Let’s face it: we all go through rough times. May it be financial difficulties, loss of a job, sickness, family conflicts, even calamities… these are realities we may find ourselves having to deal with. Whatever life changes these challenges may bring, it will most definitely affect the entire family.
For every parent, as much as we desire to make the world a better place to live in for our children, still we can never guarantee that life will always be smooth-sailing for them. In fact, it would help our children even more if we teach them early on how to deal with difficult situations.
Here are a few inspiring stories from families who went through rough times but managed to rise above the challenges together: a single-income family having to live with the in-laws, a family based abroad facing the realities of unemployment, and a couple having to deal with their child’s critical health condition.
Single-Income Family
Lawrence and Anna Quintero, both 34 years old, have two kids, Zamuel Andreo, 6, and Xandra Ysabel, 4. They are facing the tough challenge of family life as a single-income family. Lawrence, being the family’s sole provider is a Lay Missionary for his Catholic community. “Every responsible parent wants the best for his family,” says Anna, “and having 2 school-age kids is challenging with a single-income.”
Having been married for 7 years, it's often a challenge for them to strive to make both ends meet financially, so they had to resort to living with the in-laws for practical reasons. However, it also has its disadvantages at times. “As a young married couple, you want to start things together, but the challenge in staying with your in-laws is that there are some aspects wherein you cannot fully express what you want to do because it's not just the two of you,” says Anna.
In the midst of balancing their financial obligations and keeping a harmonious living relationship with the in-laws, their children remain their top priority. As parents, Lawrence and Anna believe that the best way to help their children through rough times is to make them feel loved and to teach them to appreciate that their life is "not less than the others".
What they fully realize is that challenges, like many realities of life, are opportunities to "make or break" a relationship. “I believe that as we go through these challenges, even if we have not mastered everything yet, we can make our relationship stronger, like building up the "muscle" in our family as we go through it!” proudly says Anna.
[previous|page|next]
Realities of Unemployment
For Art and Elle Los Banos, both 45 years old, working abroad doesn’t guarantee that life will always be comfortable. Based in Dubai, their family was not spared from going through hard times.
Their financial problems started when Art went into business in June 2009 as a PR consultant. But instead of achieving his target income, he was only generating half of what he used to get when he was employed. In January 2010, he was re-hired by his previous employer only to be terminated in July of the same year. From that time on, it was a struggle for Art to keep a stable job, even being terminated twice from 2 different companies due to the struggling economic situations in Dubai that time.
Losing his job affected their family finances. Elle’s job with The Filipino Channel continued to be stable, but it was not enough to sustain all their financial needs due to the high-cost of living in the country and other personal accountabilities. It came to a point where they didn’t have enough to pay all their bills, obligations and daily expenses, forcing them to sell Art’s car and forfeiting their down payment for a condominium unit in Manila. Paying credit cards and personal loans became difficult. On top of this, they had additional expenses to take care of for their extended families.
Their only son, Yuji, 14, understood their financial situation. “We used to eat once a month at Chili's or almost every weekend at Chowking. However, with the financial difficulties, even eating once a month at McDonald's became a luxury.” says Art.
On the other hand, Elle shares that, “What we lacked in material things, we showered Yuji with time, communication, and prayers.”
Art and Elle taught their son the importance of generosity. “We focused on highlighting to him the goodness and kindness of people and God, and their love for us.” They taught him to value helping others “so when you are in need, you'll get back what you have given, if not more.” We also taught him to appreciate the value of patience, understanding and hard work. They involved him in their prayers and plans so Yuji will be aware where they were headed.
Indeed it was a humbling experience for them that in spite of Art’s credentials and Elle’s connections, they had to go through a tough time with Art being jobless for several months, several times. Currently, Art is working as a Corporate Communications Manager for a company in Dubai, while Elle continues to work as an Office Manager-Program Coordinator and Dubai Correspondent for The Filipino Channel. On a positive side, the challenges made them stronger as a couple and as a family. Art and Elle have been married for 16 years.
“Don't let your financial difficulties break your relationship. You should use it to strengthen your relationship by doing simple things like walking together and watching TV together instead of going to the movies or eating out,” says Art.
Elle adds, “Tap into your inner strength, discover other hidden talent which you can use to aid you in your financial situation. Because of this crisis I learned to manage my time so I can work three jobs.”
[previous|page|next]
Dealing with a Child’s Critical Condition
As a young couple, Clarke and Cynthia Nebrao, both in their 30s and married for 6 years, probably went through the same difficulties every married couple normally had to face. But the one that tested them the most was when their 3rd child, Chino, was diagnosed with parachute Mitral valve defect at 9 months old. This led to further tests which confirmed his rare heart condition that afflicts only 5% of the population. He needed open heart surgery right away, and based on statistics, only 2% survive the first procedure.
“It was heartbreaking for me and my family. We didn’t know what to do and we were scared for Chino. He was just 9 months old.” shares Cynthia. But what scared them ven more was the reality check from his doctors that his chance for survival was not 100% sure.
But their son needed the operation badly. Clarke and Cynthia were asked to prepare at least 3 million pesos for the procedure.
Their two older children, Callista Malaika, 5, and Carmen Phylicia, 4, were still too young to understand but Clarke and Cynthia realized the importance of explaining to them what was happening to their brother.
“We had to explain in the simplest way possible what their baby brother is going through and why he is in the hospital for a long time. I remember telling them that Chino’s heart is broken and that the doctors need to open his heart and repair it, just like how Handy Manny (cartoons) repairs broken things so that it could work and function well.” says Cynthia.
