Playing Referee: How to Settle Fights Between Siblings

Photo from littlekickers.ie

This article was updated on March 14, 2015

When petty bickering turns into a full-force battle, do parents always have to intervene? Not necessarily, says psychologist Arsenio Alianan, Jr., Ph.D. of PyschConsult, Inc. Jumping into every sibling dispute can sometimes keep kids from learning the art of peaceful communication and compromise.

Just like with any other social skill, children need numerous opportunities to practice conflict resolution under the guidance of their parents.


Reasons for Fighting
“Kids can fight over anything no matter how seemingly insignificant to us adults,” observes Lala Garcia-Devera, early childhood caregiver and owner of Discovery Day Care in Scarborough, Ontario, Canada. Young children can also be quite moody—one minute they’re malambing to one another, the next minute they’re refusing company. It’s their way of learning to be assertive and independent.

Common conflicts among kids ages 2 to 6 years involve sharing of toys, competing for attention, and invasion of space.  Dr. Alianan explains the real culprits behind the fighting in the following cases:

“Give me back my toy!”
Toddlers are learning to assert themselves by holding on to their toys or by monopolizing a game or an activity. As they start to interact with kids their age, they also realize that others don’t always agree with them or feel the same way they do. Kids only see things in their own perspective, so they’ll say or do what they want, like grab another kid’s toy, unable yet to empathize with what the other feels. In turn, this provokes the aggrieved party to assert his or her right by grabbing the toy back. And so the fighting ensues.

 

“Mama and Papa love me more than they love you!”
Young tots demand exclusive attention, affection, and affirmation, especially from their parents. They love to take center stage, savoring the idea that they can please or entertain others. Combine this egocentric quality with their inability to take turns and youcan just imagine the kind ofstress preschool teachers faceevery day.    

“Get out of my room!”
This is a simple case of clashing personalities. Very young siblings are typically curious—so they can’t help but explore ate’s or kuya’s room and tinker around. Older kids relish their personal space, and so take great offense—if not throw a teenaged fit—if anyone, even  innocent little siblings, intrudes.


Stand Back, Stand By
While imposing punitive measures is a shortcut for exhausted parents to quiet things down, allowing kids to resolve a quarrel on their own can provide more meaningful and lasting benefits.

Devera opines, “[Solving problems on their own] is a skill that will last kids a lifetime. They will need this to get along with people.” She admits that she would sometimes leave her kids Serena and Santiago to slug it out—and surprisingly most of the time, they do find solutions to their own conflicts. “Sometimes I just wait until one of them approaches me to tell me what the problem is, then I try to let them figure out what is fair and what is not.”

At Discovery Day Care, which she runs at home, Devera watches up to seven children ages 1 to 3, including her own two kids, every day from 7 a.m. to 5 p.m. She observes that the children usually fight over toys. When they do, Devera takes it as an opportunity to teach them about sharing and taking turns. “I let the child that had the toy first play with it a bit longer, then urge him to share it once he is done,” she illustrates.

With proper guidance, children must be given the opportunity to make choices: which toys they want to play with, what shoes they want to wear, what snack to bring to school. This helps them learn to trust and value their own feelings.

Children who are taught to assert themselves effectively by expressing their feelings and needs while respecting the feelings of others will grow up neither victims nor aggressors. Such kids will more likely be able to resist peer pressure and relate well with their peers and co-workers when they grow older.

 

 

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Still, some situations require parents’ intervention. You’ll know it’s time to mediate when:

1. Hurtful words dominate the spat.
When the dialogue has veered from the issue and has become an exchange of cruel and disrespectful remarks (e.g. “You’re stupid!”) and maybe even bad words, it’s time to draw the line.

2. Fighting gets physical.
Since they can’t express themselves clearly, kids sometimes resort to hitting to release their frustration. Whether it’s a “harmless nudge” or an “innocent push,” parents should intervene. Otherwise, kids might conclude that physical aggression is a valid way to solve problems.

3. One child is bigger or older than the other.
Intervening between two siblings is one way of teaching older kids to practice tolerance toward their younger siblings. At the same time, you also teach your bunso to be more respectful of ate or kuya.

