Mind Your Manners, Please Po!

Raising our children to be God-fearing, responsible, well-mannered, productive members of society is a great challenge - so great, in fact, that many parents feel intimidated, perhaps even scared, of the fact that their parenting skills (or lack of such) can and will have a profound impact on the lives of their children.

However, doing the above feat is totally possible, with a lot of prayer, guidance, discernment and practical wisdom from fellow parents. Here, we’ve asked some parents their thoughts on teaching manners and tips on how they do it. Read on to find out more.

Christine Arteta, a work-at-home-mom to Avienda, 5, says that the use of good manners is very important in their family, “even to us parents and to our helpers, not just to the kids.” “We encourage everyone to say ‘please,’ ‘thank you,’ ‘po’ and ‘opo,’” she explains further. “We teach manners in the home by explaining its use, and, most importantly, by example.”

Mommy Christine also shares that in the case of her daughter, Avienda, the use of the trademark Filipino terms “po” and “opo” is not a strict “must-do,” since she mostly speaks English. “But now that she is starting to learn Filipino, we stress to her that ‘po’ and ‘opo’ is how you should answer politely to anyone,” she adds.

“Again, we teach her by living out and practicing what we teach. From the start, we used ‘po’ and ‘opo’ instead of ‘oo’ to teach Avienda how to use the terms properly.” However, in their family, “yes" is still acceptable when answering in English.

If Christine is not strict on using ‘po’ and ‘opo,’ it is the opposite for the Filipino custom of “mano” or seeking our elders’ “blessing” by the laying of hands on our foreheads. “Getting Avienda to ‘bless’ or ‘mano’ is important,” she explains. “It is a very Filipino tradition that we all should be proud of. It is a very good and polite way of greeting others, especially the elderly.”
 
On the whole, Christine thinks that Filipino parents, including those based overseas with their children, should encourage their kids to learn these “trademark” Filipino manners, they being “…some of the best Filipino manners that we should pass on to younger generations. It is also one way of showing patriotism,” she expounds. “Anything that is good is worth sharing to the younger generation.”

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Jane Robles, a retired optometrist and mom to Fiona, 13, Lance, 11, and Ziane, 3, also believes in the importance of teaching manners to children. “It is very important because, for me, it is the benchmark of their character. People can see how kids were raised (by their parents) by the respect and politeness with which they regard others. That's why I always remind them to use ‘po/opo’ in their conversations.”

This is the case especially when it comes to speaking with elders. “I often cite the example of other kids (especially their classmates) who talk to me without using ‘po’ and ‘opo’ and I tell them what a bad impression these particular kids give me.”

“It's not that hard to teach them these things. My youngest child speaks English but she knows how to answer ‘opo’ when necessary,” she adds.

Mommy Jane makes it a point to affirm her children’s good manners whenever she can. “I tell them how their teachers would come to me and tell me how happy they are that my kids are among the very few who would use ‘po/opo’ when speaking to them,” she shares.

“I also show them comments by other online moms who post on my Facebook and Multiply sites about how respectful they think my kids are. I always emphasize that receiving compliments on their good character makes me prouder than hearing how cute or pretty or fashionista they are.”

Jane encourages other Filipino parents to teach their children to use “po” and “opo,” even if they live in other countries.  This way, “they can still show respect even if they don't know any other Filipino words; at least they know ‘po’ and ‘opo.’”
 
Susan C. Fabian, a clerk and mom to Faith, 4, and Cyrene, 22 months, agrees with fellow mom Jane on the importance of good manners and the common ¬¬Filipino traditions of showing respect. “It is our tradition to use these. Even early on, like when Cyrene was only 19 months old, she already knew how to say ‘opo,’” Mommy Susan beams. “It is good to teach kids to be polite ¬- when they talk to their elders, like their titas, titos and our neighbors, and they forget their ‘po’ and ‘opo,’ I remind them.”

“I also encourage and teach my kids to ‘bless’/’mano’” she adds. “I’m especially proud that Cyrene does it, even at a young age.”

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Kim Espartero, teacher and homeschool mom to four-year-old Enzo, has a slightly different take on this topic. “Good manners are very important and the best way to teach is to be a good example. Since Enzo already knows how to count, read and write, we are focusing on teaching him values and proper behavior,” Mommy Kim explains.

“My husband is better at encouraging our son to use ‘po’ and ‘opo’ when speaking to elders and to seek ‘blessings’ from his grandparents (by way of ‘mano’),” she goes on to say.

