The Pros
Healthy outlook on relationships. Constant presence prevents daily separation anxiety in children, thus fostering a close bond between mother and child. Children experience the intimate, nurturing quality of their mothers, which becomes a part of their personality as well. Having imbibed the same nurturing quality, children learn to show care and respect to other people. In the book Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care: A Handbook for Parents of Developing Children from Birth through Adolescence, authors Benjamin Spock, M.D. and Steven J. Parker, M.D. write, “It’s the parents’ love that creates an answering love in children. It’s from this lovingness toward parents that children go on to form all their positive relations in life—with friends, teachers, spouses, offspring, neighbors, and fellow workers.”
“Can-do” attitude. Kids learn the values of responsibility and accountability by simply watching their moms accomplish household chores. In fact, kids become comfortable with doing household chores, given that their moms engage them to contribute. Developing a sense of responsibility is often linked with high levels of achievement. “Children know that they are inexperienced and dependent,” state Spock and Parker. “They are always watching their parents, instinctively, and patterning themselves after them. This is how they get their own personalities, their strength of character, their assurance, their ability to cope.”
Deep sense of worth. “Being a stay-at-home mom gives an opportunity for the mother to really look after the daily needs of her children,” says Maria Jennifer B. Tordecilla, assistant professor at the Department of Family Life and Child Development at the College of Home Economics, University of the Philippines, Diliman, Quezon City.
The mother stands as a major influence on the child’s personality and accomplishments. Being there during important milestones in their lives also marks a sense of importance in children.
Click here to learn the cons of being a stay-at-home mom.
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Read on to learn the cons of being a stay-at-home mom.
The Cons
May develop overattachment. Though it is advisable for moms to stay with their children who are in their formative years (ages 0-6), constant presence may pose limitations to children as they grow older.
Kids who get used to moms’ constant presence may develop strong dependency. They have a tendency to “cling,” making it difficult for them to develop independence and autonomy.
A parent who is always “in control” to keep the child “safe,” may leave no room for exploration, inhibiting development.
May acquire low adaptability. Because they are used to routine that involve their moms, kids may have trouble adjusting to new people and situations.
According to Ann Douglas, author of The Mother of All Parenting Books, “A child who is slow to adapt to new situations may find it difficult to switch from one task to the next, or to accept major changes to her daily routine.” This could, however, pose well if encountering ill-intentioned strangers.
May become inhibited. In her book, Douglas quotes 35-year-old mother Jennifer, “Round-the-clock insulation does not give a child the skills and experience he needs to become a well-rounded, productive, healthy, and happy adult.” Another mother cited in the book, 35-year-old Karen, agrees, “We are protecting our children, but I believe we are spoiling our children and not teaching them how to be self-sufficient. By over-protecting our kids, I think we are smothering their natural instincts to sense danger and are sending them out into the world unprepared.”
Click here to read about finding the balance for stay-at-home moms.
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Read on about finding the balance for stay-at-home moms.
Finding the Balance for SAHMs
Go out with the kids. Staying at home and doing the same routine repeatedly can become tiresome and boring for both mothers and children. “[Boys and girls] need opportunities for special activities with [their mothers], the same way they need with their fathers,” stress Spock and Parker. “These could be trips to museums, movies or sporting events, or going hiking, or bicycle-riding. The point is that it shouldn’t be an obligation for the mother, but something both she and the children really enjoy.”
Allot some “alone time.” To avoid a burnout, moms should spend a few minutes to themselves. By keeping children busy with something other than their mom’s attention (e.g. giving them an activity book), moms can relax on the couch reading a book, or perhaps go out for a stroll.
Also, as much as SAHMs enjoy total control over their children, they need to allow their kids to “spread their wings in an age-appropriate manner,” writes Douglas.
Don’t forget to include daddy in the picture. According to the book Raising a Happy Unspoiled Child: How Parents Can Help Their Baby Develop Into a Secure and Well-adjusted Child by Burton L. White, a survey of more than 20,000 children reports that those whose fathers are involved in their education “earn more A’s, participate in more extracurricular activities, enjoy school more, and are less likelty to repeat a grade.” This applies equally to boys and girls, and is regardless of income, parental education, race, and ethnic group. Full-time working dads can also provide that much needed alone time for stay-at-home moms. After work or on weekends, dads can watch over children while moms go out and pamper themselves. Encourage dads to read to kids at night, or do chores together on weekends.
Click here to read on about a child's development under career moms.
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Read on about a child's development under career moms.
Child’s Development Under Career Moms
Employ a positive attitude about work. As primary models to young learners, parents pass on their outlook about work and responsibility to their children, whether they intend to or not. Children see the value of contributing to society, and will then strive to apply themselves in the same way.
