimental or monetary. Would she lend it to her careless friend? “If she says yes again, then you must intervene. She’s willing to give up something very precious to her without even thinking hard about it first,” Tolentino explains.
If your child is into bestowing her books upon her friends, Alignay suggests saying to her, “If you want to give away a book to somebody, give it to a good friend on a special day, like her birthday or Christmas.” If her friend wants to borrow a book, don’t let her bring it home, advise both experts. Your child should also supervise her friend to make sure she will get her book back. She can even make library cards to keep track.
Sharing situation #6:
“My daughter is top of her class, so her classmates ask her for some homework help when they’ve missed class. One of them, though, calls every day!”
The fix:
Point out to your child the effect of being her classmate’s tutor: less time for doing her own homework—or for playing. “Teach your child how to set boundaries without being selfish,” Tolentino says. “The rules have to come from your child. She knows what’s good for herself, what she’s comfortable with. At the same time, she won’t feel that something is being imposed on her, so she becomes even more responsible. Emphasize that setting parameters is helping her classmate in another way.”
Alignay suggests one rule: “It’s okay to teach your classmate, but only inside the classroom and during your free time.” Explain to her also that her time and energy are also limited resources, Alignay adds. Your Little Miss Overly-generous needs to learn how to set her priorities straight, too.
Share Scares
Smart Parenting Facebook fans share tales of woe.
“Every time my daughter has a new toy or some finger food, our neighbors’ kids would borrow her toy or ask for food. But after playing with her toy or when there’s no more food, they just leave her and not let her play with them—and this makes her cry.” — Babette Fabila, mom of two
“My daughter used to bring her entire box of crayons to school. One day when I checked her things, the box wasn’t in her bag. Then her teacher returned only the box, without even a single crayon inside. I found out that most of her classmates would just grab crayons from her box and never return them to my daughter. But she wouldn’t complain and would ask me to buy her new crayons instead. From then on, before we leave the school, I always check her crayons and her other things, which now have labels.” — She Macahilig, photographer and layout artist; mom to Maxine, 6
“My son once shared his baon with his seatmate because he pitied him, but the seatmate started asking for my son’s food ’pag nagustuhan niya. If my son says no, inaaway siya. His seatmate even took his money! So, I asked their teacher to transfer my son to another seat. Hindi naman masama magbigay, kaya lang may mga tao na abusado.” — Ria Vanesa Sarmiento, mom to Kyleen, 10, Marco, 8, and Cullen, 2
“My daughter loves sharing her food with her classmates. Last school year, whenever I’d ask her who ate her food, she would always give the same name. By dismissal time, she would get really hungry, so I told her she could share just a part of her baon, not all of it. She’s improving; now, she shares only a portion of her food.” — Denise Redrico-Rayala, blogger; mom to Sophia Monique, 5
“My daughter’s classmate borrowed her crayons and then returned them—but they were already broken. She got so sad because she takes really good care of her things, especially her crayons. She’s a bit OC with her stuff, pero ’pag hindi naman siya nagpapahiram, sinasabihan siya, ‘Ang damot mo naman!’” — Marissa T. Cadiz, mom to Yzabel Therese, 10
Image from mom2bbreviews.com
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod
