‘Good Job!’: How Proper Encouragement Raises Kids' Confidence

There used to be a popular saying that went something like this: "Children should be seen and not heard." However, we "modern" parents know that this doesn't apply so much to the kids of today. Instead of forbidding our children to speak their mind, we encourage them to be vocal, "use their words" and express their feelings.

In the same vein, we parents are also usually more expressive of our thoughts and emotions with our children. We do our best to communicate with them as effectively as possible, and try to be vocal with them too.

Some of the things we try to be vocal about are our kids' efforts or achievements. In other words, we praise our kids when needed.

However, how do we know when our kids need to be praised or not?

Recognize efforts or achievements
Dr. Celine Germar, an adult and child psychiatrist affiliated with the University of the East-Ramon Magsaysay Medical Center, says that praising our children is considered a good thing when they express our sincere recognition of our children’s efforts or achievements. "Praising helps them develop an appreciation of their accomplishments and makes them motivated to take on new challenges," she explains.

Margaux A. Cruz, an engineer and mompreneur, and mom to Aidan, 4, and Tristan, 11 months, agrees that praise is good for children. "In our experience, our four-year-old son seems to gain more self-confidence whenever we praise his achievements, however little they may be," she shares. "Whenever he does something good all by himself, or if he did a good deed or helped us, we make it a point to praise him and tell him why we are praising him. I'm not sure if my 11-month-old baby already understands but we also applaud his efforts and achievements. He seems to like it because he claps his hands."  

Trisha H. Lim, another mompreneur, who is mom to Sasha, 5, Tasha, 3, and Shandy, 1, agrees with Margaux: "I think praising our kids is a good thing because it helps boost their self-confidence and lets them feel appreciated and loved!"  

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Michelle S. Llaban, a real estate agent and mom to Sev Philip, 5, Kaitlyn, 3, and Max, nine months, shares how praise is part of their nighttime ritual: "Every night, just before sleeping, I take time to talk to my children, especially Sev. I compliment him for all the good things he has done for the day like, 'Son, thank you for being so kind and so patient with your sister, and for being obedient to your daddy.' It affirms him and makes him more confident about himself. It also allows me to correct him lovingly for the things he didn't do well for the day."

Ruby Louise Quintal, entrepreneur, real estate broker and mom to 19-month-old Robyn, says she makes it a point to praise her daughter whenever she does something good, like when she helps her keep her toys, when she sings and dances or when she correctly names the pictures in her book. "It motivates her to do these good things again," Ruby adds.

Melissa Encarnacion, a treasury manager and mom to Varic, 8, and Anika, 5, says that while praising kids is good for them, it should be in the right context. "As a mom to two young kids, I believe that it is important that they get affirmation and praise for good behavior. As parents, we should be the first ones to do that for them. It helps build their confidence, allows them to know the consequences of doing good or bad and there is that assurance that we are always there to support them."

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Praise kids the 'right' way
Dr. Germar advises parents to be cautious when it comes to praising their children.

"Praising kids may 'damage' their well-being when it is too much and is focused on personal qualities rather than on their efforts or actions," she explains. "They may develop an inflated sense of who they are, believe they are better than others, and may become at risk of developing narcissistic personality disorder in adulthood."  

Nadia De Leon, a researcher and mom to Rio, 2, agrees with Dr. Germar. She and her husband have observed that Rio learns how to do a certain activity (e.g. eating on his own, brushing his teeth, etc.) more easily when they appreciate his efforts to learn the steps.

"On the other hand, praise must always be truthful and genuine," Nadia says. "Try to avoid praising kids just to please them. We also practice saying 'good job' more than 'good boy' to emphasize the process or the finished task."

"Praising encourages kids (and adults) to continue doing the behavior being praised. I see this in my kids, especially my eldest, Yanthy, who is four years old," says Teresa Gumap-as Dumadag, author and mompreneur, who has another son Mateo, 1.5 years old. "But we should be specific when we praise them, so that the kids would know what behavior we would like them to keep on doing."

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Martine De Luna, a copywriter and creative mom blogger, says she praises her three-year-old son Vito for specific actions, but she tries to avoid attaching an intangible quality to her words. "For instance, I don't say stuff like, 'Wow, you're so gwapo,' because he doesn't understand nor appreciate the context yet," she explains. "Instead, I'll praise and affirm him for good behavior (e.g. when he plays nicely with his younger cousin). Praising should be distinguished from mere flattery, which does kids no good (or adults, at that!)."

Dr. Germar says that another possible effect of disproportionate praise on children may be that parents set high expectations which the child may feel he or she cannot meet, leading to him or her getting easily frustrated when he or she makes mistakes, eventually discouraging him or her from trying new things. "Thus, overpraise may put a lot of pressure on children, resulting to discouragement and poor motivation," she emphasizes.

Krazelle Escarrilla, a nurse and mom to 19-month-old Yulia, agrees with Dr. Germar, and thinks encouragement should be given to kids instead of -- or along with -- praise. "If we always say empty praises like 'good job!' or 'you're so smart!' the kids (even adults) may constantly seek our approval to boost their confidence. The downside of this is that they may cease feeling good about themselves and start to doubt their capabilities if they don't get it," she explains.

Instead, Krazelle encourages her fellow parents to give words of encouragement so that "even though kids commit mistakes or misbehave, they know that they are accepted for who they are and would go on doing what they are passionate about."

Mai Danganan, a mompreneur, and mom to Asher, 5, and Ashley, 1, prefers encouragement over praise. "Praise is good but encouragement is better. By encouraging, we recognize their efforts and appreciate them for what they are and not what we expect them to be," she explains.

"Praise surely helps boost kids' self-esteem and confidence but we must remember to do it moderately and within the right context.," Mai says. "Constant praising may actually be damaging, making kids expect it every time or making them avoid trying new things for fear of failure and disappointment. If we're going to give praise, we must praise the effort not the result."

Sarah Gurbuxani-Carpio, a community manager and mom to Sophia Danielle, 8 months old, thinks praising kids in a timely manner is a good thing. "We as parents should encourage our children and be their first supporters as it will make them feel loved and build their self-worth," she shares.

"But if praising would mean giving them flattery all the time, I think that is doing more harm than good. There is a thin line between giving praise and veneration. Some parents tend to 'over-praise' their kids," Sarah adds, "and I believe that we should only give praise when it is due."

Janice Lim, freelance writer and mom to Zoe, 11, Ziya, 10, and Ziggy, 2, agrees. "Praising one's kids when they do something good is essential because it boosts their confidence and encourages them to continue doing good things," she shares. "I believe that our kids look to us, their parents, for approval all the time and praising is a way to give them that. Just don't overdo it by praising every single thing all the time."

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Tips on encouraging our kids
To end, Dr. Germar shares the following pointers for parents who aim to "properly" praise their kids:

1. Give specific compliments so that our children will learn what actions they are being recognized for.

2. Be sincere in our praise. Do not exaggerate. Make the praise appropriate to the deed.

3. Focus on the effort of our children, not on personal qualities. Put emphasis on their progress, not just on the outcome.

4. Give timely/immediate praise to validate our children’s sense of achievement.

 

Moms, tell us: how do you give encouragement to your kids? Leave a comment below.

 

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