Are you Raising a Spoiled Child?

As parents, we never want to be accused of raising spoiled brats. We’ve seen how spoiled kids grow up into adult brats who have difficulty dealing with whatever life throws their way. To know more about spoiling kids, let us first look at the definition of a spoiled child.

Spoiled silly
Child and adolescent psychiatrist Maria Celina H. Germar, M.D., F.P.P.A., F.P.S.C.A.P., who holds clinic at the UERM Memorial Medical Center, describes a spoiled child as “an overindulged child who engages in socially inappropriate behaviors (i.e., tantrums, whining, crying, being excessively demanding or manipulative) whenever he does not get what he wants.” She adds that a spoiled child is one who has received excessive material resources and has not been given adequate structure and limits. “He lacks self-control, acts impulsively, has poor frustration tolerance, and has difficulty delaying gratification.”                  

As a mother of two, Dr. Germar says that spoiling a child is never justifiable and that no good can ever come out of it. “I think the annoying, ill-mannered behavior that defines a brat is essentially the same behavior we see in a spoiled child,” she explains. Dr. Germar notes that spoiling one’s child has many possible negative effects. “It hinders the development of self-sufficiency because the child becomes overly dependent on others. A spoiled child may fail to grow into a mature, responsible adult who is able to take care of himself and take control of his life in positive ways. He may not develop problem-solving skills and may find it hard to cope with life’s daily stresses. He may also have difficulty relating with others because he hasn’t learned how to consider other people’s needs and wishes,” she says.  

Christopher Franz A. Carandang, a psychology teacher at the University of the Philippines Diliman, shares similar views with Dr. Germar. He speaks from his years of experience conducting play therapy with children and talking to parents as well.

“‘Spoiled’ is a term used to describe kids (even adults) who seem to always want to get their way without any effort to earn it,” says Carandang. He adds, “The only ‘forgivable’ thing I can think of is when grandparents ‘spoil’ their grandchildren. But even then, it is still the parents’ role to set limits.”

A spoiled child is also one who gets away with anything. He thinks he does not have to be accountable for his actions and the consequences that come with them. Carandang explains, “What’s dangerous is that these kids may turn into adults who feel they can ‘get away with murder,’ because no limits have been set when they were growing up.”  

Carandang believes that spoiling one’s kid also causes the child to be uncertain about his own abilities, strength, and resiliency. He has never had to rely on his own resources because there have always been adults who rescue him from the consequences of his actions.

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The parents’ take
For Mec Camitan Arevalo, stay-at-home mom of two and a breastfeeding peer counselor with LATCH Inc., spoiling “is useless and toxic. It is training kids to feel entitled and irresponsible.”
Mec thinks that spoiling is different from pleasing a child or letting him “win.” “There is nothing wrong with letting a child enjoy a piece of candy or two at a party, but I think there is something very wrong with giving a child candy every day,” she explains.

“When parents do not set limits for their child, the child will not learn to develop his skills and self-esteem,” she continues. “Spoiling a child costs a lot, too, not just in terms of money, but also energy for catering to all of his whims. He will grow up feeling betrayed because the world isn’t ‘coming to heel’ for him and he may, most likely, cause misery in others, too,” she says.

“I think spoiling happens over time. My hubby’s parents certainly wanted to dote on our children by giving in to all their requests for junk food whenever we visit, but we told them that we were instilling certain values in our children. We do allow them to give our sons ‘treats,’ just not too many,” Mec reveals.

Stay-at-home mom Cheryl Goodman agrees. “When you give in to whatever your child wants, whenever he wants it, regardless of the consequences, you are spoiling him,” she says. “I don’t believe there is any good in doing so. Spoiled kids become bratty kids.”

Related story: Raising Good Boys: The 5 Values you Need to Teach your Son

This is why Cheryl tries her best not to spoil her twin daughters, Acacia and Mayumi, 4. “Spoiling your children robs them of the chance to mature — they end up thinking that everything revolves around them. They may have a hard time dealing with the real world, especially with failure. It also exhausts caregivers’ or parents’ time, resources, and energy,” she emphasizes.

“I feel that my own parents somehow spoiled me,” Cheryl recalls. “I always had access to money whenever I needed it. I never had to worry because I knew my parents would help me. I eventually moved to another country so I could learn to live on my own resources and make do with what I have.”

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Spoiled no more
If you feel that you are raising a spoiled child, Carandang says it is still possible to reverse the situation, although it may be difficult to do so, especially if the child has gotten used to it. “You have to gradually set limits and explain to your child clearly that you have made a mistake in spoiling him. Explain why limits are important,” he advises. “If this is done firmly and consistently, you could reverse the situation.”

He continues, “In fact, even when they get older, children continue to look to their parents for guidance. Most kids need reassurance from their parents that what they are doing is okay and to set limits for them. It comforts them to know that their parents won’t allow them to be ‘bad.’ Kids eventually learn to internalize these limits and become mature adults who are able to regulate themselves.”

