Moms Weigh In: Do Single Moms Raise Inferior Kids?

Being a solo parent, especially if you’re a mom, is quite challenging, even overwhelming at times. There may even be times when one would question her parenting abilities — “Am I doing a good job?” “Will my kids turn out okay?” “Am I to be blamed if my child turns out ‘bad’?” Questions like these may plague the single mom from time to time. Through this article, we hope to help assure all the solo moms (and maybe dads, too) that whatever challenges you may be facing, you are not alone.

Josefina “Nina” Quintos Era is a college professor and family counselor associated with the University of the East - Manila, Miriam College and RCW Foundation. A single mom to Kristia Ysabel, 16, and Raphael, 14, Nina shares her insights and thoughts about the question: Do single moms raise inferior kids?

“Personally, I don’t think single moms raise inferior kids. First of all, a family that is nurtured by a single parent does not make less of a family. Therefore, inferior kids are not produced just because the family is incomplete,” Nina explains. “Children from intact families could still feel inferior because of many reasons such as the love and attention that they are not getting from their own parents.”

Nina says that when it comes to her own family, she is “pretty sure” that she is raising confident children because “from the very start I have been very honest with them on why my marriage (with their father) failed.” Nina’s children know the complete story and she constantly assures them of her unconditional love and care.

“I have also told them that whatever happened between their dad and I have nothing to do with their relationship with their dad. I point out to them that it is okay to love their dad and me at the same time. They need not feel guilty about it. It is not a betrayal on their part,” she continues.

Nina says that sometimes mothers who are in the same situation as her would always cover up what actually happened with their marriages because they want to shield their kids from the pain that they have gone through. “But sometimes this does more harm than good because we belittle their ability to understand,” she explains. “Believe me when I say that children now are very sensitive and intelligent and they know very well what is happening in their environment. As adults we just have to be open and honest with them, avoid stories that deceive them, and trust that our presence and love would be enough to make them feel secure.”

Nina admits that single mothers face a lot of challenges aside from the obvious fact that you raise your kids without a partner. Finances are also a big factor — there are mothers who have to take on several jobs to be able to provide a decent life for their children. “When the children do not excel in school, people would always generalize that these children are mediocre because they are products of single-parent homes and that their mothers are not able to find a balance between work and home.” And then of course, there’s the emotional baggage.

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“Another challenge that single moms face is gaining back their self-worth. Most of the single mothers that I know are victims of different types of abuse — physical, emotional, verbal – and these abuses can definitely damage our self-worth. We look at ourselves as victims and sometimes we can’t help but wallow in self-pity and become depressed after everything sinks in. It takes a while before we can pick up the pieces.”

Says Nina, “I want my kids to grow up in a healthy environment - one that will allow them to fail and learn, and, most importantly, one that will give them boundaries. I know I wouldn’t be able to raise them this way if I had a partner (since my ex-husband and I couldn’t agree on some matters). Of course, I think other people would still think that it’s better to raise kids with a partner.”

Connie Zabala, a virtual assistant and mom to a 16-year-old girl, shares the same sentiments as Nina. “Inferior kids can come from any type of family, whether or not both parents are present. It really depends on how they were brought up by their parent/s,” she explains.

“A single mom who is very hands-on in raising her child is far from making her kid inferior. As long as the child knows his situation, he will not feel inferior or confused.”

Connie says that as a single mom, she thinks the most challenging part is when her child needs her father’s presence, and he just isn’t there. “Solo moms sometimes find it hard to be a ‘father figure’ to their kids,” she shares.

“If it were up to me, I’d still prefer to raise my kid with the presence of her father, because there are times when children need their father's presence or opinion,” she continues.

“As long as the parents set a good example, it’s still good to raise kids jointly, even if you are not together as a couple. However, if the situation for being a solo parent cannot be avoided, like mine because my daughter's father already passed away, then I will do my best to raise my daughter alone but successfully,” Connie declares.

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When it comes to getting help from others, Connie suggests several things. “Schools, can help single parents in many ways, such as giving lower tuition fees for their kids. A benefit like that could be really helpful. I hope it’s the next step to the benefits and considerations given to solo parents like me,” she continues.

“I also wish that people wouldn’t alienate kids of single parents. For example, if the child has ‘no middle name’ because he/she is born to an unwed mother, people should not make a big deal out of it,” she emphasizes.

Dana (not her real name), a home-based online ESL teacher and mom to a six-year-old boy, believes that all solo moms aim to raise good kids even if they don't have anybody to share their parenting responsibilities with. “This is to prove to the world that their kids can be as competitive as those kids coming from regular families. They try what they can to make sure that their social status won’t be a hindrance to their child’s success,” she says.

It’s also only natural for a solo mom to be a bit protective of her children. “In my case, one of the reasons why I homeschooled my child is to avoid possible ridicule from the kids in school. This is also my way of avoiding possible sources of inferiority for my son. I know a girl who was in Kindergarten but stopped schooling for a year because she couldn’t share anything about family during the discussion about families in class,” she shares.

Like Connie, Dana feels that one of biggest challenges of solo moms is financial in nature, but adds also that “Sometimes you wish you had a partner, especially during the times that you need 'me' time, or when your schedule just goes haywire and you need someone to pitch in.”