Absorb the values of responsibility and independence. When parents share with their children what is enjoyable about their jobs, as well as the difficulties often encountered, they help their kids form their own notion of work, plus the responsibility that work it entails.
Share equal relationship with both parents. The amount of time spent by both parents with the children is almost the same. Both are working, and both will want to spend time with the kids. Mom will cease to be labeled as the only “nurturer” whom kids bond with emotionally. Dad may take his share of emotional bonding, as mom does her share of providing financially. The positive effects of working moms are multiplied when fathers partake in child-care and household tasks.
May feel apprehensive. Tension at work plus the pressure to keep the household and the kids at their best increases stress. Kids can sense this tension and become reluctant toward their own moms, which may lead to a less open line of communication between the 2. White notes, “The level of stress a mother feels as a result of physical or emotional exhaustion, dissatisfaction, or discontent with her job (at home or in the office) is unknowingly passed on to her children. This stress is eventually translated to children’s poor physical and psychological health.
May become detached. Your emotional bond with your child is shaped during the first year of your child’s life. British developmental psychologist John Bowlby explains that early attachment or detachment from parents, especially the mother, has a lasting emotional effect on children. Whoever answers to children’s needs and takes on a major part in their care during the early years of their life makes a deep impression. If a mother’s work takes her away from the child physically, chances are that the child will see the mom as a stranger or a “guest” who visits every so often. Toddlers may even become fearful of their own mothers simply because they don’t recognize them.
May become too demanding.
Whether they feel guilty for not being there most of the time, or because of eagerness to hold their kids, many working moms feel disposed to showering their kids with presents. Having worked so hard, the working mom tends to give little care to money spent. The danger is “when a child finds that her parents are appeasers, it doesn’t satisfy her—it’s apt to make her greedy,” warn Spock and Parker.
Click here to read more about a child's development under career moms.
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Read more about a child's development under career moms.
Finding the Balance
Set a “special time” with kids. Spock and Parker explain, “Special time is a brief period—5 to 15 minutes is usually sufficient—that you set aside every day to spend with each child individually. What’s ‘special’ about special time is not what you actually do with your child—you can do a puzzle, take a trip to the store, or just talk together. What’s special is that it is your personal, exclusive time together, when your child gets your undivided attention.” Always look for opportunities to sit down and relax with the kids. Watch TV or a movie, cook dinner, or play a game: These all count for a quality time. Moms should take note of school activities and choose the most important ones they can go to (if choosing all is impossible). They may even ask their children which ones are most important to them.
Communication is not impossible. Short notes, sweet lines, heartfelt sketches and doodles: these take 2 minutes to do. Moms can set up a family message board and command themselves to post at least 1 note daily. To have constant presence even when away, moms can make technology work for them by sending short text messages, emails or faxes during the day. A simple phone call wouldn’t be so bad either.
Don’t let guilt precede better parenting judgments. While showing affection and affability may come naturally to moms, children must understand that moms are also capable of irritability due to exhaustion. Moms don’t have to shower their kids with gifts to compensate for lost time—this may only spoil them. Make sure kids see that money should be spent on necessities, not on luxuries. Should kids show unacceptable behavior, moms must still put a stop to it even when tired or too guilty to reprimand. Respect and consideration is expected among family members, and best if taught at an early age.
THE WORK-AT-HOME-MOM: Best of both worlds?
Like stay-at-home and working moms, the role of work-at-home mom has its own set of advantages and disadvantages. Contrary to popular belief, it is not a win-win situation. It entails a great deal of providing time for children, your husband, household chores and work—all under the same roof!
Working mom Jol Espiritu-Cruel, 36, shares, “Living on 1 income but with 3 kids on diapers and bottle feedings, it became necessary for me to step up and augment my husband’s salary.” So, she did party organizing and decorating, freelance writing, and now runs a stationery business—all from home. Being based at home allowed her to take care of her children, attend to their needs, and still work on something she enjoys from which she earns income to help make ends meet.
Click here toread more stories from work-at-home moms.
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Read more stories from work-at-home moms.
It sounds like Jol has the best of both worlds. But she is quick to point out that there are some things she has given up, too: “My working hours are not defined. On certain days especially during peak season, I literally work all day from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. I would only take a break when it’s time to take the kids to school or fetch them, or to attend to their needs.” A working mom would only have to work during office hours or get paid for overtime.
Positive effects of working moms are multiplied when fathers partake in child care and in the household. Their children are bound to develop more progressive views on gender issues.
Positive effects of working moms are multiplied when fathers partake in child care and in the household.
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