Mom Worries Over Gay Son, Other Parents Say: ‘Show Him Love But Set Boundaries’

A child coming out as gender diverse to their parents can be a confusing time for the family. And this is what one parent admitted to feeling in the 100,000-strong Smart Parenting Village. The anonymous post captures the raw and honest emotions of a mother coming to terms with her 13-year-old son’s coming out.

The original post reads:

“My 13-year-old eldest son came out to us. Inamin niya sa akin, sa daddy niya, and sa mga tita niya na gay siya… Marami kaming signs na napansin sa kanya before he came out. Alam at ramdam namin yun mag-asawa at wala yun issue sa amin. Hindi ko lang talaga alam paano siya kakausapin about it habang lumalaki siya.

“Inamin niya muna sa akin sa chat, then umuwi siya after an hour. Hindi kami nag-imikan because ramdam ko naiilang din siya. Tapos pinuntahan niya ako at tinanong, ‘Mommy, galit ka ba sa akin?’ That was the first time he asked me that question at sinagot ko na, ‘Hindi, bakit naman ako magagalit?’

“Hindi ako galit. May panghihinayang. Panganay na apo siya sa amin, panganay namin na lalaki at dalawa lang silang magkapatid. I’m looking forward sana na pagtanda nila ay magkaka-manugang at magkaka-apo ako sa kanila. Pero mukhang malabo sa kanya.

“Walang problema sa daddy niya, pero ayaw lang niya na mag-crossdress si son. Kaya nung lumabas siya muka sa kwarto na nakamakeup pero nakapang-lalaki na damit, nagulat ako. Sabi ko, ‘Bakit ka naka-makeup?’ Sumagot siya na, ‘Masama ba mag-makeup, ma?’ Sumagot ako na, ‘Hindi naman porque alam na namin o umamin ka na sa amin eh papayagan ka namin mag-makeup. Burahin mo yan.’ Hindi na siya sumagot at nag-hilamos.

“Gusto ko lang maglabas ng saloobin. Hindi ko alam, I know how cruel the world is sa mga kagaya nila. I don’t know how to protect him, how to guide him sa pagiging gay.”

Insights from other parents

The post garnered an overwhelming response from the community, most of which provides advice, empathy, and support, offering valuable insights for parents in similar situations. Here are the highlights:

Embracing the initial revelation

Many parents agree the experience could be a mix of emotions when their child comes out. This mother’s post reveals her initial post and concern, highlighting the need for understanding and guidance. Commenters empathized deeply with her, while also emphasizing the importance of communication, acceptance, and support.

“First and foremost, hindi sila [children] liable sa kasiyahan mo [parents] or mga pangarap mo sa buhay. Paliwanag mo sa kanya na nasa point ka pa ng pagkadismaya pero hindi ibig sabihin nun eh hindi ka masaya para sa kanya.”

“I guess, nasa stage ka [parent] pa ng acceptance. Maybe you can start by talking to him about the rules that you want to impose since out na siya sa inyo, like what are your rules for him, tulad ng no crossdressing or little to no makeup for now.”

“Embrace the situation, embrace him. Ang importante, hindi siya masamang tao, may takot sa Diyos at may respeto sa kapwa.”

Acceptance is a journey, and acknowledging one’s own feelings is the first step toward genuine support.

Setting boundaries and expectations

A significant number of the comments emphasized the importance of setting clear boundaries and expectations while also respecting the child’s identity. Finding the right balance between the two helps in maintaining a structured environment while allowing the child to explore their identity safely.

“Sit down with him and talk. Say thank you kasi nagtiwala siya na sabihin ang totoong nararamdaman niya and assure her na mapagkakatiwalaan niya kayo and you won’t judge him. Ilahad niyo din ang do’s and don'ts if you have any para malinaw sa kanya kung ano ang mga hindi niya pwede gawin.”

“Teen pa din siya and need pa din niya ang gabay niyo. Oo gay siya, pero hindi naman porque umamin siya eh all out na siya agad.”

Boundaries can provide a sense of security and clarity, which is crucial during the teenage years.

Open communication and mutual understanding

Open and honest communication is essential in building a supportive relationship. Many parents shared that having heartfelt conversations with their children helped bridge understanding and foster a deeper connection.

“Mas mabuti na ma-explain niya kung ano yung respeto na hinihingi niyo sa kanya [child]. Hindi bilang kapalit o kondisyon sa pag-amin niya, kung hindi bilang anak niyo na mahal kayo.”

“Your son needs you the most now. Make time to talk to him. Pinaka-importante is boundary and self-worth. Kailangan mo i-remind sa kanya kung gaano ka-importante ang self-respect especially when it comes to their body and other people.”

“It’s a good thing na nag-open yung anak mo sa inyo instead na sa maling tao at lugar siya mapunta for acceptance. Assure him that being gay doesn’t make you love him any less, but give each other time to process and accept.”

Effective communication can alleviate misunderstandings and reassure the child of their parents’ unwavering support.

Supporting self-expression

Another recurring theme in the comments was the importance of allowing the child to express themselves, whether through clothing or makeup, while guiding them appropriately for their age.

“Pwedeng give him limitations sa kung anong pwede niyang gawin, same naman sa straight kids. As a minor, kahit gay or straight pa, dapat may rules and limitations silang sinusunod kasi tayo ang magulang.”

“Makeup is no longer specific to only women these days. I personally know very straight men who wear makeup. Teach and support him like you would a daughter.”

Allowing self-expression within reasonable boundaries can help the child feel accepted and understood.

Seeking professional guidance

Some commenters recommended seeking professional help to help both parents and child to navigate and accept their new dynamics effectively. Consulting with a respectful psychiatrist can provide both parties with the tools they need to handle the situation.

“Pwede kayong mag-consult sa psychiatrist (na hindi homophobic) to help you process the situation correctly na hindi magiging traumatic sa anak mo and sa iyo rin. Your child can consult a child psychiatrist din, not to change him but to help him process the situation.”

Professional guidance can offer an objective perspective and equip families with strategies for dealing with societal pressures and personal emotions.

Building a safe and supportive environment

Creating a safe and loving environment at home is crucial, and many comments emphasized that home should be a sanctuary where the child feels accepted and loved unconditionally.

“Show him unconditional love and support kahit nasa process pa kayo ng acceptance. Basta yung rules and boundaries niyo are clear din sa kanya, and be open as well for compromise.”

“Kung ipapakita mo sa kanya na fully supported niyo siya then wala siyang magiging pakialam kung gaano kasaklap o kahirap ang mundo, kasi ang importante sa kanya eh tanggap mo siya.”

“The world is cruel and other family members can also be cruel, so please be a safe space for your child. Wala siyang ibang kakampi sa mundo kung hindi kayo ng asawa mo. Makeup is nothing but face paint, it will not make him less of a person. Sana kung tanggap niyo talaga siya, your actions should align with your words.”

The home environment can significantly impact the child’s self-esteem and resilience in facing the outside world.

The journey of parenting a gay teen involves handling and navigating complex emotions, setting appropriate boundaries, and fostering open communication and mutual respect. The responses from other parents in the Smart Parenting Village underline the importance of acceptance, support, and love in helping the child thrive. By embracing their child’s identity and guiding them with compassion, parents can build a strong, trusting relationship that withstands any challenges.

Read here to learn an expert’s insights on whether a parent should confront their child who says he’s gay.