You simply adore your tot but his irritating behavior is driving you crazy! According to Rosette Robles-Palmario, preschool teacher at The Little Gym Terrific Tots Preschool in Pasig-Mandaluyong, these behaviors are usually part of a phase kids go through. Most often, it may be due to how the child may be feeling at that particular moment. She says, “Being bored, stressed, sleepy, hungry, or frustrated, and finding ways to calm and soothe themselves can bring out these kinds of behavior.” As your child develops a sense of awareness of his environment and begins to explore, environmental factors may also come into play - the things he sees, possible exposure to aggressive behaviors, or in extreme cases, to violence or abuse. Even a low self-esteem may give rise to attention-seeking behaviors, she adds.
A child’s point of view
“Such behaviors usually emerge at two years old. During this period, according to Piaget’s Stages of Cognitive Development, children are pre-operational in thought,” says Ruel Solitario, occupational therapist at Clinic for Therapy Services Adult and Adolescent Section of the University of the Philippines, Manila.
According to Solitario, “It is at this stage of psychosocial development when self-control and self-confidence are emergent. However, this need to develop control is sometimes mishandled by parents resulting to struggle and eventually temper tantrums.” While not every child may go through this phase, Robles-Palmario points out that these kinds of behavior should be addressed if and when they occur. “We should observe and assess these behaviors cautiously so that they will not get used to them and carry them on to their adolescence,” she says.
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Addressing the annoyance
Robles-Palmario and Solitario give tips on how to turn irks into improved behavior:
1. He always interrupts your adult conversations.
Robles-Palmario suggests saying the following to teach your child to wait for his turn:
“It’s my turn to speak. When I am done, it will be your turn.”
“It’s time to use your listening ears because it is my turn. Please listen patiently.”
Set specific rules such as answering his questions only after you finish talking, says Solitario.
For your child to abide by these rules, he gives these tips:
• Be consistent.
• Ignore his interruptions.
• Do role-playing to practice appropriate behavior during actual social situations.
2. He always loses things and expects you to find them.
Designating an area for his things is always a good start, according to Robles-Palmario. Teach him organization by reminding him to keep his toys within his space. “You may sing songs when you look for things for the first time, but emphasize that you are helping him. Remind him gently that he has to learn to keep his things so when he wants to use them again, he would know where to get them.”
Motivate him to be responsible for his things. “Praise organization and memory, and refrain from getting angry when he forgets something,” says Solitario.
3. He’s normally well-behaved around you, but turns obnoxious once he’s in front of other people (ex. he screams, repeats everything you say, etc.).
“Your child may be well-behaved around you and act another way with others due to his unfamiliarity or excitability seeing new people or being in a new environment,” explains Robles-Palmario. When going to a new place or meeting new people, she suggests the following:
• Psyche him up beforehand by letting him know what to expect - where you will go, what he will see, who he will meet, etc.
• Remind him to use his “gentle voice” whenever he speaks.
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4. He ignores you and your requests; he does not listen to you and pretends not to hear you.
Modeling is first and foremost. Solitario says, “Be a good listener to your child.” He also cites the importance of maintaining eye contact whenever you speak to him, and decreasing environmental distractions, such as noise. For Robles-Palmario, maintaining a close distance when making your request is necessary. “Call his attention when you are in front of him. Avoid raising your voice. When you do, the tendency is for your child to copy you,” she says.
5. He says bad words, has a potty mouth, and uses words inappropriately.
Solitario provides the following guidelines to help develop your child’s language skills appropriately:
• Set an example for your child. Children tend to imitate whatever they see or hear.
• Discuss what words mean.
• Provide examples of good humor.
• Monitor TV programs.
• Refrain from using severe punishment for bad words, as this will just drive him to learn how to avoid getting caught.
• Praise the use of appropriate language.
Outgrowing it
“Some behaviors gradually fade away as kids mature socio-emotionally,” assures Robles-Palmario. “However, if behaviors are recurring, we should address it. If the behaviors are extreme and carried on until the age of five, we want to advise the people concerned to consult a specialist,” she says.
Nipping it in the bud by reacting appropriately in situations where your child displays vexing behavior is the best course of action, recommend both Robles-Palmario and Solitario. “If behaviors are addressed properly, kids will be able to decide for themselves if they are doing the right thing or not. This enhances their independence, critical thinking and decision-making,” says Robles-Palmario.
Solitario adds that parents are always the first line of intervention. “When their efforts don’t seem to work, and the inappropriate behaviors are impeding learning and independence, formal intervention must be sought.”
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Moms’ success stories
Real moms share how they effectively handled their child’s “irritating” behaviors:
“Gabby hated having his teeth brushed. It was really very frustrating for me, but it was short of torture for him—he would scandalously shriek when we would hold him down to brush his teeth! I read about the benefits of distracting kids so I tried applying it, and asked him if he liked getting bitten by ants. He gave me a loud ‘No!’ I told him that if he didn’t brush his teeth, it was like inviting the ants into his mouth. I had to use some of my ‘best actress’ skills here, gasping about how I thought I saw some ants on his teeth. He grabbed his toothbrush and handed it to me so I could help him brush his teeth and ‘get rid of the ants.’ Sometimes, it’s better not to fight him and just find ways to distract him so he works with me instead of against me.” - Lea Reyes, mom to Gabby, 3
“My kid sulks and makes a dramatic display of his bad mood when he doesn’t get his way. Although it’s annoying, the best way for me to handle it is to not overreact. I tell him that he can talk to me when he’s ready, and then I walk away. Scolding will just give him the (negative) attention he wants.” - Jennifer Reyes, mom to Sofia, 12, and Jose, 4
Get help from these books and movies that encourage appropriate behavior through stories your child can relate to:
1. Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak
A mischievous boy, Max, sails off to a faraway land where wild creatures live. He finds their mischief too much, misses his mom, and decides to sail back home.
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2. I Just Forgot by Mercer Mayer
Little Critter forgets what to do each day. Even if he tries hard, he still forgets his things and always finds himself confused and mixed-up.
3. Excuse Me!: A Little Book of Manners by Karen Katz
Preschoolers will certainly enjoy this simple and repetitive lift-the-flap book which teaches magic words to use in different situations.
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4. Curious George
A movie about the adventures of a playful little monkey who often gets himself into trouble, but is always patiently rescued by a man in a yellow hat who becomes his friend.
5. Madeline’s Best Manners
A movie adaptation of the children’s book series about a French girl who learns about etiquette
and the proper way to behave around others.
Resources:
• Rosette Robles-Palmario, preschool teacher, The Little Gym Terrific Tots Preschool Program, Pasig-Mandaluyong, M.A. Special Education Candidate, De La Salle University, Taft Ave. Manila
• Ruel Solitario, occupational therapist, Movement Matters Therapy Center, Q.C., Speciabilities Development Center, Q.C., Clinic for Therapy Services Adult and Adolescent Section, University of the Philippines, Manila
Photo by Johan J. Ingles-Le Nobel
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