Raising Kids Abroad

It is a given fact - millions of Filipinos leave the country every year in search of “greener pastures.” This has been going on for quite some time now, and many of our kababayans or countrymen have even chosen to adopt their country of work as “home”. They get married there, raise kids, and for quite a few, retire there, spending their golden years in a land thousands of miles away from their native land.

Living abroad, especially BUILDING a family abroad, can be quite challenging. I say this based on my personal experience – growing up in Brunei with my OFW parents and three siblings, most people probably thought that we were spoiled in all things, and distant relatives usually had the misconception that we had lots of money to spare whenever we would come home for a vacation.

This was, however, far from the truth. My parents did their best to raise us to be responsible people – to study and work hard, do our own chores, extend helping hands to others, and most of all, to put God first in all things.

Now that I’m a parent myself, who used to be based abroad (my family and I were on mission in Timor Leste for 5 years), I can relate well to those families who are raising their children overseas. Here, other internationally-based parents share their experiences with us:

Sandy Livelo-Hernandez is an editor/publisher based in Singapore. She has been there for 19 years, and her children, Cody, 17; Nile, 16; Trigg, 10; and Ethan, 9 all grew up there. Sandy started working in Singapore as a technical writer. She went back to the Philippines for two years but eventually returned to Singapore after she got married and her husband, Mar, also received an offer to work there.
 
Their eldest son was conceived in Singapore but Sandy decided to give birth in Manila as she wanted her mother to be around. “The rest of my boys were all conceived and raised in Singapore!” she shares further.
 
Sandy says that raising her sons abroad has not been without difficulty: “Our biggest challenge as Filipino parents abroad is how we can impart to the boys the Filipino values that we uphold. There is also the challenge of letting them identify and keep a degree of their Filipino identity.”

It is also hard because, according to Sandy, “Singapore is a highly consumerist society and the children are always exposed to the latest gadgets, branded fashion and dining at its best. It was difficult, at first, to explain to them that they won’t be getting the latest and the greatest all the time. When they see their friends having the best of material things, they used to compare how we provide for them versus how Singaporeans provide for their kids. But we want to instil prudence in them.”

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Sometimes too, Sandy’s boys hear and learn foul words from their peers and attempt to use them in their vocabulary. “They initially reasoned out that they would be out of place if they didn’t use those words as well. But there is no compromise for me and my husband when it comes to good manners, and that includes language,” Sandy says.

“The boys were practically born and raised in Singapore, a culture quite different from the Philippines, and they will always have a strong affinity to this country – making it difficult to blend in right away in the Philippines once we decide to go back,” Sandy sounds off her apprehensions.
 
Of course, there are advantages to being a family based abroad too. Sandy enumerates the top three for their family:

1.    “They are more well-rounded because of the development opportunities they are given.”

2.    “They are more confident as they are exposed to different people of varying backgrounds.”

3.    “Surprisingly, they actually appreciate their Filipino heritage more because they are away from their motherland and they can see the beauty of their Filipino values, as well as feel proud about the achievements of the Filipinos who have excelled in their fields (for example: Manny Pacquiao, Charice, Shamcey Supsup, etc).”
 
Like most patriotic Pinoys abroad, Sandy and Mar try their best to instil certain Filipino values in their kids, particularly the following:

•    Respect for elders. They do the “pagmamano” to all their Titos and Titas.
•    They ask permission before going out and they inform me of who they will be with and where they will be going. They also let me know what time to expect them home.
•    Love of God and our faith. Prayers before meals whether they are home or outside. Regular mass attendance and for them (all my boys are altar servers or sacristans), regular mass service!

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They do this by teaching their kids at a young age. “My husband and I also set the example so that the values become second nature to them,” Sandy shares. “Hearing other parents, titos and titas praise them because of their sterling attitude, strong faith and positive outlook in life also made the boys realize that listening to us and obeying us was well worth it.”

Sandy is actually an exceptional example of a spouse and parent with unconditional love: her husband Mar has been seriously ill for more than 1 year as of this writing, so in a way, she faces double challenges as a “solo” parent, while caring for Mar as well.

