Ranting, Spying, Keeping Secrets: Experts Advise Parents To Stop Asking Their Child To Do These For Them

As parents, we might feel closest to our child considering that we spend most of our time with them. They’re almost attached to our hips as babies, cuddled next to us as toddlers, and become our movie and mall dates as they grow up. While maintaining a close bond with our kids is definitely a positive, there are still some things that we should not tell them or ask them to do, especially when it involves our husbands/wives/partners or their other parents.

Big Life Journal, an Instagram account dedicated to helping parents raise confident, happy, and resilient kids, tackled this topic in one of their posts. Their post reminds parents that, “Your child is not your therapist, or your spy, or your co-parent. They’re just not. And it’s not their job to step into these roles.” The caption also emphasizes that the same applies to adult children. Why? Because doing such can affect your child’s mental and emotional health. Doing some of things can also inadvertently put your child between you and your partner/husband/wife/other parent. Without meaning to, you’re asking your child to choose between you and his other parent, which can then undermine their relationship.

Here are some examples of things you should stop doing or asking your child to do:

Ranting to your child about your husband/partner

“I’m feeling so overwhelmed…and I feel like your Dad is not helping me at all.”

Or: “Na-o-overwhelm ako, at parang hindi naman ako tinutulungan ng Daddy mo.”

Bianca Grace, a therapist and emotional growth expert who shares parenting insights on TikTok tackles this in one of her videos, she explained, “Telling your kids negative things about the other parent puts stress on them to console you and be on your side and makes them feel insignificant.” It can also make kids blame themselves for their parent’s unhappiness. No matter how close we might feel to our child, and no matter if said child is already in an age where he can understand how couples and marriages work, you should still refrain from unloading your gripes about your partner to him. Such conversations are better done with your other mom friends.

Asking your child to spy on your husband/partner

“Go listen to who your Mom is talking to on the phone.”

Or: “Narinig mo ba si Mama sa cellphone kanina? Sinong kausap niya? Anong sabi?”

Asking your child to spy on or report your partner’s activities to you is putting him in the middle of your conflict or possible conflict. This can place your kids at higher risk for mental health issues, and behavioral, social, and academic problems. And it can also affect your child’s relationship with his other parent. Don’t knowingly involve or use your child in any activity that might expose the other parent in a bad light.

Asking your child to keep your secrets

“Don’t tell your mom about this.”

Or: “Huwag mo ito sasabihin sa nanay mo.”

As parents, it’s our job to protect our children. And if we ask them to keep our secrets from our husbands/wives/partners, we’re inadvertently asking them to protect us. This can be a stressful burden for them, which they can then unintentionally internalize. At the same time, if the other partner finds out about the said secret, your child might blame himself for the repercussions, which is also unfair for him. We have also established before that safe adults don’t ask kids to keep their secrets for them. So asking your kids to do it for you now might confuse them.

And in connection to this…

Asking your child to be your co-lier

“Open the door and tell them I’m not home”

Or: “Kung si ano ang tumawag, sabihin mo wala ako sa bahay.”

Asking your child to lie for you might create bad habits and undermine any values related to honesty that you want to teach them. If you regularly ask your child to do this, how can you expect him to not lie to you in the future?

Asking your child to be your messenger

“Tell your Dad he has to go home early to help you in your activity.”

Or: “Sabihin mo sa Daddy mo na umuwi siyang maaga para tulungan ka sa activity mo.”

When you ask your child to carry or convey messages for you, you are asking him to deal with the other parent’s reaction when they deliver it. Even if the message might seem innocent enough, we can’t always predict how the other parent/adults will take it, so we’re putting our child at high risk to deal with annoyance or even severe frustration--something that might be stressful for them.

Expecting your child to regulate your emotions

“You’re making me feel angry right now. You need to listen to me.”

Or: “Ginagalit mo ako. Kailangan mong makinig sa akin.”

Parents are older than their kids obviously, and as such, should know how to handle their own emotions better than their child, no matter how grown up or mature their child might already be. And if parents don’t realize that they’re doing this to their kids, then they should work on handling their own emotions better and not expect their child to stop being a child just because they’re upset or angry.

Asking your child to be a co-parent

“You need to take care of your brother. Pick him up from class and help him with his assignments.”

Or: “Kailangan mo alagaan ang kapatid mo. Sunduin mo siya from school and turuan mo siya sa assignments niya.”

It’s okay to ask older siblings to occasionally help out or play with their younger siblings, but they should not be stand-ins or replacements for another parent. It’s okay to teach older siblings to be responsible, but we also shouldn’t ask them to take on more than what is appropriate for their age or expect them to take on most of our parenting responsibilities for their younger siblings. We shouldn’t forget that our older kids are still kids, and as such, cannot be expected to fulfill adult responsibilities. Plus, they have responsibilities in their own lives too, whether in school or their social lives, so it would be unfair to burden them with their siblings as well.

We might not realize that we are doing one or a few of these to our kids, but the good thing is, it’s not too late to change. We can be more conscious of the things we are asking our child to do so that we can raise them to be happy, healthy, and emotionally sound adults.