Why I'm Not Raising My Daughter The Way My Military Dad Raised Me

Smart Parenting's PerSPective is our editorial team's take on the parenting and family issues today's Filipino families are facing. Through these opinion pieces, we as the country's leading parenting media brand hope to spark conversations and help fellow parents achieve our shared goal: to raise happy, healthy families.

A hardworking breadwinner, stern disciplinarian, and streetwise man.

It didn't take the whole intro song of Bluey for me to accurately describe my father, retired Police General Danilo U. Gaoiran. When Bluey's father, Bandit, was named in the song's roll-call part, an image of a strict yet passive, nineties sitcom Dad suddenly popped into my head. In more ways than one, General Gaoiran could easily fit that old-fashioned mold.

I'm not about to throw shade at my Tatay for a Father's Day article and then make amends in the end. His love for our family, his service to the country, is beyond question.

^{The author (left) with his father}

What I've set out to rethink is the traditional fatherhood style of his generation, and how it's the opposite of mine and the millions of modern fathers these days, including Bandit, who has actively shattered what was once a restrictive gender role.

The dishes won't wash themselves

Sharing chores and responsibilities is simply inescapable in our household of three with a tireless kindergarten girl named Dani.

On a typical day, when my wife Tzarina is done cooking breakfast, lunch, or dinner and our bellies are full, I often march to the sink, ready to take on the scrubbing and washing of the pots, pans, and dishes.

No one enjoys getting used to this habit, I must admit, but I've embraced the task to the point that I can sense a glass that's not squeaky clean or slippery oil stains on a dining plate. To top it off, I've also learned that some dishwashing soaps are harsh on the hands.

Send our family a few decades back in a time machine, and I might not even care about touching those dishes at all. Who would've imagined then that men would handle laundry as part of their weekly routine?

The impact of the economy on many Filipino families is one indicator of this trend. My wife and I grew up in our respective families with a caring househelp around, yet we chose not to bring in a helper of our own, in an attempt to limit our expenses.

"There are hundreds of ways fathers can show their hero qualities to their kids, and that includes being affectionate, vulnerable, and fun."

Another consideration is the nature of my work since it's mostly online. A stable home internet connection for my mobile and laptop is all I need to complete my tasks. Back then, my Tatay frequently traveled to different regions around the country to fulfill his duties, and these could stretch out for over a month.

Equal distribution of earning power

Most breadwinners back in the day were fathers, and many of them believed that sticking to one's work and climbing the ladder amounted to success. Anything that didn't fall into that category was seen as a risk.

That left my mother Tea to stay at home and look after me and my two elder sisters. A former military nurse, she gave up her position for us. It wasn't long ago when we looked back on this and thought she would have reached an equally high rank as my father had she chosen to continue in the military service.

^{The author's parents}

Nowadays, switching up these crucial roles has become more common. Dads stay and play while moms work for the family and thrive in their flourishing careers. It's not a blow to a man's ego, the way I see it, but a selfless choice of acting on what's best for the family.

A study conducted by The American Psychological Association on modern fathers showed that those inclined to provide caregiving to their children have high self-esteem, lower levels of depression and hostility, and can cope well with the major tasks of adulthood.

To join in all the quirkiness

Princess characters. Halloween costumes. Modern dads no longer shy away from the quirky kind of fun. Hence, they are more involved than ever in celebrating their children's birthdays and other milestones—beyond just providing the funds. I, for one, can surely attest to that.

Last year when Dani turned four, we threw a costume party since she's a huge fan of Ghost Spider, a character in the Spider-Man series. She dressed up as 'Ghostie' while I walked around the party area and greeted our guests as a gigantic inflatable pink bunny.

^{The author and his family}

I was not Iron Man, Captain America, or Wolverine, all heroic and strong options.

Why? Dani chose my costume. She loves how cute bunnies are and I will be the last person to spoil her excitement. This level of devotion and dedication is what I like to call putting on a "pink cape." There are hundreds of ways fathers can show their superhero qualities to their kids, and that includes being affectionate, vulnerable, and fun.

^{The author wearing a pink bunny costume at his daughter's 4th birthday party.}

In a way, my pink bunny costume resonates well with the many fantastic dads out there who transformed into fairy godmothers, fab mermaids, and other fun and exciting characters in the name of fatherhood. Mind you, it's not only for dad-daughter duos because boys also find excitement in video game characters like Super Mario or other Disney movies.

Looking back at my childhood, could I see my father showing this level of participation? Highly unlikely, but he arrived at Dani's birthday party like an eighties matinee idol. No surprise in that, considering his classic ways.

^{The author's dad and his daughter Dani}

Let’s embrace the fact that modern-day fatherhood is no longer just the traditional breadwinner or strict disciplinarian. Admittedly, I still take a page from my father's playbook of being street-smart, but in the most respectful way. After all, a father's clear intention is to promote a child's social and emotional development, whether it's a pink, blue, or rainbow cape he must wear.