Another mom based abroad, Roxanne “Roxi” Feliciano-Bornilla, shares their experiences as a family in Kuwait. Roxanne is now a stay-at-home mom, caring for her kids Juliana, 3; and Joaquin, 2. “In 2008, my husband got a job here (in Kuwait) as an engineer for the country's flag carrier airline. A year after, we were blessed to join him,” she shares.

“We have been abroad since April 2009. It was just me and our eldest at that time. After three months, I went back to the Philippines to give birth to our second child, since there were rumors that hospitalization and health care benefits in Kuwait aren’t that good, even if you practically have to pay the hospital nothing to give birth.(you only need to pay around P155 for a normal delivery and around P300 for a CS),” Roxi says.

Kuwait, being a predominantly Muslim country, is quite a challenging place to live in. “The biggest challenge is the cultural difference and maintaining a Filipino identity. The Arab culture is one I am not very comfortable with. They are so different, and sometimes scary,” Roxi expounds. “This uneasiness I feel towards them, I know, will unintentionally be passed on to my children.”

Being a staunch Catholic, Roxi also feels sad that her children will not experience the grandeur of the fiestas, prusisyon and pasyon during Holy Weeks, and other Catholic feasts. “Being in a Muslim country, even if we are free to practice our religion, it is still not the same way as we Pinoys celebrate it. Catholicism is our culture!” she exclaims.

Of course, there are always good things to consider when it comes to earning a living abroad. “My husband earns more here, so we are able to buy more comforts for us and our children. I can afford to just stay at home. Mas natututukan ko sila,” Roxi shares.

“We're also closer to each other. My husband comes home at 3 pm, so he gets to play with our children a lot. It also enables him to be a very much hands-on dad. Also, because we can't rely on anybody to look after our children, kami-kami lang dito, no maids, no extended families, we (and they) have no choice but to spend each and every minute with one another.”

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“I also like it that my children are exposed to a different language; they get to be multi-lingual (I hope). Someday, if they want to work in the Middle East, where the economy is so much more stable (we aren't taxed here, not a penny) they can easily communicate with others,” she says.

They do have to deal with certain difficult situations though, like discrimination. “Some parents here are not apologetic if their own kid does something bad to my children. Their reason is if we hadn't come here in the first place, my children wouldn't be their kids' `prey.’”

She goes on to say: “Also, a lot of the Filipinos here are in the service industry - domestic helpers, waiters, cashiers, mall sales staff, etc. Few Pinoys hold a white collar job. Some natives look down upon us. Some domestic helpers here are not even allowed to talk to other Filipinos.”

Life in Kuwait, according to Roxi, is also more expensive. “I always make mental comparisons of costs here and in Pinas. Dito, ang mura lang ay ang gasolina at kuryente. Thank God my husband earns enough and extra more to save for rainy days.”
 
Building strong relationships with relatives is also a challenge for Filipino families based abroad. “My children will be estranged to their relatives and cousins, compared to my husband and I, who are very close to our own relatives. Our cousins are our extended siblings. I feel sad that they won't be able to go play in the streets, dance in the rain or have sleep-overs with their cousins... Things we enjoyed while living in the Philippines,” Roxi says.

Despite being away from the Philippines, Roxi and her husband try to teach their children to use the Filipino language, especially the traditional Filipino way of being courteous by using "po" and "opo" when speaking to elders.

“To teach them the use of both Tagalog and English, I speak a sentence twice. First in English, then in Tagalog, or vice versa. Sometimes with my desire to use both the Tagalog and English language, I fall into speaking the dreaded `Kolehiyala Tag-lish,’” Roxi explains.

“Pagmamano is also one culture I'd like to pass on to my kids. But since not everyone here is Filipino, we don't get to use it as much. I let the kids "mano" to their dad when he arrives home from the office. We also do it after mass. When we go to other Pinoys’ homes, I let them mano to the Titos and Titas. But this gets tricky, because some Titos and Titas would prefer to be kissed on the cheek or "beso" or high five, because they associate "pagmamano" with much older adults,” she shares.

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Samantha “Sam” Catabas Manuel, another mom based in the Middle East, says their family has its own set of challenges, advantages and disadvantages.

As fulltime missionaries for the Couples for Christ (CFC) Middle East Regional Missions Office, Sam and her husband Noli have been abroad for 5 years, calling the United Arab Emirates as their “home away from home” (though they used to do a lot of travelling around the region).

