Career Moms: 3 Tips on Dealing with Separation Anxiety and Guilt

Photo from huffingtonpost.com

This article was updated on January 4, 2015

Parting is no sweet sorrow, but a painful struggle for a mom who tries to get dressed for work while her preschooler tugs at her skirt or her toddler wails and flails his arms in all his efforts to make her stay. A daily dose of guilt is a bitter pill to swallow, but something career moms are sometimes forced to contend with. Does going to work really have to be an ordeal or are there ways to make your child understand the job you need to do outside your home?


“Mommy, don’t leave!”
Head of Contact Center at a telecommunications company, Rachel Cachuela, says daughter Annika, now six, used to question her whenever she’d get ready for work. “When she was in nursery, she used to ask why I had to go to work and leave her,” she recalls. “Sometimes, I think about just being absent from work to be with her, but you know it’s something you have to do.” Cachuela knew her daughter was then still too young to understand why she needed to work, so she just made it a point to come home early to spend more time with Annika.

Emergency consultant Perie Adorable-Wagan, M.D., found herself in a similar predicament when her son, Prince, now three years old, would go through bouts of crying in the mornings. “When Prince was only 18 months old, it was hard for me and Allwin to leave for work. He was always crying, naglulupasay, naghahabol talaga. It broke my heart each time we’d leave him crying and chasing after us. He couldn’t understand why we had to leave him. Sometimes, we would change clothes in the other room, because if he wakes up, he’d start clinging to us and would not allow us to put him down,” she says.

 

Redirecting and transitioning
Explaining to a child between the ages of one to three years may not be the way to go since he is not yet developmentally capable of understanding the concept of work. Redirecting his attention and transitioning may be your best alternatives, suggests Mayang Sision-Pascual, trainer/facilitator and executive coach/pastoral counselor at Integrative Learning International and Center for Family Ministry; Regeneration, Wellness and Care Foundation in Quezon City. “There is no one fool-proof way in dealing with a child’s separation anxiety. Kids deal with it differently as their temperament dictates; and temperaments could range from fearful to feisty to flexible.

A lot of moms employ redirecting - diverting a child’s attention to a more interesting activity than seeing Mommy leave the house.”

Appeasing Prince by giving him activities he enjoys was something Dr. Adorable-Wagan learned, soon enough, works. “What we did was to direct his attention to other things like turning the TV on and switching to his favorite channel. When that no longer worked, we thought of unwrapping his gifts that were unopened during his second birthday. Our yaya would bring him upstairs to open one gift a day each time my husband and I would leave. When all the gifts were opened, we thought of another strategy. We asked his yaya to bring Prince along with her while she did the grocery. It worked until he was two years and six months old. That was when the crying spells stopped,” she narrates.

Sison-Pascual says another way to deal with your tot’s resistance is by helping him pick up on your work schedule early on. And that takes practice! “Transitioning or ‘practicing’ your child for the morning leave-takings and creating a departure ritual neutralize the anxiety-causing event for the child.” While practice may not make a perfectly tear-free tot, it helps him break in and gradually get accustomed to your routine.

“Moms and kids can make up a communication device - hand signals and non-verbal cues that go with the speaking - that will help children to sense and figure out what will happen next, and to expect it if it’s done with consistency. You can play a particular music that signals you’re about to leave - this will help prepare him.” This aims to get your child used to hearing your voice and seeing your face at certain times of the day, Sison-Pascual explains.

According to Moira Bunyi, who has a Master’s Degree in Family Life and Child Development and is a preschool instructor at the Terrific Tots program at The Little Gym in Mandaluyong City, even moms who have just given birth and are planning to go back to work after the maternity leave can start practicing with their babies.

“If you know you’re going back to work soon, you could already prepare your child a week or two before going back to work by setting up a routine. Let’s say, you have to leave at 7:45 a.m., and you get up at 6 a.m. If your child is already awake by then, spend breakfast with him and talk to him. Even if he can’t talk just yet, he’d understand by the tone of your voice and by the way you’re dressed, with your bag ready. While eating breakfast, you can say, ‘I’m going to ride the car.’ Give a narration of what’s going to happen leading up to the event that you have to leave for work.” Sison-Pascual adds, “Once you’ve established a routine of leaving and connecting and coming home, especially if you bring home interesting stuff for him, then your toddler would equate your leaving home with something he can anticipate and be happy with when you come home.” Dr. Adorable-Wagan shares that bringing home her son’s favorite pasalubong - white chocolate - is indeed a recipe for success!

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Feeling guilty
When Annika was three, it was doubly hard for Cachuela to take on the night shift for her previous job. “I would always feel sleepy. She’d ask my mom why I’m always sleeping. She’d draw a house with all the family members including the dog, and I would be sleeping in it!” Though she laughs about it now, she admits it was something painful to go through. “If given a choice, I’d rather be a full-time mother—but at this point, there really is no choice. But knowing that I’m doing this for her helps,” she shares in all honesty.

The struggle of working moms with pangs of guilt is culturally ingrained, according to Sison-Pascual, “It comes from a deep-seated belief system that mothers ought to take care and be with their children especially when they are very young, impressionable, and imitate adults indiscriminately.” Bunyi goes back to society’s expectations of a mother’s role in the family. “There’s the standard that in a family, the one who is expected to work is the father. But sometimes, due to the need, the mom also has to work. The first struggle she goes through is the expectation that she has to stay home. If the child grew up in an environment where Mommy has always been working, it may not be there. But if the child’s peers have stay-at-home moms, then the child can grasp this concept already. So, with that expectation, it’s already hard for her to begin with,” she states.

But there are many reasons why mothers choose to work. Pascual cites, “Sometimes, it is not about making ends meet. It can also be to keep their sanity! Another reason may be that a person’s self-worth is inextricably tied-up with, and their person defined by, the work that they do. But mostly, mothers need to deal with the economic reality of the times, and it demands that they work alongside their husbands, unless of course they are willing to deal with the other reality of not making ends meet in order to be with their child.”


Overcoming the guilt
According to Sison-Pascual, reframing certain beliefs is key to alleviating feelings of guilt about leaving your children at home in the care of others. “As they say, it takes a village to raise a child. As long as children are left with capable and loving caregivers who are trained by their mothers to follow certain rules and routines, and as long as parents get to spend - at the very least - 20 minutes each of undivided attention with their kids when they get home, then they have nothing to worry or be guilty about,” she assures.

In the case of Dr. Adorable-Wagan, part of her job is being on call or on duty at unexpected hours. “I can’t do anything about my duty. The time that I’ve lost with my kids, my husband compensates for. Do I feel guilty? Yes, most of the time. To overcome it, I would look around the emergency room at all the patients who need my service, and thank the Lord that my kids are well and healthy, spending precious time with their dad,” she relates.

Bunyi emphasizes the importance of a mother’s need for finding self-fulfillment, whether through staying home or working. “If she’s secure with herself, and it makes her happier to work outside the home, it could be explained so that it’s not so much of a burden for the mom to be leaving the family for work.”

Sison-Pascual says it’s really about finding and maintaining that balance. She continues, “Consider that family and work are not like oil and water which do not mix. They are not enemies. Work Life and Family Life support each other and is one life—yours. Work enables you to create the kind of life you love for yourself and your family. There is something at work for you that fulfills a personal need and a family need.”

 

Ready to see the big picture
With children ages four to six who start asking more questions than you’re prepared for, their entry into the world of preschool enables them to see similarities between going to school and going to work. Here are some ways that moms found effective in explaining the concept of work:

1. Liken office work to “school work”.
Sison-Pascual explained to her child that while they are learning so much and having fun through play, such as reading and writing and being with other kids, Mommy also does a lot of things with other people that she enjoys and makes her happy. The only difference is that she gets paid for it while she pays for you to go to school!”

