Manners: Teach Kids to Respect Other People’s Things

Let’s face it — raising respectful kids is not that easy. However, as previously mentioned in related articles on respect, manners and proper behavior, teaching our children good manners and respectful behavior is necessary, especially when they become adults. Also, whether we like it or not, how our children behave is an indicator of our own character, manners and attitudes.

When it comes to respect, we must not only teach our kids to be respectful in words, but especially in deeds. This includes taking care of and respecting other people’s things. Here are some ways we parents can help our kids do the latter:

1. Practice what we preach.
As in most things, our children learn from our example, so if we want them to respect other people’s property, we must model what behavior is acceptable or not.

For example, if you borrow something without asking, and your child sees you do so, he or she will think that this is acceptable behavior — even if you say that this is something he or she should not do.

In the same manner, if we take a certain item away from our children without telling them about it in a proper way, they will also think that this is acceptable. Even if our kids are young, we must speak to them respectfully, even if we are taking that particular item away as a “consequence” or “punishment” for something they did.

It would be best then to model the kind of respectful behavior we would want our kids to have. Always ask for permission when borrowing something and say “thank you” afterwards. When removing a certain item as punishment, explain to your child why you’re doing so, and tell him or her what he or she can do to get it back.

E.g. “Tim, I’m sorry but I have to take away your favorite toy now because you were not sharing with your sister. If you want it back, you must say sorry to her and learn to share your toys.”

When we do this, we show our kids that we still respect their property, even if they are being “punished.”

It may also prove fruitful for us if we teach our kids to ask permission when getting certain items, say, from the refrigerator or pantry. This way, we also avoid inculcating the “entitlement mentality” in them, something that brings about with it “a lack of appreciation for the sacrifices of others, a lack of personal responsibility and an inability to accept that actions carry consequences.”

When we teach our kids that everything is a gift or a blessing no matter how “underprivileged” they may feel, they can learn to be more appreciative and, in turn, more respectful of material things — whether their own or other people’s.

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2. Discuss and demonstrate.
If your child is old enough (though you can do this even if he’s not), talk to him about the importance of manners and respecting others. In words that he will be able to understand, explain that personal property is important to everyone. You can start by asking him how he feels about his favorite things like toys and books, and how he would feel if something happened to them.

Another thing you could do is to have your child list her favorite things, or draw them if she cannot write yet. Go through the list with her and ask her what she would do or how she would feel if this or that favorite item of hers was broken, lost or stolen. Tell her that other people, young and old alike, feel the same way towards their own things, and they would also feel bad or upset if something similar happened to their belongings.

Again, showing our kids the kind of behavior that is acceptable is crucial, aside from talking about it. We must demonstrate respect to them by also being respectful towards them, no matter how young they may be.


3. Emphasize empathy.
Teaching children respect goes hand in hand with teaching them empathy. After all, when our kids are able to “put themselves in other people’s shoes” easily and frequently, they would most likely think twice before grabbing or breaking something that belonged to someone else. Kids who can relate to how others feel would also be less likely to steal or lose someone else’s property.

In relation to this, we can also show our children things that are important to us and explain how we would feel (sad, mad, bad, etc.) if something happened to them.

Empathy, therefore, is something that should be emphasized when it comes to parenting our kids. Again, we as parents must first model empathy, so that our children can learn from our example.


4. Practice makes perfect.
Take advantage of your child’s play time to “practice” what he would do in certain situations or act out how she would feel or say during specific moments.

For example, if you are planning to have a play date or visit someone else’s home, play “pretend” with your child and remind him about what respectful words he should use and respectful behavior he should demonstrate. Say things like, “Let’s pretend we are going to Diego’s house. What if you saw a toy that you like and want to play with it? What should you do?” Then have your child act it out, as if he were in a play.

Take advantage of “down time” with your kids to remind them about the proper behavior when dealing with others, and, conversely, improper behavior, i.e. grabbing; not asking for permission to borrow; breaking; destroying; stealing another person’s things; etc.

Practice, practice, practice the right behavior and encourage our kids to do the same. Incorporating this practice in pretend play is one way to effectively teach our children.

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5. Apply consequences.
Should our children show disrespect towards other people’s belongings — by losing, damaging or (heaven forbid!) stealing and vandalizing them —we must set corresponding consequences (or punishments). These should be focused on making amends by doing certain things.

For example:
•    If your child damages his brother’s favorite toy, take away one of his own toys and ask him to make an apology card or letter for his brother.
•    If your child loses her friend’s book, she is required to “pay” for its replacement by “sacrificing” or giving up her allowance, or whatever amount is needed to buy a new book.


6. Magnify the good; correct the bad.
During the recently-held Family Congress 2012, Michele Santos-Alignay, MA RGC, a registered guidance counselor and parenting-relationship consultant at the Love Institute, mentioned this crucial point during one of the breakout sessions: “Parents should magnify the good (things that their children do). What gets attention, grows.”

In other words, although we should also pay attention to the bad behavior our kids exhibit, we should not focus too much on it. Of course, we must immediately correct what the child did and remind him or her about the need to respect other people, including their property. Repeated offenses and ignorance of warnings or corrections must be dealt with via the appropriate punishment or consequence.

Conversely, magnify your child’s good behavior and be on the lookout to “catch” her doing it. When you do, praise her for it. For example: When she asks permission from her brother before borrowing a certain item, tell her, “Good job, you’re being polite,” or “I’m pleased to see that you’re being respectful.”

Again, as in most parenting-related concerns, everything we do must have an end goal in mind. More than raising respectful kids, we must remember that one of our goals is to produce caring, compassionate and productive members of society — perhaps, even future “heroes” of our country— just by sowing seeds of respect for God, country and others in our children’s hearts.

 

Photo by Laurent T (aka thery_lg) from flickr creative commons