Dana believes that it's still better to raise kids with both parents present.  “There are some things that only a father can explain to the child. I actually didn't strip my son’s father of parental authority, so it’s up to him if he wants to be present in his son’s life,” she says.

Dana wishes that people would be “more sensitive in asking touchy questions. “When I went back to the academe last year, I felt uneasy and violated because even before I started working there, the entire school already knew my background, and I didn’t even know those people on an intimate level,” she shares.

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Katrina Villareal, a web content manager, editor and freelance writer, and mom to Matthew, 5, believes that children's personalities and values are developed and instilled depending on how they are raised — “not whether they are raised by one parent, two parents, no parents, or even parents plus grandparents, aunts, and uncles.”

Of course, being a solo parent definitely has its challenges, among them, “They need to take better care of their health and manage their resources (like time, money, and energy) well. I think all parents face the same challenges, yes, but solo parents seem to have a lot more on their plate because they can't split the tasks with another person. Thankfully, you have grandparents, aunts, and uncles who are more than willing to help out.”

Katrina admits that she has learned a lot of life lessons and matured more in the past few years as a solo mom than in the first 25 years of her life. “But I wouldn't necessarily have chosen this path for myself and my son,” she discloses.

“Of course I would've wanted him to have two parents present. I'm just glad that he hasn't started asking questions yet. Though he's already five, he has special needs and has delayed development, so he hasn't gone around to asking all the difficult questions. I don't plan on keeping anything from him; just age-appropriate truths,” Katrina shares.

When it comes to support, Katrina has this to say: “The Solo Parent Act is great, though I haven't really used it to my advantage yet. Perhaps the government could also consider giving solo parents privileges similar to the senior citizen's discount, but on education, school supplies, kid's clothes and medicines. Maybe banks can also have a different set of loans for solo parents, with lower interest rates or longer payment terms.”

All in all, Katrina says what's most important is that the child doesn't feel that he or she is being punished just because he or she doesn't have parents who aren't together.

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Yolly Mae Hortillosa, a freelance writer and editor, owner of the Little Panda Shop and Caramel Kisses Shop, and mom to a two-year-old boy, says she knows a lot of incredible, self-assured, well-adjusted people who grew up in single parent households. “I also know people who grew up with two parents at home and still ended up being insecure. I think the biggest factor isn't how many parents there are, but rather, how much time and attention is given. When a child grows up in love, it shows.”

For Yolly, the biggest challenge is being the only one responsible for another person. “That may seem pretty obvious but it is a huge responsibility. Every single choice regarding my son is mine to make. It can be quite overwhelming at times,” she shares.

“I just focus on being intentional, making choices not to follow a trend or ‘pamahiin’ but really thinking about how it will affect my son now and in the future.”

Yolly says she made the choice to be a solo mom after trying to work it out with her son’s father. “I realized after several months that I'd rather raise my son in a house filled with love and respect, even if it means I need to raise him by myself.”

“I hope other people would also realize the need to set up a support system (for solo parents). It takes a village to raise a child. A great support system would make a huge impact to single parents everywhere, not just to single moms,” she says.

“As for me, I normally don't ask for help because I'm so used to going at it alone. Luckily, I have friends or relatives who offer to babysit so I can finish projects or run errands. I'm always incredibly grateful for what they do. Even if it's just 30 minutes or an hour, it makes a huge difference!” Yolly shares.

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Zorayda, an online Korean tutor, and mom to a three-year-old and two-year-old, has just recently become a solo parent. “I used to think that kids raised by solo parents would be inferior because they are not ‘complete,’ that's why I tried to save the relationship between me and my partner for as long as I could,” she discloses.

“But when I realized that our kids were even more stressed and traumatized because of our constant fights and arguments, I decided to finally call it quits. I'd rather have them experience love from us separately than witness violence at home,” she continues.

“I believe that if kids feel loved and if good communication lines are established, they will be fine. It is important to assure them and make them feel that no matter what happens, they will always be loved by both parents. I hope in time, my kids would understand our situation,” Zorayda says.

“To be honest, I am overwhelmed by the thoughts of raising my kids on my own. I no longer have my mom who could have been my greatest support. Most of my closest friends are still single, and the married ones are busy,” she says. “So for parenting advice, I read a lot or attend parenting events if possible, to equip myself with relevant information, and then find out what will work for our family.”

Right now, Zorayda says she feels the burden of supporting her family financially. “I was praying and hoping to be a work-at-home mom and homeschool my kids. But it has become more difficult now. We have to make big adjustments in our lifestyle.”

“I'm also concerned about emotional stress. I noticed that I'm becoming less patient and would easily snap at my kids. So, I allot guilt-less time for myself to loosen up a bit by being alone or spending time with my friends,” she says.

Zorayda says she is blessed to find support in her relatives and trusted yaya, to look after her kids while she works. “I wish there were more work-at-home opportunities for single moms because they need to spend more time with their kids. I have heard about the Solo Parents’ Act, but I have yet to explore it.”

Zorayda says she was so worried before about the social stigma connected to being a solo mom or a broken family. “But now, I'm learning to accept that I can't have all the things I want in life. I have to be strong for my kids,” she declares courageously.

The stories of our solo moms here all have the same message: We as a society and, I dare say, a “family” should remember to be more compassionate and understanding toward solo parents and broken families. Instead of isolating them or labelling them negatively, we must strive to make them feel accepted.  

Image from baby-poems.com