11 Tough Questions Kids Ask and How to Answer Them

Children are naturally curious, but have you ever been stumped by your child’s questions? What do you do when your kid suddenly blurts out, “How are babies made?” or “What happens to you when you die?”

“Explaining [those things] to young kids can be a challenge, because cognitively, they are still thinking in terms of black and white. Their understanding is generally based on their own experiences and their immediate environment. Preschoolers are also very egocentric, so it’s difficult for them to see things from an objective point of view,” says Cara Fernandez, Ph.D., executive director at the Fr. Jaime C. Bulatao SJ Center for Psychology Services.

The best way to answer these tough questions is to be honest with your kids. “We want to avoid misconceptions and confusion, and we want to prevent the child from being so stressed, because he might misinterpret kung ano ang sasabihin mo,” says Angie Sievert-Fernandez, Ph. D., child life program manager of Kythe, clinical psychologist, and mom to Amaya, 5, and Mayumi, 2.

Being straightforward also prevents your kids from turning to other, less reliable sources of information. Venessa Hernandez, a marketing officer and mom to Julia, 12, Nash, 4, and Bogart, 2, agrees. “Kasi sa nature ng technology ngayon, malalaman at malalaman din ng mga bata ang mga bagay na ‘yan. Pwede nilang i-research sa Internet ‘yung answers. Hindi mo naman laging makikita ang ginagawa nila sa computer. At saka minsan sa school, hindi mo rin alam kung ano yung mga napag-uusapan nila. Para hindi sila ma-confuse at para hindi sila tanong nang tanong, sasabihin ko na sa kanila yung totoo,” she says.

Here’s how you can answer some of your kids’ toughest questions:

“Why doesn’t Daddy live with us?”
When children ask this question, they’re trying to make sense of things they see and experience. Answer with something that the child can relate to, like a TV show or book that depicts the same situation. You can even cite a school scenario. “You can say, ‘’Di ba in school, when two of your classmates are fighting, the teacher gives them a time out? Well, Mommy and Daddy don’t want to fight anymore, so Daddy lives in one house and we live in another. When Daddy and I see each other now, we don’t fight anymore,’” says Dr. Fernandez.

“Why does Daddy have another family?”
Instead of focusing on the other parent having another family, reassure your child. “[The other parent should tell the] child that he’d still spend time with her, that even though he doesn’t live with the child anymore, they would still have Saturday nights or go to the mall every Sunday together. Don’t just say that you love your child—give her a concrete manifestation of that love,” says Dr. Fernandez.

“Why do boys and girls go to different washrooms?”
“You can say that boys and girls pee in different ways,” says Dr. Fernandez. “‘Boys have a penis, so they pee standing up. Girls have a vagina, so they pee sitting down.’ At this age, just give them concrete, observable, and simple answers. Say it as it is. You don’t call an arm by another name, right? It also demystifies the whole penis-vagina thing,” she explains.

“How are children born?”
Be truthful, but also make your explanation age-appropriate. Mom-of-three Venessa makes it a point to answer her kids’ questions as truthfully as possible. “Kahit mahirap, siyempre pakonti-konti mo nang ie-explain. Noong tinanong ako ni Julia kung paano nanganganak ang girls, sinabi ko na una, nabuntis ako, tapos lumabas ka sa vagina,” she says.

“Why is that man dressed like a girl?”
Answer straightforwardly, without any hint of prejudice. “You can say that maybe he feels more like a girl than a boy, or he likes dressing up like a girl, but he is who he is in spite of dressing up and being like a girl,” says Dr. Sievert-Fernandez. People think and act in different ways and there’s nothing wrong with that.

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“What happens when you die? Where do you go?”
“Use metaphors that are well within your spiritual belief, because death in itself is a very abstract concept,” says Dr. Fernandez. “You can also relate it to something that your child has experienced. If your child has seen a show that deals with death, you can use that as an anchor. If you’re Christian, you can use the ‘your soul goes to heaven’ idea. I know some kids ask, ‘Can I breathe underground when I’m buried?’ You can say that it’s not you anymore; your body is like a wrapper, but your soul lives on,” says Dr. Fernandez.

