How to Talk to your Kids without Using Words

If you’re a parent — especially of young kids — you’ve probably found yourself doing any or all of these at one point or another:

• Rolling your eyes when your child asks you a question for the nth time;

• Placing your arms on your hips when you’re trying to get your point across;

• Straightening your body in anger — complete with raised voice — when your child disobeys you; 

and so many other ‘actions’ with your body. The thing is, most of the time what we do and not what we say is what our children remember most — so the way we ‘talk’ to our kids without using words, i.e. non-verbal communication, is very important.

 

What communication really is about

According to Ben Ampil, motivational speaker and US-certified Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, children have a limited “range in choosing more resourceful or beneficial ways of interpreting (in NLP jargon, ‘coding’) their experiences because of their youthfulness.” Their ability to choose how they language themselves and others is also limited. Thus, Ampil says, “It would be up to the parent, who is the adult, to guide the child into better ways of engaging in conversations and in reacting to life experiences.”

Ampil shows just how important body language is when we communicate with others: “Research used in NLP has shown that the entire communication experience consists of Words accounting for 7%, Tonality 38%, and Body Language 55%.  “Hence, communication is actually 93% non-verbal,” he emphasizes. 

Ampil states that “congruence” is vital to communication.“Congruence is the situation when all of a person’s beliefs and behaviors are in full agreement and oriented toward securing his desired outcome. Consequently, his words, tonality, and body language would give the same message,” he explains.

Ampil cites this example of an incongruent communication message: When you say the words “I love you” in a rather harsh tone, and with a scowling facial expression. “I do Executive and Life Coaching and some of my clients, very well-known and established individuals in the corporate world, still grapple with unresolved memories from their past,” he shares. “Many of these painful memories have something to do with incongruent communicational experiences they had in their childhood days.”

 

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Effective parent-child communication

 Thus, when it comes to parent-child communication, Ampil suggests parents use the mnemonic device “MAC”, which stands for:

1. Message

What is it exactly that you would wish to communicate across? It is very important to know beforehand and with precision the message you wish to convey.

Often, parents simply blurt out statements mindlessly out of sheer frustration. While their emotional outburst may be understandable, parents have to be aware that the damage done to a child who does not yet possess enough resources to process such difficult moments do reach out into the child’s adult years. What makes things even sadder is that such behaviors are often carried on when these children grow up to be parents themselves.

2. Association

To what would your “communication exercise” be associated with?

Everything we experience is associated with something (whether tangible or intangible). As an exercise, think about a tangible object, say a mobile phone. Now imagine a mobile phone. Chances are you would have a particular design in mind. That is the “association” you have made with the words “mobile phone.” Do the same thing with an intangible concept such as “success” or “love.”  Imagine “success” and chances are you would have associated the word “success” to a tangible object or a scenario (for example, receiving an award).

3. Congruence

 Is your communication action aligned in terms of message and behaviors?

Using "MAC" with your kids

Ampil gives the following example to show how “MAC” can be utilized in the parent-child communication context:

Message

“Let us say that your child has misbehaved to an extent wherein spanking would be the appropriate response. What message would you want to communicate?  Often, in the confluence of many other concerns and irritants over and beyond the misbehavior issue at hand, parents may overreact and actually project some frustration and hostility into the act of spanking the child, in excess of what the misbehavior would have warranted.”

Ampil goes on to explain, “Parents should learn to isolate the incident, as the child may be confused as a net effect of the disciplinary action if such were imbued with other factors not of the child’s doing. 

“That is why while it is ideal to commend, and discipline, at the point of the incident, there is also wisdom in calming oneself down so as to ensure that as a parent, your disciplinary behavior is not excessive and communicates your desired message,” Ampil says.“It would be good to remember that as parents, you would wish to ‘punish’ the ‘bad behavior’ while still communicating love and acceptance for the child.”

Association

Let’s assume that in your household, it is an agreed policy that a misbehavior would deserve one spank. “And you, as the parent, unwittingly use your hand to slap the child’s palm, in a rather forceful manner. What association would that behavior generate? Your hand would now be associated with pain and displeasure toward the child,” he says. 

“So when you want to give the child a hug, you would be using the very same ‘instrument’ (your hands) that you had used to inflict pain and express displeasure. It would be best to use an external object (perhaps a ruler) for the purpose of spanking a child,” Ampil shares.

