How to Handle Preschool Anxieties

Do you remember your first day at school?  Did you ever think of the many things you would have to get used to on that first day?  Think of your preschooler and the equally numerous details she has to come to terms with:  new teacher, big room - think that you are on your knees looking up at a big space - crying children, some of whom are clinging to their moms and dads.  And then there’s the daunting strange room called the “toilet” or “washroom.”  

Your preschooler will be faced with many unfamiliar things and the questions in her mind will be endless.  “Where is the potty room?”  “What is my teacher’s name?”  “When will my mommy come back?”  “When will I eat?”  “Why is this child next to me crying?”  And many, many more.

So how do you appease your child and help make her first few days in school less intimidating? A few simple strategies may help:

1. Walk with her to the classroom. Schools usually allow this on the first two weeks of the schoolyear. Children need concrete experiences to make sense of their world, and a quick visit will make the concept of “school” more tangible.  You can talk to her about the color of the building, the drawings on the classroom door, the many books on the shelves.  And, as a fun activity that will take her mind off her fears, together you can count the number of steps from the school gate to her classroom door.  

Petty as it may seem to us adults, the short (or long) trip to the washroom commonly called “potty” or “washroom” may be a challenging experience for a preschooler.   She may wonder if she will be allowed to go to the bathroom, or if she will have to do it alone.  Sometimes she will “hold it in” just because she does not want to say anything to a new person.    

A quick trip to the washroom may help solve all her queries.  Along with the teacher, walk with her to the washroom from the classroom.  Show her where the cubicles and sinks are.  Reassure her that she can ask for help from any adult in school.  

Similarly, making the ride from your house to the school fun  lessens the fear of uncertainty.  You can also point out pertinent landmarks or familiar buildings you pass by on the way to the school: “the gas station,”  “the McDonald’s restaurant,” “the three stoplights…” You are not only calming her nerves, you are also giving her a lesson in space orientation or location.

2. Talk, talk, talk.  Non-verbal children need to hear a lot of words to “fill their vocabulary banks.” Talk about what you’ve seen together, ask about the other children in her class, the toys and new books. And, when speaking to the children, keep in mind that the tone of your voice is very important.  Sounding too excited may unnecessarily get your child nervous.  “Tomorrow we will both drive to school.”  Using a “matter-of fact” tone tells the child that going to preschool is non-negotiable.

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3. Look and listen.  Verbal children may voice out their fears by saying, “I don’t want to go to school,” or ask, “Do I have to go to school?”  Those kids who have yet to express themselves verbally may show their fears by throwing a tantrum the night before, having urinary “accidents” when she is already toilet-trained, or showing aggressive behavior like throwing toys or refusing to pack up when she normally does on ordinary days.  

Behavioral changes normally signal that a child is having difficulty adjusting to change.  When parents spot these changes immediately, addressing the underlying fear of going to preschool for the first time can be handled a lot easier.

4. Acknowledge feelings—hers and yours. Separation anxiety happens to both the child and the parent(s).  Seeing your child cry on the first few days (even everyday for two months!) is probably as painful as giving birth to her!  Sadly, this is almost a ritual for all parents, sort of a “right of passage,” and the only thing to do is to acknowledge this feeling, to yourself, and/or to your spouse.  Once you’ve done this, it will be easier for you to acknowledge your child’s fears.

By putting labels onto her fears and feelings, you are helping your child move forward.  Encourage her to look at the “positive” side of the experience. “It’s a little bit scary to go to school, isn’t it?  But there are also exciting things you can do there.  What do you think you’ll be doing in school?”  

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5. On the actual day, leave calmly and confidently.  Easier said than done, but this is crucial!  After settling her into the classroom, and putting her bags in their assigned place, tell your child that you will stay at a designated spot in the room from where you would watch.  Let her know that after a particular activity, you will give her a hug and a kiss and walk out.  “I will be back after you sing good-bye.”  She may protest, start to whine, and cling to you, but stay firm.  After several days,  hard as it is for you, she will get used to that routine (children thrive on consistency,  which is why they like watching movies over and over!).

The worst thing any parent can do is to “escape” when the child is not looking!  This parental behavior will teach the child that you are not to be trusted when she turns his back, and therefore she will cling to you even more.   Or, as veteran teachers often say, long goodbyes make for even more tearful ones.

Giving her advanced warning and letting her know what to expect from you will make her trust you and trust her environment.  When you foresee a meltdown coming, ask for the teacher’s help (another pair of arms to carry your child is a great relief!).  Request that she let you know how your child has calmed down later on.  

6. Have closure.   Keep your promise of picking her up once goodbye time or story time is over.  Be there when the teacher opens the door at dismissal time.  When your child is in your arms, ask about her day, using concrete words instead of the usual “What did you so in school today?”

Be more specific: “Who sat beside you today?”  “What toy did you play with?”  “ What was your favorite song?”  “Did you play with paint or crayons?”  Focusing on specific activities helps her recall the sequence of events in school and positive events that have happened.  

Being scared of the unknown is normal, especially for children.  After all, they just entered this world very recently and there are just so many things to learn. As parents, our job is to make their learning experience as less jarring to their senses as possible.  The best way to do this is to prepare our kids and open the channels of communication with them.  They are physically small but their feelings are big and fragile.  We need to keep our promises so they learn to trust us and the world around them.

Aina Lacson earned her Master of Arts degree in Early Childhood Education from the Boston College School of Education in Massachusetts, USA, and taught preschool in Spain, the USA and the Philippines.

Photo from sxc.hu