Their only son, Miguel Joaquin, or “Mico,” was born in Dubai in 2008. “For 3 years, this (Dubai) has been his `home’, the country he has gotten to know and adapt to,” Samantha shares.

Actually, living abroad was not part of Sam and Noli’s initial plans as a newly-wed couple. However, the opportunity came when their Catholic community (Couples for Christ Global Mission Foundation) offered them a 2-year mission assignment to the Middle East. “From 2 years, extending another year then another 3 years, mainly due to the expanding and growing work which needed to be accomplished in the region,” she shares.

Sam says that living abroad with one’s kids has its perks. “I get to be a hands-on mom - not dependent on having "yayas" or my mom or any family member physically helping me out.  Getting a nanny here in the Middle East is very expensive and requires a lot of paperwork and legalities so most moms opt to be stay-at-home moms.”  

“As for me, since my job allows me flexible time and the opportunity to work from home, I personally - and sometimes when my husband has to be away on mission, single-handedly - take care of my son. I got to witness firsthand his development and milestones. I get to monitor what he watches and what he eats, and teach him proper values and discipline early on,” Sam says.
 
“We are also able to provide food and other basic necessities for our family, even if, economically, Dubai and the other Middle East countries were also not spared from the recession and the cost of living is also becoming higher,” she shares further. “Still, the basic needs are somehow easily affordable here. As parents, being able to provide for the needs of our son is our main priority.”
 
Much like Sandy and Roxi, Sam also says her child is blessed to have the opportunity to interact with other nationalities.  “It builds up confidence,” she explains. “My son doesn't care who he is playing with whenever I bring him to parks or other public places where he gets to interact with other kids.  Although his best buddy is a Filipino his age, he is confident to play with other nationalities as well.”

With these benefits also come some difficulties. “One of these is being away from our extended families (grandma, grandpa, uncles, aunts) who can support me in taking care of my son so I can also maximize myself more at work.  Plus the moral and emotional support they can give us, having them around to talk to for parenting insights. Even though we have friends and people from the CFC community around, I still miss the presence of family and the lack of opportunities for my son to build relationships with them.”

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Sam also says that since they are based overseas, they can’t expose Mico to the food and places in the Philippines, especially the beautiful beaches, exotic provinces, and yummy native delicacies. Also, schools which offer formation on religion and moral values are very limited locally (in Dubai).
 
Even so, this young couple teaches their son to "mano" to his elders, or kiss and hug his titos and titas. They also make sure that they fulfil their Catholic obligations, like going to Mass, and expose Mico to other Filipino families during special occasions.

Amiel and Jane Marcelo have a somewhat different story to tell. Both came to work in Brunei as single persons way back in 1996, and eventually met each other through the Singles for Christ community at their local parish. They got married in August 2000, and both their children, Ma. Jan Alexa (10) and Aaron John (3) were born there.

“We would say that the biggest challenge we face in raising Alexa and Aaron here would be instilling in them their true identity as Filipinos,since they are more exposed to the Brunei culture,” Amiel says.

Raising a family in Brunei has its advantages though. “It's very peaceful in Brunei,” Jane says. “The quality of education is also relatively good. Our kids learned to speak different languages easily, and they are also exposed to different cultures.”

The Marcelos, much like other overseas Pinoy families featured in this article, also struggle with the fact that their kids are not that in touch with their roots, family members and relatives in the Philippines. “The kids are also not so fluent in their own language, and are not able to witness or practice traditions in the family,” Amiel shares.

Just like Sam, Roxi and Sandy, Amiel and Jane want their kids to grow up to be respectful, polite, and hospitable. “We encourage them to use  po and opo with their elders, and constantly remind them that everyone, young or old, needs to be respected, and that being polite to others is a must. We do this by setting a good example, showing them the way we relate to others, and being hospitable to others as well.”

Indeed, raising our children abroad need not mean that we forget entirely our being Filipino. Take it from this author – who went abroad with her family when she was merely one and a half years old, did not have any formal education in Filipino and Sibika – yet loves being a Filipino and is proud of her native land. Just like most things when it comes to a child’s development, parents must make the effort to teach their children that being Filipino is a gift, and something to be proud of.

Mabuhay ang Pilipinas! Mabuhay ang mga OFW!

 

Photo from sxc.hu