Rafael was only 3 years old when Nette Damaso decided it was time for him to go to school. “I was never comfortable leaving my baby with the yaya; I wanted to take care of my 2 sons on my own,” Damaso recalls. “From that tension-filled first day of school, I was with my eldest son Rafael and never got myself to leave. I felt he was too young and I feared he might not be able to cope with the new environment, the new people, and the school rules.”
Damaso adds, “I wanted to see if he was getting along with the other kids, or to check if he was giving his teachers a hard time. I wanted to make sure he was happy and safe in school. I also found myself looking for more reasons to stay with him in school.”
But Rafael proved to be a “social” bug, hopping from one classmate to another. Even other parents grew fond of him. He was having so much fun in school!
Joji Chupungco-Santos decided to retire from work early to take full care of her 4 kids. By that time, her children were in diverse developmental stages: Janina was 14, RJ was 12, Pao was 9, and Acal was 4. Every morning, Santos drives her kids to school and waits. Her “waiting time” starts at 7:45 am and ends at around 4:00 pm, seeing through the 3 staggered dismissal times of her 4 kids.
Santos’s days are usually spent in the school canteen with other parents (and grandparents) who are also waiting for their kids. They organize study sessions on paper quilting, crocheting, and cross-stitching. They volunteer to help the school’s student committee, and occasionally, they sideline as the official drivers and chaperones during field trips.
Supporting Your Preschoolers
Professor Jennifer B. Tordecilla of the Department of Family Life and Child Development at the University of the Philippines delves on the many reasons behind the apparent anxiety of some parents: “As kids enter school, they are faced with a new environment, new classmates, and new teachers. Their adjustment during their first few weeks in school would be smoother if their parents were there to help out during this transition period.”
Professor Isabel Saplala, family life and child development specialist at Miriam College, believes: “Parents with very young children who are still learning the ropes of how to go about school independently prefer to stay in school. Younger children still delight in having their parents wait for them until class is over. Most of these very young children, too, may not have older siblings to take on the responsibility of taking care of them after school.”
Click here to read on about parent volunteers and when they should let go of their children.
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Read on about parent volunteers and when they should let go of their children.
Keeping Tabs
“We welcome parent volunteers in our school. It is a great way for parents to show their children that they care about [their children’s education]. Parents are welcome to see how the teacher runs the classroom and how their children interact with others,” says Mical Rubio, program coordinator and teacher for more than 20 years. She stresses that a child’s academic success is not the sole effort of the school, but a joint effort between the school, parents, and community.
“So long as parents don’t go overboard by telling the teacher what to do, or worse, [getting] in the middle of a conflict situation involving their kids,” says Rubio. She recalls there have been only a few times that this has happened “and the kids were the ones who suffered most.” Only when it reaches that point does stay-in-school parenting become detrimental to the kids, the school, and the parents themselves.
“I wouldn’t say that moms who choose to wait for their young kids are ‘over-anxious’ as compared to those who don’t. It’s a matter of choice. There is really no need to stay, though. The kids are inside the classroom and under the care of teachers [and teacher-aides]. Some moms choose to stay only because it’s more convenient and ‘energy-saving.’ Ayaw na nilang bumalik pa kasi aksaya sa gasoline.”
When to Let Go and Why
“We need to be aware, though, that as [children] reach middle school or grade school,” Professor Saplala warns, “they would yearn to assert their independence, and get embarrassed when assisted too closely by their parents.”
Professor Tordecilla adds: “It is ideal that you gradually let go of your children when you are already confident that they have built a trusting relationship with their teachers and formed friendships with their classmates, as well as gained control of their environment. This helps in developing autonomy or independence in your children.
“Furthermore, the time your child is in school may be considered as your time off to do things for yourself, such as taking a well-deserved rest, visiting the parlor or mall, meeting up with your friends, going to the gym, developing your hobbies, or enrolling in classes [that interest you]. This may also be the time used in running some errands for your home, such as doing grocery, paying bills, etc.”
Click here to read on about when to let go and why, as well as the rewards of being a stay-in-school parent.
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Read on about when to let go and why, as well as the rewards of being a stay-in-school parent.
Professor Saplala ends with: “How stay-in-school moms spend their time, look at their role as a parent, and view themselves as women apart from their roles as mother and wife, are important considerations. Whether waiting all day for her child is a healthy practice, an option, or an opportunity, one strong image seems to be the most evident: the look of anticipation changes into big happy smiles when very young children and their waiting mothers finally meet come dismissal time. What the ‘staying and waiting’ means to the child weighs more than anything in the world.”
Rewards
Security. “Bringing your children to school and staying with them adds to their feeling of security, knowing that there is somebody near whom they can run to if they feel threatened or overwhelmed by the new environment,” says Jennifer B. Tordecilla, a professor at the Department of Family Life and Child Development, University of the Philippines. “This security allows them to explore their environment more.” Indeed, opting to wait in school allows parents to immediately address the needs of their children.
Instant communication. Stay-in-school parents are readily present to discuss any concerns their children may have. They cultivate open communication with their children, who in turn won’t feel hesitant to tell their mom or dad anything. According to Myrna B. Shure, Ph.D., author of Thinking Parent, Thinking Child: How to Turn Your Most Challenging Everyday Problems Into Solutions, “When you talk to your child about things that are important to your child at this moment, he’ll want to talk to you about things that are important to him in the future.”
Sound principles are intact. With direct communication and constant presence, stay-in-school parents can remind their kids of appropriate behavior and receive immediate feedback. “You’ve got the ultimate weapon at your disposal: the power of the parent-child bond,” writes Ann Douglas in The Mother of All Parenting Books: The Ultimate Guide to Raising a Happy, Healthy Child from Preschool Through Preteens. “This bond can serve as an anchor that will give your child the courage to say no to whatever temptations may come her way. When children feel a strong emotional bond with their parents, they are less likely to stray from the moral path.”
Joji Chupungco-Santos, mother of 4, relates, “I am able to support my kids in all their undertakings because I am ‘just around.’ They can easily join activities which can enhance their talents and personalities—anywhere, anytime—and I can be there to see them through. I know the kids they hang out with. This is important for me so I am assured that they don’t go astray.”
Click here to learn more rewards and drawbacks of being a stay-in-school parent.
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Read on to learn more rewards and drawbacks of being a stay-in-school parent.
Superb academic performance. Staying in school also allows parents to see their children’s academic performance on a regular basis. It becomes convenient to follow up on lessons and schoolwork with the child and the teacher.
Program coordinator and grade school teacher Mical Rubio adds, “When parents are actively involved and highly visible, the schools [and teachers] improve as well. It does not benefit the student alone, but everyone who works with the child.”
Drawbacks
Loss of focus. It is particularly difficult for preschoolers to concentrate in class if mommy or daddy keeps checking in every 5 minutes. Parents should provide some “breathing space” for their child, as well as for the teachers and the whole class. After all, there is no sign that says “drop in and stay anytime you want” anywhere in any school. The child needs space; mommy and daddy need to relax.
Lack of trust. Children who become over-attached to their parents may find it difficult to trust other significant adults like their teachers. A teacher won’t be able to do his or her job effectively if the child can’t pay attention or won’t listen to the lesson.
Delayed adjustment. A parent that stays in school all day may lead his or her child to also lose trust in the new environment (the school). Any doubt an over-anxious parent may have can be transferred to the child. In turn, the child wavers at whether to stay with mom or dad, or join teacher and classmates in classroom activities.
Parent-child tension may intensify. Some parents may tend to obsess over their children’s schoolwork and performance, to the point that they become utterly disappointed when their children don’t meet expectations. Following up on schoolwork with their kids after waiting patiently for them may get very frustrating for parents. Children in return reject study time with their parents and prefer to ask others for help.
Limited awareness. Moms may get caught up with the role of rearing their children and forget about other things that go on around them. They miss current events, the latest bestseller, or may even cease to explore the arts, which they could be sharing with their children. If moms become less informed, kids will likewise miss out on these things.
Click here to read on to learn more about the stay-in-school benefits for parents.
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Read on about the stay-in-school benefits for parents.
Stay-in-school Benefits FOR PARENTS
According to family life and child development specialist Isabel Saplala
Fulfillment. There is great delight in directly witnessing your child’s milestones and growth unfold before your eyes. This includes being the first to hear your child’s stories about school and what he or she has learned. Both you and your child gain plus points in your self-esteem scoreboards—for what your child has accomplished, and for being there to support your child. And because of their availability, stay-in-school parents are often tapped as resources by teachers, being asked to assist in field trips and storytelling.
Closer view of your child and your role as mother. For Damaso, the 3 hours she spent every day “just outside” her son’s classroom were as important as attending a business meeting or finishing a report. “I learned more about my son, gained a deeper understanding of his personality, and knew better about his needs,” she attests. Moreover, those countless hours “hanging around” with other parents in the school’s waiting area gave Damaso a bigger perspective on parenting. She discovered how similar their stories were, as well as what set them apart.
Lasting friendships. Even parents, moms especially, need to have positive self-worth before they can foster their child’s own healthy self-esteem. Having a support group that shares the same interests or issues and that seems to understand what you are going through is important to stay-in-school parents. Not only do they make friends and form a support group with other stay-in-school parents, the friendship extends among their children, too. Some celebrate their kids’ birthdays together and even get together after school.
Their close network in school can also pave the way for other endeavors outside the school. There were groups of “waiting moms” who, after sharing their interests in fitness and cooking, got the support of their husbands in putting up a gym and a restaurant.
Photography by Jun Pinzon
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