Fostering Independence in Your Preschooler

How often do you see a young child out in a restaurant, about six years old being spoon fed by his mother or yaya? A correct observation would be to say “quite a lot”, but the sad truth is, it’s happening with greater frequency in this day and age than when we were children ourselves.

This doesn’t just encompass eating habits, but bathroom behavior, homework practices and even age-appropriate responsibilities at home. This can be traced to the actual statistic that more women in the country hold regular jobs, thus veering them away from the more traditional responsibilities and delegating them to caregivers.

Conversely, more fathers have adapted the nurturing role, and some even are proud stay-at-home dads, and with the new philosophies of hands-on parenting, many concepts of proper care may possibly be taken too far; and although the intentions of some parents may stem from love, the consequences could be undesirable which can leave one to ask him or herself in frustration, “Why can’t my daughter do this without me? Where did I go wrong?”.

Similarly, we can point a finger at our culture, albeit Westernized, we still retain many a colonial virtue, such as allowing children less freedom because we are afraid in many ways for them to make mistakes.  

Whatever the roots of this behavior pattern are, let us assure ourselves that they are in no way negative, as concern for our children is always a noble virtue. Let’s step away from over-analysis and begin realizing that we can raise self-reliant children that will grow up into confident adults. This may be difficult initially, as you will learn to balance more freedom with responsibility, and wean off from common habits.  Whether you are a parent “backing-up” and starting anew with your big kid, or just beginning on that stage, here are some pointers that may be of help:


Nurturing and Praise
Gradually allow your child to do more of everything on his own, paying specific attention to safety. Small things like making his or her own bed, taking food from the family table to his or her plate, selecting appropriate clothing and dressing into them properly are some ideas to start with. These vary from family to family but the core concept is letting your child participate in his own life more. You may make this a confidence booster for your big kid with bestowing enough praise and encouragement.

Click here to read more about decision making and reward system for your preschooler.

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Read more about decision making and reward system for your preschooler.

Decision Making
First off, you may offer your child acceptable choices too boost his or her self esteem, because either decision made will be naturally “correct”. Things such as “Would you like to use the bathroom right before we leave for the trip or can you wait until the first stop over?” would be easy on a child and would avoid criticism which at this point could render a negative effect on one’s ego.

Later on, as he or she grasps ideas and concepts with much more ease, you may start presenting more complex ideologies, like letting your child decide when to use the bathroom before that trip. If in the middle of the highway he or she decides “to go”, she will realize the consequences of not using the toilet on time, as well as the impact it will have on the family trip.

Do not react with negativity. Just explain that they should have made a better decision and that this applies to many other things. Learning from their own mistakes with care and proper explanation is the only way for a child to progress toward independence.


Reward System?
In my own experience, I do not offer my two-year-old son candy or a treat after he goes for a regular vaccine. I’m starting early on the concept of avoiding excessive and unnecessary rewards. It may sound a little cruel but here’s a thought. We should offer rewards for things accomplished beyond what is expected. Like if your six year old was praised in school for helping a new student carry his bags and being particularly helpful. But you shouldn’t offer a reward for brushing teeth on time. These things are normal for his or her age.

Teach your child to feel good about him or herself because of the proper things accomplished. With my son? We play at home after doctor’s visits, and watch his favorite shows. My time with him, as well as telling him that because of the injection he will be able to be healthy and be able to “play more” instills the value of positive emotion and self worth this early.

Apart from these, always be ready to listen to your child and allow him or her to reason properly and respectfully. Communication, in all aspects of parenting is of great essence. And if you should ask when the best time to start would be? Now.

Photography by Jake Versoza