This is true for Annika who compares her mom’s trip to the office with going to school. “She once asked me what my favorite subject is, and if I found math difficult! When I get home, she’d ask, ‘Mommy, did you have a hard time doing your assignment?’ When I check my e-mail, she’d ask me if that was my assignment. That’s her concept,” says Cachuela.

 

2. Bring your child to your workplace.
Cachuela says, “She knows where I work. Pag dumadaan kami doon, I point out the building to her. I bring her to company activities that are family events. She knows my office and my officemates because sometimes they also go to our place, so nandoon yung connection.”

With Prince, though he does not understand the concept of work yet, Dr. Adorable-Wagan says he nods in recognition at hearing the word, ‘office’. “My husband has brought Prince several times to his workplace. So, every time we say, ‘Mama and Papa need to go to the office,’ he’d just nod and even reply with, ‘Ingat, see you later!’” she grins.

Showing a child where Mommy goes when she leaves for work may considerably cut the countless queries. Welcoming him into the workplace whenever possible gives him a clear picture which you both can refer to when you talk about your job. ”Bring your child to your office and expose him to where you are, so that he has a picture in his mind when you call him. He can take a picture of it, or you can take a picture of him in your office and he can show it off to his friends. Sharing the experience with your child makes his understanding complete,” says Bunyi.

 

3. Do some role-playing.
Dramatizing through play makes preschoolers aware of your role at work in a fun-filled way. “Have your child wear office clothes and tell him how important you are in that office. You can relate it to being a part of a family: You have your family, you are important in the family—you are the mommy or the daddy, you’re the one who provides the food. When you’re in the office, you can also relate it to being part of an office family as a boss or an office member. Then show him the things that you do. This way, your child understands that at home you have a role, and in the office, you have a role, too,” says Dr. Adorable-Wagan.

What would be a more interesting way to explain being a doctor than to let your child pretend to be one! “Sometimes, I’m the patient and Prince is the doctor. He would place the stethoscope on my chest or on my back. He also sees me at work when my husband brings him to the emergency room. While he has his checkup, he sees me attending to other patients,” she adds

 
Making up for lost time
Doing chores together has become a bonding moment for Dr. Adorable-Wagan and Prince. “When I come home from work, we spend time doing simple things like washing the dishes together, even if it would take longer doing the chore with him around. We wash and clean his toys together.”

Cachuela recalls how she made it a point to extend her waking hours each time she came home from her night shift just to play with her daughter before she left for school. Though she now works the regular daytime hours, she still makes sure she goes home early at least twice during the work week.

One-on-one dates with your child are essential, according to Bunyi. “Try to set at least one hour once a week with your child. These dates don’t have to be expensive - you don’t have to go to the mall or watch a movie - you can just go to the park on a weekend, or if you still have time, when you get home after work. Just fit it into your schedule, and be consistent. So your child knows, for instance, that Wednesdays are his time,” she says.

If budget allows, going on a trip with the family, away from the daily grind, is an exciting opportunity to spend uninterrupted time with your child. “Planned vacations are essential to every family. On your calendar year, plan it on the days you’re free to really devote them to your family, to your kids. Have them look forward to it. Make it more special than other holidays that you get to miss. Mark it on your calendar, and make a countdown so they know that you are really preparing for it and that it’s something that was planned because you want to be with them,” recommends Bunyi.

At the end of the day, it’s not merely a matter of making up or catching up, but ensuring that your child learns to understand and deal positively with the reality of having a career mom. Sison-Pascual concludes, “When a child is creatively engaged in play, has a good routine going, and is consistently supported by various family members or relatives and relates with other children throughout the day, he will grow up a happy and confident child. He will eventually learn to deal with a mother’s comings and goings as part of growing up.”



Sources:
•    Mayang Sision-Pascual, trainer/facilitator and executive coach / pastoral counselor, Integrative Learning International; Center for Family Ministry; Regeneration, Wellness & Care Foundation, Quezon City
•    Moira Bunyi, M.A., Family Life and Child Development, University of the Philippines, Diliman, QC; Instructor at Terrific Tots, The Little Gym Pasig-Mandaluyong


Photography by Jay Tablante