“Why are there poor people?”
It’s tempting to launch a long explanation about society’s ills, but Dr. Fernandez advises that you give a very basic but still truthful answer. “The parent can answer in very concrete terms. The most objective thing to say is that they don’t have money for food, and they’re asking people for money so that they can buy food,” she says. Marielle Ocampo, a brand alliance manager and mom to Harley, 3, sees questions such as this as an opportunity to teach her child values. When Harley once asked this question, Marielle answered, “Sometimes, there are people who have more stuff than others. That’s why you have to be thankful when Wowo and Wowa give you gifts.”

“I thought only married people can have children?”
Before you answer, consider your family’s values: Is it something that your family can openly talk about? Is it something that you view as a situation that can happen, but is not wrong? Dr. Sievert-Fernandez suggests that you answer this way: “‘Yes, generally, only adults who are married can have babies. But some people have babies even when they’re not married yet, but this is not wrong.’ Tell them that the more important thing is that they take care of and love their kids.”

“Why does my classmate have two moms?”
Focus on the positive aspect of this situation. “You can say, ‘Sometimes, it’s better for the family if the mom and the dad live in different houses, because there will be no fighting, and the children won’t be scared,’” says Dr. Sievert-Fernandez. “‘When this happens, sometimes the mom and the dad find different people to love. But you don’t have to worry, your classmate now has two mommies to take care of her,’” she explains.

“Why are Lolo and Lola the ones taking care of me instead of Mom and Dad?”
Try to throw back the question to your child to know where he’s coming from. Based on his answer, give a truthful explanation.

Dr. Sievert-Fernandez suggests, “You can say, ‘Sometimes, it’s hard for people to get good jobs here, so they have to work abroad to be able to send their kids to school and give them what they need.’”

“How come we don’t have money to buy toys?”
You don’t necessarily have to explain your monthly household budget to your child. Teach your kids about the value of money instead and why it’s important to prioritize your needs (example: food and clothes) before spending for your wants (example: toys). You can also tell them that there are other ways to have fun—even without a lot of toys. Mommy Marielle suggests saying, “Mommy and Daddy can always work more hours so we can have more money to buy the things we want, but we would rather spend more time with you.”

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Here are some more tips on how to make answering your kids’ tough questions easier.

1. Educate yourself.
Prepare yourself by reading books, magazines, and websites that tackle these difficult topics. It’s important to educate yourself as a parent, so that you’re prepared when your kids eventually start asking these questions.

2. Be involved in your child’s life.
“Know what TV shows they watch, what books they read, and what they talk about in school with their classmates,” says Cara Fernandez, Ph.D., executive director at the Fr. Jaime C. Bulatao SJ Center for Psychology Services. “These are the situations na mapaghuhugutan ng parents when they try to answer their kids’ questions. When parents know about their children’s lives, they can say, ‘It’s like this TV show you watched...’”

3. Turn it into a story.
This is effective, especially when dealing with younger kids. Dr. Sievert-Fernandez recommends reading children’s books that discuss difficult topics together. “[This way,] you engage children, the manner in which you discuss it is relevant to them, and the information that you have is correct. Hindi ka nagsisinungaling,” she says.

4. Ask them questions.
One of the ways to gauge what your child is really asking is to ask them questions as well. “You ask questions because you also want to know: What does my child really want to understand? Why does my child ask these questions? Bakit bigla siyang naging curious about these things? May nakita ba siya? May ginawa ba yung ibang bata na napansin niya? Mayroon bang nagkukuwento sa kanya na hindi tama? Find out how this curiosity started and what she really wants to know,” Dr. Sievert-Fernandez says.

5. If you don’t know the answer, tell your kids.
Then, find out how to answer their questions. “I don’t agree with refusing to answer your kids’ questions. This is an opportunity for your kids to learn, so take advantage of it. To deflect the queries is like telling your kids ‘I don’t want you to learn.’ Say instead, ‘I want to answer your question really well, but I don’t know the answer right now so I will find out.’ You can also be more specific: ‘I want to answer your question really well, so give me an hour, or after you watch two TV shows, so I can research about it,’” says Dr. Fernandez.

The Fr. Jaime C. Bulatao, SJ Center for Psychology Services is located at the 1/F Social Sciences Building, Ateneo de Manila University, Loyola Heights, Quezon City. The center offers counseling, therapy, psychological assessment, workshops, seminars, and research for children, youth, adolescents, adults, individuals, families, communities, and organizations. For inquiries, call (02) 426.6001 loc 5268

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