Playdate Etiquette: 12 Reminders for you and your Child

When your child is invited to someone’s house, you can’t just expect her to behave as if she were at your home. This could possibly mean demanding to get her way, rejecting food she doesn’t like, or even ignoring the adults in the house. You’ll have to teach her the proper way to behave when she’s a guest in someone else’s home.

According to child psychologist Sabrina Tan, Ph.D., manners are part of good social skills which “build the foundation for children to develop friendships and engage in successful, positive interactions with others.” A child who knows how to socialize well and has proper etiquette will know how to “share his toys and play fairly with others,” explains Dr. Tan. “Moreover, good social skills elicit good feedback from others, so the child may receive praise and compliments, or experience the positive returns of healthy, happy relationships and interactions with others. In the long run, good social skills will greatly contribute to the child’s overall success [in life].”

Lessons in manners
Etiquette expert Lia Bernardo says the best way to teach proper manners is by example. “You need to practice proper manners at all times,” she explains. “Manners do not get turned on and off just because there are non-family members in the room. A child needs to be taught manners through practice and everyday deeds so he will naturally grow up being considerate of others. Generosity and consideration towards others really stem from how the children are treated at home.”  

Dr. Tan adds that you can also actively teach manners. “You need to spell it out for some children. You can use direct instruction by giving examples through stories or by reminding children of the appropriate manners or social skills as the situation is unfolding.”

Manners have to begin at home, says Christian So, dad to Micky, 6, and Becca, 2. “Even before my daughters visit someone’s house,  we set boundaries at home,” he says. “For example, they know what they can and cannot touch, which drawers they’re not allowed to open or need permission to do so.” This way, when his daughters visit other homes, they already know how to behave.

Lillian Urbina, mom to Enrico, 16, Zach, 10, and Chris, 5, is strict when it comes to teaching manners. “When I say something, I always follow through,” she says. “Following through is key to making sure your children learn manners and good graces.”

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Make sure to remind your child about these 12 points before sending her off to a friend's house:

1. Greet the parents.
Bernardo says that when your child is at a friend’s house, it is important that he greet his friend’s parents and introduce himself. “This is the polite and proper thing to do since he is a guest at their home,” she explains. “And whenever he returns to that friend’s house, he always has to greet the parents ‘Good evening,’ ‘Good afternoon,’ or ‘Good morning,’ as the case may be.” You can practice this courtesy of greeting grown-ups and introducing yourselves by role-playing at home. Greeting elders is very important to Lillian. “When I say, ‘Kiss Tita,’ my children have to do it. No excuses,” she says. “If they refuse, I firmly tell them they have to do it.”

2. Follow the rules of  the household.
Each home has its own set of rules. “Tell your children that when they are in someone else’s home, the rules of that household apply,” says Bernardo. Before visiting, find out what these are and discuss them with your child.  

3. Play only where you are allowed.
“The play area is set by the parents of the child hosting the playdate,” explains Bernardo. “Not all homes have playrooms and some parents only allow playtime in the garden, playroom, or bedroom but never in the living room or dining room.” Remind your child that he cannot just enter any room in the house. “I also remind my kids to always knock before entering a room,” says Lilian. “Going upstairs in a friend’s house also needs permission from the owner of the house.”

4. Play only with toys your friend brings out for you.
This lesson is reinforced in the So household because there are some things the girls cannot touch without asking permission first. They know that they belong to Mama or Papa. The same should apply at a friend’s house.

5. Respect your friend’s toys.
“It is very important that children are taught to respect things that do not belong to them and to ask if it is okay to play with something,” advises Bernardo. “Also, teach them to ask to borrow and to return borrowed items properly.” In the Urbina household, “the toys that each child receives is his own,” says Lilian. “If Zach wants to play with Chris’s toy but Chris wants to play with it too, Zach needs to ask permission from Chris.”

6. Treat the yayas with respect.
Sometimes, children are so used to having their yayas at their beck and call that they forget to give them due respect. Bernardo says, “Children must also greet the helpers and use polite words such as ‘please’ and ‘thank you.’”

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7. Behave at mealtimes.
“When you are invited to a meal, it is important to partake of that meal,” says Bernardo. “If your child has dietary restrictions or allergies, it would be a good idea to bring baon so you do not inconvenience the homeowners.”  Training your child to eat what is on the table starts at home as well. For Lillian, her boys must eat what is served on the table. “If you don’t like the food, then you could eat leftovers. But you cannot have new food cooked. And you cannot leave the table unless you finish your food.”

8. Do not criticize the food.
If your child really doesn’t like the food, don’t force him to eat. Teach him to politely say, “No, thank you,” and remind him to refrain from making comments about the food tasting yucky. Also remind your child not to look for other kinds of food or drinks that are not served on the table. For example, if your child is offered glass water, he shouldn’t ask for orange juice instead.

9. Do not compare houses.
Children have the tendency to compare and this is normal, but remind your child that it is not nice to boast that his TV or toys are better than his friend’s, as this may lead to a fight. The best way to make sure they don’t do this? Don’t be judgmental yourself because your kid will pick up this trait in an instant.  

10. Do not ask to watch TV.
Teach your child not to ask his playmate if he could watch TV -- especially if it is not being offered to him. As with toys, your child should only play with what is available.   

11. Pack away.
“It is very important to teach your children to pack away toys they have played with not only in other people’s homes but in your own home as well,” says Bernardo. This is something you must be consistent with at home.
 
12. Say ‘good-bye’ and ‘thank you’ to the parents, yayas, and your friend.
Explain to your child that he must never leave without thanking his hosts. This includes everyone in the house.

Practicing good manners must be a part of your family’s daily life. This is the only way your child will naturally exhibit them, no matter where he goes. Once it becomes second nature, Dr. Tan says you will have a child who “can interact with others successfully and build and maintain productive, positive relationships;” in other words, a joy to be around.

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When it's your child's turn to invite friends to your home, here are ten ways he can be a good host.

1. Always be ready and on time to welcome your guests.

2. Take them to your parents so they can greet them and be welcomed.

3. Offer your guests something to eat or drink.

4. Show them where the toilet or washroom is so they know where to go.

5. If there are any rules in the house such as no shoes in the playroom, politely tell your friends about them right away.

6. Take them to the play area and bring out the toys you want to play with and are willing to share.

7. If your friends want to play with something else, bring out another toy.

8. Share your toys. Be prepared for your friends to want to play with everything because they are all new and exciting to them. If there are toys you don’t want them to play with, put them away beforehand.

9. Don’t forget to thank your friends for coming and to take them to Mommy or Daddy to say good-bye.

10. Have fun!

 

Photo by Christian Halili