The couple took turns in going home just to spend time with their other kids. They had to plan well to take them to the mall or eat out and tell stories. They also had to take turns in sleeping with them at least one day in a week. Somehow, they managed to juggle taking care of Chino in the hospital and their two girls at home. Of course, their parents were with them through it all.
As cliché as it may sound, what pulled them through was the power of prayer and faith in God. The love of their family and friends who supported them became their strength all throughout the one and half months at the hospital. Some organized fund-raising activities; others took care of their other children while they stayed with Chino in the hospital, prayer vigils were held by the Catholic community they belong to on the day of the operation. Anonymous donors came by the hospital and gave their support for Chino, some just read Chino’s story in the various social networks. Old friends reconnected and extended help.
“We realized that so many people love us and the years that we spent being a friend to others came back to us through the outpouring of love and support from people whom we have met, spent time with throughout our life,” Clarke and Cynthia reflect.
As a couple, it was during this most difficult time that they realized the importance of holding on to each other for strength. “This event in our life made us closer to each other and closer to God.”
With family, there is nothing more comforting than knowing that we don’t need to go through these difficult times alone. That’s why family relationships are important source of emotional strength and support.
But often, we adults get too pre-occupied with the problems we have to face that we tend to forget the emotional and sometimes, mental impact these situations have on our children. As a result, we neglect providing our children with the emotional security they highly need during these trying moments.
[previous|page|next]
According to Michele Santos-Alignay, MA RGC, a Registered Guidance Counselor and Parenting-Relationship Consultant (Love Institute), “In facing family crisis situations or difficulties, it is best to make children aware.” She further states that, “the big task of parents is to train our kids to be resilient and adaptable to whatever situation we have in the family. We have to teach them to handle their feelings well, to communicate with us anything that bothers them and develop their coping skills to go through these trying times.”
Let us guide and support our children through whatever tough challenges life has to offer with these suggested approaches:
1. Help yourself first in order to effectively help your children to cope. When we ourselves are going through stress, depression and frustration over what we are going through, chances are, we neglect to give to our children the proper emotional support they need. We need to be able to overcome our own fears and doubts before we can properly guide our children to do the same.
Avoid unburdening ourselves by “transferring” the burden to our children. This may happen when we give out too much information more than they can handle or affecting them with our own emotional stress, expecting them to support us the way any mature person would.
2. Discuss what your family is going through with your children in a manner that will best suit them.
Children are very sensitive and observant. They would instantly know if something may be wrong in the family. As parents, it is our responsibility to explain the situation and make them understand as much as they can.
The best way to communicate with our children is to use age-appropriate language and content. Some guidelines on communicating with them are suggested here by Santos-Alignay, who herself is a mother of 2:
For Preschoolers, we can tell them basic information, such as "Mom and dad have a concern with budget or Daddy has a problem in the office..."
For Grade schoolers, we can discuss with them the basic facts, but be open to ask them how they feel and what they think as of the situation, like, "We need to stay with Lola in the meantime, things will be difficult for us right now, how do you feel about this?"
3. Listen to your children and learn to be sensitive about how they may be feeling about the situation.
Children often express thoughts and worries through their play. So be ready to observe - listen and watch. Ask them how they feel. Parents have a way of sensing their child’s level of understanding. Respond to their questions as honestly as possible. Use simple words to explain. Be on the lookout as well for potential behavioral problems in our children. “Some kids handle such situations with ease, while others get really affected.”, says Santos-Alignay.
4. Keep your children emotionally secured. Although it is best to be honest with your children of what your family is going through, never fail to assure them that they have nothing to do with the concern. That as parents, you are doing your best to manage the situation. Try not to neglect their needs. Make sure to continue to take care of them in spite of your worries. Always be reassuring and optimistic and fill them with so much love and attention.
Santos-Alignay also advises that parents shouldn't belittle or dismiss the child's feelings. Instead, they should help their kids understand and be accepting of their own emotions and current situations. It should be the motivating factor for them to move on and cope with the family concern.
[previous|page|next]
5. Get involved in helping others. Teach your children the value of helping others by joining community, organizations and projects reaching out to the needy as a family.
Show them examples of generosity beyond the material and financial help, like sharing their time and talent to those in need. Helping others can boost their confidence, learn to respect others and find ways to deal with conflicts. Being part of a community that can be your support group in trying times will also widen your perspective and circle. The more we interact, the more chances we are given to grow as a person amidst the challenges we face in life.
6. Develop a positive outlook in life. Keep a mindset that these trying times are temporary. Seek to be happy in tough times by focusing more on our blessings rather than the problems we have to face. Strengthen your faith in God and believe in the power of prayers. A positive disposition will have a healthy effect on our children as well. Furthermore, feeling optimistic puts us in a better position to think clearly, plan better and seek possible solutions.
7. Teach your children to value simplicity. Let us not wait for difficult or rough times to teach our children to live simply. Even if we do have more than enough, it is still best to raise our children to appreciate and value the simple things life has to offer. This way, when the going gets tough, it will not be difficult for them to cope. Live a lifestyle that is fulfilling yet will not cost so much.
8. Make the most of the situation to strengthen family ties. Families who share strong bonds often find it easier to go through tough times. Keep your family schedules and routines as normal as possible, as this will make the children comfortable in the midst of trying times. Pray together as a family. Enjoy lots of family togetherness. Encourage teamwork in the family by working out simple ways to help out. Strengthen your partnership with your spouse by supporting each other’s decisions.
No matter how tough life is and challenging any problem can be, there is no better way to rise above any difficult situation than facing it together as a family. More importantly, in the midst of trying times, our love, care and assurance for our children should be bigger than any problem we have to face.
Thumbnail photo from powertochange.com
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod
