How to Deal with a Bossy Classmate

Each child’s personality is unique. Now imagine putting together 20 or so little kids with different backgrounds and upbringing in a classroom … and you’re sure to end up with more fireworks than New Year’s Eve.

One of the common reasons why kids fight is when one tries to order another around. If your child comes to you and says that her classmate is bossing her around, here’s what you should do:  

Get the facts first
Ask your child to relay to you why she feels this way. Ask her to be specific, without putting wordas into her mouth. Some children are made to pick up a classmate’s things, buy him food or copy notes for him. Hold your comments while your child speaks, as this would encourage openness and trust. Clarify if needed and validate the details of the story, but never jump into conclusions or give judgment immediately.

Ask how she feels
Ask your child how she feels about the incident. This would help you assess how affected you child is.  If she cannot name her feelings, be of help by supplying words like “Are you mad, irritated, annoyed about it?”  This would help her develop insight, self-awareness and ability to handle these kinds of situations.

Speak with the teacher or the counselor
The teacher or the counselor is the best authority in school to handle this kind of situation, since she would be aware of the daily occurrences in the classroom and would know the students under her class. Schedule an appointment or correspond by a written letter with her. In your communication, ask the teacher how the other child can be helped while limiting your judgment towards him. Note, too, that it’s not a good idea to deal directly with the other child, as this may create more problems later. This matter should be handled by the school authorities. You as a parent can work with the counselor and teacher in developing interventions to help your child both in school and at home.  

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Assess your child’s personality
Each child has innate temperaments uniquely her own. Her personality makeup is affected by the upbringing, family system and the environment in which she is raised. Assess if your child is the reserved or the sociable, the follower or the leader. This would help you identify the areas where she needs help. In my work as a counselor, I have encountered many parents saying that their child is confident and a leader at home, yet they are observed to be withdrawn when in school. Be open and objective when receiving feedback from the teacher or counselor. Assess how you are as a parent, as this would impact significantly in your child’s developing personality as well.      

Coach your child
If your child is the docile type or may tend to just follow, it is your role as a parent to encourage her to speak and gain confidence in dealing with other people.  Here are some ways that you can help your child:
1. Let her speak for herself. In daily happenings at home, let your child ask for what she wants, instead of just giving it to her automatically. Allow her to decide for herself, but structure the choices you give her. This would train her to speak out, ask for what she wants and say “no” when needed. This exercise will also build her self-confidence, as listening to her tells her that she matters.
2. Ask about her insights, opinions and feelings when you ask her to do a task or when her siblings request something from her. This would create an opportunity to develop her ability to speak and reason out. Likewise, you can evaluate her disposition and instruct her if needed if you ask her situational questions, like, “What would you do if a classmate asks you to copy his notes for him?”  
3. Prompt your child when in social situations or out of the home. Even if she refuses at first, affirm your child by taking note of her little accomplishments, like asking for extra tissue from the waiter, asking for directions to the men’s room, or saying “no” if she does not like the kind of play by other kids, etc. This would help your child gain confidence and be comfortable in dealing with different people.

Empower your child
One of the best insights I gained from a notable psychologist is, “Never do for a child what the child can do for himself!” We will not be there all the time to do things for our children and to stand up to anyone who would offend them. Bossy classmates would eventually become bossy peers and bossy work mates. We are not in control of how others are, but it is in our hands to tap our child’s inner resource and capability to stand up for herself and handle matters appropriately and maturely. Thus, developing the child’s confidence, self-esteem and assertiveness is what parents can do to prepare their child to deal with all kinds of people on their own.  

Photo from sxc.hu