“But under no means should you use your direct body (such as your hand).  And do the spanking at an area not associated with other emotions that would conflict with ‘pain,’” he advises. “So as a parent, it would be better not to spank the child’s hand, nor face, nor shoulder area. The posterior would be an ideal area to spank.”

Congruence

Finally, Ampil encourages parents to ask themselves:“Are you congruent in your behavior?” We need to remember that we desire to communicate that a specific behavior of the child is not acceptable in your household. “You would not wish to go overboard by making statements like ‘you are a worthless child,’ or ‘why couldn’t you be more like your Kuya or Ate who are both well-behaved?’” he says.

Related story: 5 Phrases Parents shouldn’t Use on Kids

Similarly, Ampil tells parents to make sure that their tonality and facial expression are also appropriate for the occasion. “Sometimes, when we come home tired from the office and we have to confront an issue at home that requires discipline, our tonality and facial expression may carry with it some of the stress from the office. As a result, we communicate ‘rage,’ instead of displeasure over an ‘action’ (not the child himself/herself),” he says.

 

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The Do's of non-verbal communication:

1. Do be congruent.
Ampil exhorts parents: “If there is one rule that you could walk away with, it is this:  Make sure that your message is congruent. That is, match your words with your tonality and body language.

“If your child is requesting for your attention while you are working on the computer at home, take a minute to look at your child, put your hand on his shoulder, give him a smile, and remind him of your house rule that when you are working in your ‘work area,’ you are not to be disturbed,” he says.

This way, Ampil says you have affirmed your child and have reminded him of your house rule — “all in the period of 1 minute. And you do know that you would miss those days the moment he grows up and starts seeking for advise and information...  elsewhere.  So savor the moments with them while they are still with you. Remember that you are raising kids, not garden grass.”

2. Do be present.
Ampil says another way to communicate with your child is to simply be around them and be present for them. “It does not have to be direct interaction with them all the time but as long as they know you are around, they would grow up with a sense of security,” he explains.“This is similar to the analogy of an ‘anchor.’  If we know that our ship is securely anchored, no matter how the waves and winds may rock the boat, we rest easy in the knowledge that we are secure.”

3. Do be“touchy.”
Parents should also do a lot of “touching” (i.e. hugging, patting on the back, giving your children piggy-back rides on your back, etc.), according to Ampil.  “Our present culture is so skewed toward technology such that parents/children may even text each other although they are in the same room!” he exclaims. “‘Words’ can be heard from the TV, from video streaming over the Internet, from your music gadgets, and other sources — but nothing can replace the value of the human touch.”

4. Do be respectful of ‘personal space.’
Ampil says that while it is very important that parents be “around” their children and make them feel their presence, it is also critical that children know that we parents know that they are entitled to their personal space.

5. Do be comfortable with silence.  
Ampil actually encourages parents to practice using non-verbal messaging.  “If your son makes an insightful remark, wink at him and give him a ‘thumbs up’ sign,” he says. “Practice using different postures, facial expressions, methods of maintaining eye contact, gestures, touching, and being respectful of ‘privacy’ and ‘space.’” We must remember that non-verbal communication accounts for 93% of the total communication experience.

In conclusion, Ampil exhorts parents to remember that words only account for 7% of the total communication experience. “Our tonality accounts for 38% and our body language accounts for 55%. We actually communicate in a non-verbal manner 93% of the time!” he emphasizes.

So even if we feel that our words are clear and understandable, Ampil reminds us that “the tonality with which we express them, coupled with the different elements of body language (such as posture, gesture, facial expressions, etc.) have great potential for muddling our intended message.”

“Congruence is a very important factor to keep in mind in all of our interpersonal interactions.  Be aware of the importance and the role of non-verbal communication. As adults and working in corporate settings which places a high premium on spoken and written (verbal) communication, parents should recognize that non-verbal signals occupy a larger percentage of the total communication experience,” he says.“And in terms of psychological impact, the child’s subconscious actually remembers the non-verbal messages from his childhood more than the spoken word.”

In other words, we parents should definitely watch our actions, as well as our words because — in many cases — actions really do speak louder than words.

Next story: How Proper Encouragement Raises Kids’ Confidence

Photo by Photography by Servando via flickr creative commons