10 Reasons Why Kids Don’t Listen

It is a given: Once you become a parent, you have the great responsibility of raising your child — something that can be quite trying or overwhelming for many, especially when it comes to the area of child discipline.

How many of you reading this article have heard yourselves say one or more of the following phrases to your kids (I know I have, countless times!):

“How many times do I need to tell you…?”

“Please naman, anak, listen to Mama…”

“Why don’t you ever listen to me?”

“Didn’t you hear what I said?...”

“Hay naku… hindi ka talaga marunong makinig!...”

Let’s face it: teaching our kids to listen to us can feel like a never-ending uphill battle most days (these are also usually the days when we question ourselves as parents).

We list down 10 possible reasons why your kids aren’t listening, plus tips from parenting expert, award-winning author, speaker and educational consultant Michele Borba, based on her book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries:

1. You don’t set a good (listening) example.
As a parent, you are your child’s best example of what good listeners are like. Show him that you listen to other people, including him — no matter how young he may be.

If you seem distracted when your child tells you something (for example, your eyes are glued to the TV screen, or your phone or computer screen), then, chances are he will feel that you are not paying attention to what he is saying. If this is the case, you shouldn’t be surprised then that when it’s your turn to speak to him, he appears to heed you no attention. Remember, children imitate our actions more than our speech. After all, actions speak louder than words, right?

 

2. You start your sentences with “You,” “If” and “Why.”
The words “You,” “If” and “Why” are called “listening stoppers.” When we use them to start off something we want to tell our children, they usually result in kids tuning us out. The reasons for this are:

• “You” statements can make a child feel as if you are attacking him or his character, especially when you use exaggerations (say things that are not necessarily true). For example:

“Timothy! You never listen to Mama!”

“You always forget to pack away your things!”

• “If” statements can be interpreted as threats, and we don’t want our kids to obey us because they feel scared or threatened, do we? After all, it would be best to train them to behave a certain way not out of fear, but out of understanding that doing so would prove beneficial to all. Examples of “If” statements are:

“If you don’t do what I tell you…”

“If you don’t listen to what Mama says…”

• When we use the word “Why” in our statements, it is as if we expect our kids to explain their behavior — something that they will most probably not be able to do, especially when they are still young. For example:

“Why aren’t you listening to me?”

“Why didn’t you do as I said?”

Dr. Borba suggests that parents do away with using these three listening stoppers when making requests so that children will be more receptive and comply with what they want.

 

3. You talk without first getting their attention.
Sometimes, your child may seem to be ignoring you or not listening to what you have to say because she is distracted. Whenever you want to speak to your child, make sure that you get her attention first. This is especially true for younger kids, who easily lose focus. Dr. Borba suggests the following ways for getting our kids’ attention:

• Squat down to your child’s level and establish eye-to-eye contact before you speak.

• Lift your child’s chin up gently so that she is looking at you. Then say your piece (remember, don’t use “You,” “If” and “Why” to start your sentences!)

• Use a verbal cue: “Please look at me and listen to what I am going to say.” Once she is looking at you eye to eye, you can start talking.

You can also use physical cues, like tapping her on her shoulder, turning her to face you, or gently putting her face in between your hands.

4. You resort to yelling.
Although most exasperated parents (including me) would most likely resort to yelling when their kids don’t listen to them, Dr. Borba says that doing so will only make things worse. Thus, she advises parents to do the opposite: “talk softer, not louder.”

In fact, Dr. Borba says that whispering one’s requests may yield more positive results than raising one’s voice. When parents speak in soft, loving tones, kids are usually caught off guard and are more likely to stop and listen. She even suggests whispering one’s request or direction to your toddler’s favorite stuffed toy.

 

5. You talk too much.
The 10-second rule dictates that you should be able to say what you want to say to your kid in less than 10 seconds; otherwise, you may be saying too much and just wasting your time, as your child’s attention span may not be that long yet.

Also, be clear with what it is you want your kid to do by using declarative statements. For example:

“Anak, finish your food.”

“Please pack away your toys before you go outside.”

“Remember to do your homework before you watch TV.”

Make sure you tailor your statements to your child’s age and comprehension skills.

[previous|page|next]

6. You ask instead of telling him.
If you want your child to obey a certain rule or comply with a certain request, don’t phrase it as a question or a suggestion; instead, give short, clear directions.

For example, instead of saying, “Tim, would you like to take a bath now?” say, “It’s time for your bath now, Tim. Please go to the bathroom.”

7. Your timing is off.
This means that you could be trying to get your child’s attention at a time when she is focused on doing something, like homework, or reading a book. (Or other activities that are worthy of focusing one’s time and attention on.)

During such times, it would help to “prepare” your child to listen to you by telling her that you need her attention after a certain time limit, say, five minutes, for example: “Therese, I need you to hear what I have to say after five minutes, please.”

 
8. You don’t establish consequences.
If you are certain that your child has heard your request and that you’ve given directions according to his learning capabilities, yet he still doesn’t listen to you, you need to show him the consequence for his actions.

For example, you could say your request followed by the consequence if he doesn’t comply:

“I know you want to play outside, but you must finish your food first.”

If he doesn’t do so, yet still insists on going outside, you can just say matter-of-factly: “Sorry, you didn’t finish your food.” Be consistent in doing so though, so that he knows that you expect him to listen the first time you say something.

This is what ‘establish consequences, expect compliance’ means — expect your child to listen the first time and don’t resort to repeating your request two, three or even four times. Get his attention and say your request firmly. If he doesn’t obey, apply the consequence.

 

9. You have an unresolved relationship issue with your child.
If you’ve tried the above techniques, improved the way you communicate and changed how you relay your directions, yet your child still doesn’t seem to listen to you, it may be time to delve deeper. Could she be choosing not to listen to you? Could she be tuning you out in an attempt to get your attention? Could she be disrespecting you because she doesn’t feel that you have authority as a parent?

These are just some questions you may want to try reflecting on. Children need to feel accepted, appreciated and loved — no matter what — especially by their parents, and more often than not, obedience and respect issues stem from their desire to be “seen” and “heard” by their parents.

10. He has a medical condition.
If your child seems to have consistent and repeated listening problems, Dr. Borba suggests it may be wise to talk to your pediatrician or another medical expert. Your child could actually have a hearing problem or another condition.

I have a nephew who at first seemed to have a listening problem when he was still a toddler. No matter what his parents said, he just didn’t seem to hear them. They took him to the doctor and had his hearing checked, among other things. They eventually discovered that he had autism. Because his condition was detected early on, he was able to benefit from early intervention services.

Teaching our kids to listen will ultimately help lay the foundation for their future, as experts say that listening and communication are crucial skills for success and getting along in life. Therefore, even if there are days when you may feel like giving up on helping your kids improve their listening skills, you should definitely keep at it. Like Dr. Borba says, “Learning to give directions so kids will listen takes practice. Breaking a child’s bad listening habits takes work and patience.” So don’t give up on teaching your kids — they will thank you for it when they’re older.

How about you, dear readers? How do you get your kids to listen to you? We’d love to get your inputs. Just leave a comment below.

Source:
www.micheleborba.com