10 Ways to Teach our Kids Empathy

 

This article was updated on March 11, 2015

As of this writing, the Philippines is still recovering from massive flooding brought about by heavy monsoon rains or habagat, which has left more than 90 people dead and affected 2.4 million families. It has been heartbreaking to see the devastation, yet also inspiring to see the heroic acts, big and small, of those who have come to the aid of the victims. Truly, now, more than ever, is a time for great empathy and social action.

When it comes to our children though, especially the younger ones, empathizing with others may not come as easily as we would hope it to. After all, how does one explain, “Put yourself in his / her shoes,” or “Imagine how that flood victim must feel,” to one’s kids, when they themselves are just starting to have a grasp on the concept of emotions, and are only beginning to name their own emotions and feelings?

Having said that though, we parents would do well to try our best to teach empathy to our children, no matter how young they may be, especially if we consider a study done in recent years by the University of Michigan, which found that “today’s college students are not as empathic as college students of the 1980s and `90s.”

Dr. Michele Borba, an internationally recognized expert and author on children, teens, parenting, bullying and moral development, in her article titled “Empathy Crisis: Why Children are Crueler,” cited several shockingly true examples of grade school children who were found guilty of murder. According to her, “they (the murderers) were all cold-hearted kids without an ounce of empathy — the one virtue that experts say could possibly have stopped them committing from their horrific acts.”

Of course, parents would never intentionally raise their children to be cold-blooded murderers, but we must be aware that our actions, words and examples play a vital role in how our children will empathize with others.

In the words of Dr. Borba:
“Empathy, the first essential virtue of moral intelligence, is the ability to identify with and feel for another person’s concerns. It’s the powerful emotion that halts violent and cruel behavior and urges us to treat others kindly. Because empathy emerges naturally and quite early, our children are born with a huge built-in advantage for their moral growth. But whether our kids will develop this marvelous capacity to feel for others is far from guaranteed. Although children are born with the capacity for empathy, it must be properly nurtured or it will remain dormant.”

Further on in her article, Dr. Borba describes in detail five factors that are “especially lethal in squelching empathy, and point to a crisis in its development,” namely:

1.    Emotional unavailability of parents
2.    Absence of supportive fathers
3.    Barrage of cruel media images
4.    Raising boys to mask their feelings
5.    Abuse in the cradle

Dr. Borba ends her article with a call to adults to recognize the need to address the empathy crisis and “kid cruelty epidemic” and encourages them to build moral intelligence among children.

In related articles on “Empathy and Kindness,” Dr. Borba shares the following secrets to raising empathic kids, bearing in mind that “the best way kids learn empathy is by witnessing or experiencing it”:

1. Point out other people’s feelings to your child.
Help your child tune in to other people’s feelings by pointing out the facial expressions, posture and mannerisms of people in different emotional states. Some of the ways you can do this is by using pictures in children’s books or posters; describing the look on your child’s favorite TV character; or using a mirror and having your child show you her facial expression for different feelings (e.g. sad, happy, angry).

In relation to the plight of our habagat-affected countrymen, one could also show pictures of the victims as seen on the news (make sure these are age-appropriate) and point out their feelings as well. Talking about feelings openly will help our children (and us parents, too!) deal with feelings more positively and effectively.

 

2. Practice role-playing to emphasize the feelings of others.
Childhood is usually the best time to play “pretend,” so use this to your advantage. Take turns role-playing with your child and pretending that he or she is in this or that situation. Ask him or her to take the other person’s side and say, “How would you feel if you were in his place?”

Younger children may take to this more easily if you use props like puppets, dolls or toy action figures.

For example (again, in relation to the recent habagat disaster): Pretend that your child’s favorite toy is caught in a flood. If you have one of those play dollhouses, try submerging it in water, and place your child’s dolls and/or action figures on the roof. Have your child “act” out what the toys could possibly be saying and feeling. Join in and voice out your own imagined feelings, too.

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3. Ask your child to imagine other people’s feelings.
Help your child connect with the feelings of other people by having them imagine how others feel about certain special situations. You may want to start with people whom they personally know, then move on to include even complete strangers.