Here are some practical tips to avoid spoiling your kids:

Says Carandang:
1. If your child wants you to buy something for him (e.g., a gadget or a computer game), turn it into an opportunity for him to learn that it takes some effort to get what he wants. Give him a reasonable time frame for achieving a goal to earn his reward. For example, you may agree to buy him a gaming console if he could achieve a certain grade average, say 90, at the end of a grading period. The more specific the goal and time frame, the better.

2. Don’t always reward your child with an expensive toy. Some parents shower their kids with material gifts to compensate for their absence. But what feels really rewarding to a child is quality time with Mom and Dad. Go on a family trip or enjoy a meal together.

3. When you set limits, don’t just tell kids what they can’t do. Give them alternatives. Kids fighting over the computer? Don’t just tell them to stop bickering; suggest that they create a schedule to help them take turns. Ask for their opinions and involve them in the decision-making at home.

Says Dr. Germar:
1. Model appropriate behavior to your child.  

2. Set rules and limits: State expectations in ways your child can clearly understand. Write and post rules and guidelines, depending on the child’s age and involve him in developing rules.  

3. Set appropriate consequences for negative behavior.  

4. Be consistent in applying consequences.   

5. Define the rewards for positive behavior and make sure you fulfill your promises.  

6. Give children verbal recognition and praise for positive acts — praise patience, especially.  

7. Teach your child problem-solving skills.  

8. Help your child learn to recognize other people’s needs, starting with those of family members.  Teach your child to compromise.

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What our readers think
Smartparenting.com.ph asked Filipino parents to share their thoughts on spoiling. Here are the results.

1. Your definition of spoiling a child:
60.3% say spoiling is letting a child’s bad attitude pass without a consequence
22.4% define it as showering a child with material things (i.e. toys) even when he already has a lot
8.6% say it’s not punishing a child’s wrong deeds

2. Your biggest reasons for spoiling a child:
Majority say it’s to make up for time not spent with the child. “I don’t get too much time with my kids because of work. They love toys, so I give them toys whenever I can. But I don’t tolerate disrespect or rudeness.”

3. Do you think it is okay to spoil a child with too much attention?
51.7% say no
48.3% say yes


Psychiatrist Maria Celina H. Germar, M.D., and psychology instructor Christopher Franz Carandang share their insights.

Q #1: “Our son got high grades in his last exam. We rewarded him with an Xbox even if he did not ask for it. We feel that his good grades justify our gift. Is this okay?”

Dr. Germar: You are spoiling the child if you gave him an Xbox he didn’t ask for. You are not even sure he likes it, and it is too expensive. It’s all right to give your child gifts for no reason at all. However, overindulgence can make these possessions meaningless to your child. We have to be careful with giving material rewards because of the lessons this might be teaching a child. Verbal recognition and praise with lots of hugs and kisses will help teach your child to value a person instead of material goods.

Carandang: You may not necessarily be spoiling your child in this situation, but you are depriving him of the right to choose his own reward. He may not even want an Xbox. It is crucial to involve the child in making decisions such as this one so he will feel empowered and also be motivated to work hard to earn the reward he wants. Who knows? A family trip might even be more rewarding and motivating for him.

Q #2: “My newborn always wants to be held. I always oblige whenever she asks to be carried. I even wear her in a sling sometimes. Am I spoiling her or not?”

Dr. Germar: You are not spoiling her. Infants need to be touched, cuddled, and held to form “a secure attachment,” which is a critical part of their development. Consistency and predictability in response to an infant’s needs help the child develop basic trust.

Carandang: Establishing trust is very important at this stage. You can do that by being consistent and reliable as a parent. At this stage, there is nothing wrong with responding to your baby’s needs each time. However, a parent has to learn to adjust and grow with her child. As she grows, your child becomes more capable of doing things on her own, and you should not deprive your child of the experience of discovering and exploring her own capabilities.

Q #3: “My children made a wish list for Christmas and my husband and I will try our best to get every item on that list. After all, Christmas comes only once a year. Am I spoiling them?”

Dr. Germar: Yes, you are. While Christmas is definitely the season for giving and for showing our love to our children, there are many other ways we can express our love aside from giving them all the things they wish for. Think hard about what you would like your children to learn and value. Leaving out some items on the list will help your kids learn to delay gratification. It may also be an opportunity for you to teach them to share with others.

Carandang: It depends on how long that list is and what they are asking for. But it is ideal not to always give in to their every wish, more so if the list is long. Ask your kids to choose what they like most and then save the other items for another time. This way, you give them an opportunity to earn what they want by setting some reasonable goals together. And make sure you stay fair to each of your kids because they would surely let you know if they feel that one is being favored over the other.

Photos by Brian Maranan Pineda, styling by Jen Everett