Raising A Son On A Mission: A Single Mom’s Journey In South Africa

Jaykee Rodriguez is a medical doctor working with Doctors Without Borders. She is also a single mother. Here, she shares with Smart Parenting her experience of bringing her four-year-old son to her mission in South Africa.

“As long as my son and I are together, I can do it.” This is what I told myself when I decided to bring my four-year-old son with me to my mission in South Africa.

I am a medical doctor by profession. After I graduated from medical school, I joined the Department of Health’s Doctor to the Barrios program for two years where I felt my passion for public health growing.

My humanitarian work began with the Typhoon Yolanda response, working with an international NGO. After this, I started working for the international humanitarian organization Doctors Without Borders / Médecins Sans Frontières (MSF). To be honest, it was a rocky and painful learning experience. I realized how much I didn’t know, and how fast I needed to grow and cope. But it was also this moment in my life when I felt, “This is what I should be doing.”

I have my dream job, but things are not always easy. I am 40 years old, a widow, and mother to one boy, Eli. Being a single mother and a humanitarian is a balancing act in itself. But last year brought another big change in our lives: we decided to move to South Africa.

As long as we’re together

How could I make such a big decision, knowing it would be just me and Eli? It was difficult. I just bought our house in Manila, and we hadn’t even lived there for a full year. But I reminded myself that the house would still be there when we returned. In moving, I could go back to basics, to live only with what we need, with just Eli and myself. It felt like going on an adventure, with my son, and just with our backpacks.

Another factor is that my late husband, Eli’s father, is South African, and his grandmother is still in South Africa. I thought it would be good for them to be close to each other, and also good for us to move to a country where Eli would still have family with him.

I also wanted Eli to know that the world is bigger than our home, than Manila, than all the things he’s used to. I wanted him to know that there are many things to see and learn and experience. I loved all the learning I did when I was on missions, and I hoped to open Eli’s eyes to the same.

Most importantly, I thought, as long as my son and I are together, I can do it.

"I want to make sure my son sees and understands the principles we live by, and that he lives with the same empathy and inclusivity and value for human life I strive for."-Jaykee Rodriguez

Preparing for a long journey

South Africa is so far from the Philippines. Once I made my decision, I was very anxious about the long journey. I did a lot of research on flying long-haul with toddlers.

I also spent several months telling him we were going to Africa. Sometimes I even used it as motivation. By the time we left, he was also excited, although I don’t think he fully understood that distance.

Once we reached our new home, he didn’t want to leave.

Living and working in South Africa

I am the Project Medical Responsible (PMR) for Doctors Without Borders’ project in Eastern Cape, South Africa. The project is focused on improving access to and quality of care for people living with chronic diseases, specifically hypertension and diabetes, and especially in the hard-to-reach rural areas of Eastern Cape. This project supports partners like the South Africa Department of Health, community-based organizations, and local communities, in implementing and improving their health programs.

After we arrived in South Africa, whenever I felt overwhelmed, I would tell Eli, “Let’s just go back to our old home, Eli, I don’t think we can make it.” He would tell me, "No mama, I don’t want to go back to our old home.” He loved the place, and the friendly people he met.

During our first week, I didn’t have a nanny, and so I had to take Eli to work. He was hyperactive and very naughty, but I was lucky to have colleagues who were very happy to play with Eli. When I had meetings, they would take him to the shops and the grocery. Sometimes I would find him sitting in other offices, watching from my colleagues’ phones. They said they are happy with Eli because although he is quite active, he doesn’t cry a lot and is very chatty and happy.

For about five months, we were living with a colleague in a staff guesthouse, so he had a kuya at home. We were very lucky, because my colleague was also a family man, and he understood our struggles, so sometimes he would take Eli and play with him so I could cook or do my chores.

Because we were in the guesthouse, we would regularly have other Doctors Without Borders staff stay with us while they were visiting the project. Eli was so happy to have other people in the house, to have many encounters with different people.

Eventually, we found a nanny. My typical day would be leaving the house a little before 8am, when the nanny arrives. Some days, leaving was easier and my son would let me go happily, but there were days when it was difficult for him. In the office, I would be in meetings with my team and coordinating with partners, developing or reviewing documents and tools, looking at and reflecting on different resources and inputs to better improve our support to the partners. There were many days also spent in the field, and in cars on rough roads but with breathtaking views, just to get to the clinics and villages we support, and to understand the context and the difficulties of the population we serve.

In the afternoon when I get home, the nanny would leave, and it would just be me and Eli in our house. Since we moved to South Africa, Eli became more independent. I would try to take time to play with him for a little bit in our backyard, where he can run and pick up rocks and twigs, then he would play by himself indoors or watch TV while I prepare our dinner. We eat together, and I tell him to play again while I clean up and do dishes, and then we prepare for bed. Eli is very sweet and wants lots of cuddles and kisses before going to sleep.

Thriving and adjusting

We stayed for six months, and I think he liked it very much. It was winter, and he loved the cold, as well as the big open spaces. He loved the people; from the moment we landed, he chatted with people everywhere. He is naturally very friendly and so were the South Africans we met, so it worked very well for him.

To be honest, I think the one who needed adjustment was me, while Eli just breezed through the changes in our circumstances. We also found a small Filipino community in Butterworth, and they helped us immensely.

Of course we missed our family, but we would try to talk to them several times a week if not daily. In case I needed to bounce some ideas or make decisions, I always called my mom or my siblings.

Changing perspectives and priorities

Since I became a mother, there has been a profound shift in my perspectives and priorities as a humanitarian. I now understand more deeply the bond between mother and children, and I cannot fathom how parents must feel when crises break apart or separate families. I learned that life is more than work, no matter how important work is. There is now a human being who depends on me. It is very hard because my job is very demanding, and I am supposed to lead the team.

Previously I was always very stressed and sort of neurotic about work. Now, being a parent and having other priorities, I am actually able to better manage issues at work, and in turn I see challenges differently. I am also more aware of the privileges I have, even as a single mother. I am well supported by my family and by my organization.

I think being a humanitarian has made me very conscious as a parent: about how my actions and words affect my son, about the ideas and beliefs of other people around my son. I want to make sure my son sees and understands the principles we live by, and that he lives with the same empathy and inclusivity and value for human life I strive for.

I feel it is a bit early in the experience to give any advice, but perhaps what I can say is to follow your heart. You will read many things on how or where to raise kids, what is good for them, but it is up to you to weigh the pros and cons of this type of living situation, and only you will know when things are detrimental to the well-being of your kids.

Every day I question my choices, and I wonder how what I am doing is going to affect my child. I am encouraged by the fact that he remains very sweet-natured, and he shows genuine affection for others.

There are always trade-offs. I could have chosen to stay in my previous job, and continued the life we had in Manila. But I felt stuck, personally and professionally, and I felt it was time to go out and discover more of the world–this time with my son. Fortunately, I have a very curious, happy child by my side.

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