“I grew up in a household where members speak in English most of the time, and we weren't accustomed to ‘mano,’ since my parents and relatives preferred kisses on the cheek, handshakes or hugs. As a result, Enzo only does ‘mano’ to his paternal grandparents, some godmothers and godfathers,” Kim says.

“Regarding the use of ‘po’ and ‘opo,’ if Enzo speaks in Filipino and he is talking to someone older, he is aware that he should use these words of respect,” she adds. “However, we always remind him that no matter what language he chooses to use, his tone of voice, word choice, gestures and manners should always be polite.”
 
Like Kim, Mia Zulueta, a work-at-home-mom, says that good manners are “definitely important.” However, she is also quick to add: “But not all Filipino families use Filipino expressions — only because they express respect in other ways.”

Mommy Mia explains: “I grew up speaking English at home, hence, I was not used to using ‘opo.’ I must admit I had to get accustomed to using it when I was older. The same goes for referring to others in the third person like using ‘kayo’ instead of ‘ikaw.’ I also grew up using ‘beso’ as a way of greeting elders. The elders in our family and social circles did not like ‘mano’ because it made them feel old.”

On the other hand, Mia says that her husband is used to "opo" and "mano," so they are now teaching this to their two-year-old son. “Funny, though, when we visit my side of the family, they find it weird/interesting that our son makes ‘mano,’ and they feel that his kiss is special as he's not used to ‘kissing’ or ‘beso,’” she laughingly shares. “Oh, and you can tell who's really old in the family, they're the ones really uncomfortable with our son's ‘mano’!”

Myra Paneda, mom to Aia, 6, and Migui, 2, shares that she taught her children the "three magic words" at an early age. “They are trained to use ‘please,’ ‘thank you’ and ‘I'm sorry,’” she says. “When they want something and they forget to say ‘please,’ they are easily reminded (to say ‘please’) because Mommy won’t comply (to their request) unless they do so.”

“My children either speak straight English or straight Filipino (not ‘Taglish’), so sometimes they are not able to make use of ‘po’ and ‘opo,’ although sometimes they answer, ‘Yes po!’” Myra explains.

“Since children learn best by example, they tend to remember to make use of their ‘po’ and ‘opo’ when my husband and I use these terms when talking to them,” she adds.

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Mommy Myra also shares that although she did not grow up doing "mano" to her parents (because they didn't train her and her siblings to do so), they did train them to practice it with their other elderly relatives.

“In the case of my husband's family, it was the other way around. It was a big deal to them if one does not know how to ‘mano,’” she says. “So now, my children are taught to do ‘mano’ whenever they see their grandparents, titos and titas. However, for us (their parents), I only ask them to ‘mano’ after Mass.”
 
Myra adds that she knows two types of “pagmamano.” “On my mother’s side, we do the thing where we get the hand of the elderly and place it on our foreheads,” she explains. “On my father's side, we never touch our elder's hand, but simply bow, and they would place their hands on top of our heads to give us blessings. I had to brief my husband about that when he first came to my Lola’s place in Batangas.”
 
Cecille Villarosa, mom to Pio Noel, who is almost 5, agrees with Mommy Myra on the use of the “three magic words”. Also, since “I am turning 45 soon, and am from the era where ‘pagmamano’ is an important part of our lives, so my Mama reminds her grandchildren to ‘mano,’ in addition to kissing and hugging her.”

As to whether Pinoy parents abroad should teach their kids to do the same, Cecille believes that “it depends upon the Filipino family that left the country. For example, in our family, the grannies are happy (parang nasa Pilipinas sila ng nagmamano mga apo nila) because my nephews, who grew up in the Philippines and later migrated to other countries, still brought with them these Filipino traditions.”
 
Meanwhile, pro-blogger Mec Arevalo, who is a stay-at-home-mom to Iakob, 4, and Mikah, 1, shares her own thoughts on and tips for teaching manners.

“We teach our sons manners through imitation/modeling, with the hope that they will pick it up somehow. We also prompt them and, in some cases, we explain why something is not a good word to use. We also try to eat together as much as possible, as it provides a great opportunity for teaching and learning manners,” she says. “Hubby and I also try to be consistent in our behavior so the kids know that things are really done a certain way.”

“I really can’t say whether teaching our kids to use ‘po’ and ‘opo’ is difficult because they are still really young. We don't expect them to really remember its use, especially since they can still be respectful without using those words, and disrespectful even while using those words (e.g. my son shouting ‘kanin po’ at the table is disrespectful),” Mec shares. “We just make sure that whoever is assigned to talk to them in Filipino uses the words (‘po’ and ‘opo’) so they can pick up the politeness in their usage.”