For example: Your child made a special birthday card for his cousin. Have him imagine how his cousin would feel upon receiving the card. Again, ask the question, “How will you feel?”

We can also use this when encouraging our kids to donate to the habagat victims: “Imagine our house was filled with flood water and we had to stay in a different place, and we didn’t have enough food. How will you feel?”

4. Praise your child for his sensitive, kind actions.
Dr. Borba says “one of the simplest and most effective ways of enhancing any behavior is by reinforcing the action as soon as it happens.” Thus, when we notice our children being kind and empathetic, we must let them know how pleased this makes us feel.

For example: “I appreciate you praying for the flood victims just now, and wanting to help them by giving away some of your clothes. It makes your father and me happy knowing that you care about others.”

5. Always ask, “How would you feel?”
When an opportunity arises, ask your child that question, using situations in books, TV, movies and in real life. For example: “The floods went into many people’s homes and a lot of them had to leave their houses. Look at this picture of them in this church. How do you think they feel?”

6. Use the “feels + needs” formula
In the book Bringing Up a Moral Child, authors Michael Schulman and Eva Mekler found that a good way to increase sensitivity in children is to ask them questions to help them discover people’s feelings and needs.

This means that we point out a person’s feelings to our children and then ask them to guess what that person might need in order to address the feeling.

For example:
Parent: Look at that little boy crying and wet in the evacuation center. How do you think he feels?
Child: I think he is cold.
Parent: What do you think he needs to make him feel better?
Child: Maybe he would need a blanket or some dry clothes.

You can then use this as a starting point for gathering relief items that your family could donate to the habagat victims. Actively involve your children in doing so. (It may be a struggle at first, but just keep at it.)

 

7. Talk about why insensitive or uncaring behavior is unacceptable.
During instances when your child displays insensitive, uncaring or apathetic behavior, make sure you let him or her know why that behavior is unacceptable.

Dr. Borba suggests we explain what concerns us about the behavior, and how we feel about our children’s uncaring actions.

For example, we can say: “I am concerned that you don’t want to share your things with others, especially with those in need, like the flood victims. Let’s try to consider how they are feeling now. In our family, we always treat others kindly and share what we can.”

Or, “Treating your sister that way is unacceptable. We expect you to treat her and other people the way you would want to be treated.”

8. Set consequences for uncaring behavior.
If our children continue to be apathetic and insensitive towards others’ feelings, we must set consequences for such behavior. Make sure though, that your consequences are meaningful and age-appropriate and “fit the crime.”

Most often, the best consequences for apathy and insensitivity are ways for the erring child to make amends.

For example, “You were mean to your friend earlier, so you are not allowed to play with him for now.”

You can also insist that your child apologizes sincerely to whomever it is he was being uncaring to.

9. Look for opportunities to volunteer (especially as a family).
What better way to teach empathy than by modeling it? At this very minute, there are countless ways you and your family can use your empathy for the habagat victims as a springboard for doing acts of kindness.

Of course, one should not wait for disaster to strike before volunteering. Instead, make volunteering and serving others part of your family’s way of life. You can start by doing small things like holding birthday parties for a cause, donating old books and toys, or maybe even sponsoring a child.

10. Leave a “goodness legacy” for your child.
Dr. Borba emphasizes the importance of cultivating empathy in our children. Leaving a goodness legacy for your child means we help nurture our children to have strong and caring hearts — something that is badly needed in a world that is full of violence, bullying and insensitivity. To quote: “It’s a gift that will keep on giving—your children will pass on to their children, and to theirs, and you’ve touched their future world.”

Just like everything else that comes with shaping our children’s behavior and attitudes, like teaching our kids to be grateful or how to behave in other people’s homes and other manners, or how to express emotions positively, each day may be full of challenges. What is important though is that we don’t give up. After all, our children’s futures and, perhaps, even the future of those around us, may very well depend on our perseverance.

Source: www.micheleborba.com

Photo by Pink Sherbet photography from flickr creative commons