Mec encourages Filipino parents everywhere to place emphasis on teaching good values to their kids, as this results in good manners. In her opinion, this is more important than using “po,” “opo” and “pagmamano.”

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Ineng Estrella, another stay-at-home mom, shares her own experiences and “nuggets of wisdom” from raising her kids, Lester, 22, and Jeff, 8.

“Manners are very important. As parents, we are the ‘mirrors’ of our children — we teach them to be kind and polite to the people around them, especially their elders,” she says.

Ineng also says that their family practices the “pagmamano” tradition, having started her boys on it when they were still very young. To this day, they always “mano” before they leave home and when they arrive from their whereabouts.

On the other hand, Maricel Cua, breastfeeding advocate, co-business owner of Medela Moms and homeschool mom to Lia, 6, shares that her daughter usually uses "po" and "opo" when speaking in Filipino and addressing elders (e.g. when talking to the house help, salesladies, etc.). “If she is speaking in English, we are more concerned with her tone, rather than the use of ‘po’ and ‘opo,’” she says.
 
Abby Sasscer, author and homeschool mom to Mia, 11, Ian, 7, and Elisa, 4, is a Filipina married to an American. She says, “Manners are always taught as a basic expression of love at home,” Abby shares. “For the lower grades, social studies are nothing but a study of manners at home. Our home is our first basic social unit. Respect within the home teaches respect within society.”

“Since my children are half Americans, they don't use ‘po’ and ‘opo,’” Abby discloses. “However, we do teach them manners and the use of ‘polite’ terms, such as ‘ate,’ ‘kuya,’ ‘please,’ ‘thank you,’ ‘excuse me,’ and ‘may I.’”

“We also teach them to say, ‘May I be excused? Thank you for the food,’ before they leave the table during mealtime,” Mommy Abby adds. “Part of good table manners, too, is getting up and clearing one's own place setting.”

On the Filipino custom of “mano,” Abby shares that it is not a family tradition for them: “Since my own grandparents have been in the US since the 1960s, they have always preferred a kiss on the cheek and a hug from their grandchildren. My parents are the same way with my children. They prefer a kiss and a hug and some cuddle time on their laps.”

The same is true for “po” and “opo.” “Since these words are not part of the English language, we've decided to add more things to our manners list,” she explains. “When Mama asks for something to get done, the expected response is ‘Right away, Ma'am,’ or ‘Yes, Ma'am.’ The children are trained that delayed obedience is considered disobedience.”
 
Having experienced being exposed to different cultures, people and traditions, Abby believes that not all Filipino parents should automatically teach their kids “po,” “opo,” and “mano.” “These are mere expressions of love and respect within a particular culture,” she says. “There are many other ways to teach manners, and expressions of love more fitting for my children's heritage (Filipino/French/English), therefore I don't require my children to do them.”

“I simply replace them with other ways of expressing good manners,” she adds. “They still use Filipino expressions such as ‘Ate’ and ‘Kuya,’ but the most important thing we're teaching them is what St. Paul wrote about love in 1 Corinthians: ‘Love is patient, love is kind, it is not arrogant or rude, love does not insist its own way, it is not irritable. In the end, there are three things that last: faith, hope and love and the greatest of these is love.’”

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Josette Urgino, another Filipino homeschool mom who is raising her children in the States, agrees wholeheartedly with Abby’s views. Though, their kids, Joey and Pax, are not half-American, she and her husband, Raffy, emphasize the importance of showing love, honor and respect, more than the customs of “mano,” “po” and “opo.” “They do ‘mano’ and Joey picks up our ‘po’ and ‘opo’ when we talk to our parents, though sometimes he'll use it when he's trying to speak in Filipino,” she adds.
 
For freelance writer and HR consultant Teresa Gumap-as Dumadag, who is also a homeschool mom to Gian Timothy, 3, and Hector Mateo, 3 months, she and her husband, George, decided to teach Gian to say “po” and “opo” and to ask for blessing through “pagmamano” because “it's part of our Family Mission Statement to pass on Filipino traditions to our children.”

Gauging from all these moms’ insights, tips and experiences, one thing is pretty clear when it comes to teaching our kids manners, and that is this: we parents play an important role in how respectful and courteous our children will be. Compassionate, loving, respectful and obedient children will, most likely, turn out to be compassionate, loving, respectful and obedient adults.

In most cases, it is the well-mannered, respectful, obedient and kind child that succeeds in life. In the words of Clarence Thomas, US administrator and lawyer, “Good manners will open doors that the best education cannot.”

Photo from flickr creative commons