4. A child begins to lose self-control.
You know the squabble has gone too far when your child is already bawling, screaming, or throwing a fit. He can neither  reason nor be reasoned with fairly in this frazzled condition.

5. Bickering has gone on too long and in circles.
You’ll easily recognize when an argument is going nowhere (e.g. “Did, too!” “Did not!” “Did, too!” “Did not!”). Don’t let it reach boiling point, and don’t bother asking who started it. Since kids have short attention spans, at this point, they’ve probably even forgotten how the fight started.


How to Step In and Sort It Out
When kids have obviously lost control of the situation, parents should know how to step in and ensure a fair intervention.

“It may be impossible for parents to be around all the time to mediate,” says Dr. Alianan, “but proper conflict resolution needs to be modeled to [kids] as much as possible.” This means that in the end, all parties involved must be willing to compromise and to give in to the other’s needs and wants.

 

Dr. Alianan adds, “We need to teach children how to negotiate, how to have  civil discussions and mutual agreement.” As soon as you see that your kids have learned the basics of a peaceful negotiation, you may eventually allow them to resolve differences on their own.

But until that time comes, our step-by-step guide should help you establish—and hopefully maintain—the peace at home:

1. Quash the Squabbling
Calm everyone down while keeping a cool head yourself. Separate children if they begin hitting, pushing, or threatening each other. If they can’t stop the bickering on their own after much pleading from you, you may have to use “muscle”: pick them up one by one and bring them to different rooms or areas that are far enough to keep them away from each other for a time-out—this will give kids a chance to think and settle down.


2. Identify the Problem
Gather the kids and encourage them to take turns in telling you what happened. Remember to address the problem, NOT the person—so don’t prioritize whose fault it is as much as what can be done to fix the problem. Besides, immediately putting blame on one child will discourage him from resolving the conflict, thinking that in losing his parent’s sympathy, he has already lost the fight.

Remember that toddlers only think about their own feelings and have little understanding of social rules. They primarily express themselves non-verbally, so you will have to feed them words to describe their feelings and the reason for the quarrel. For example:  “Are you sad because...” or “Were you angry that kuya took away your toy?”

With preschoolers, you can help them describe the dispute with simple “Why?” and “What happened?” prompts. Parents should stay in charge of the conversation, using gentle, constructive words, and asking questions every now and then to clear some statements.

 

3. Seek Possible Solutions
The goal is to devise a win-win situation for both parties. Ask the kids to cooperatively come up with suggestions on how to settle the strife fairly.

If kids were fighting for your attention or over concrete objects like toys or food, Dr. Alianan suggests a simple solution: alternate, even for just 30 seconds each. Be patient and make sure that each child gets his turn. “Oftentimes, after about three exchanges, the children no longer want the toy in question,” he assures.

However, Dr. Alianan advises against forcing children to share when they’re not ready to do so: “Respecting the prerogative of a child to hold on to a toy is a message that must be sent clearly if we expect the child to respect the requests of others.”

Of course, limits need to be clearly set when the child obviously hogs all the toys most of the time.

Devera says that her strategy in appeasing “sharing” issues with toddlers is to offer a different toy to the other child, which works well with children aged 2 and below. “If a toddler grabs a toy from a baby, I’d tell the toddler that grabbing is not acceptable, then ask her to give the toy back. If the toddler really [wants] that particular toy, then I would tell her to get another toy to offer to the baby and trade it for the toy that she wants,” she illustrates. Devera says this has worked all the time since the baby will always find a “new” toy more interesting than the one he has played with already.

 

4. Set the Parameters for Future Battles
Remind kids about the importance of good manners and respect, such as keeping voices down and applying the appropriate turn-taking skills (when to speak and when to listen). Hold them equally responsible when these basic rules are violated.

If they can’t come to an agreement on their own, assure them that you’re always free to listen and help arbitrate. Allow each child to express his or her feelings to you privately.
Remember: the way parents resolve conflicts and disagreements sets a strong example for kids. If you can offer a calm, respectful, and productive resolution, children will most likely adopt the same positive approach next time.

As kids grow up, their needs evolve. Their changing personality and anxieties affect how they relate to others. Expect the usual challenges— whining, backtalk, defiance, and generally turbulent behavior—as kids fully explore each developmental stage they are in.    

If you can already hear y[previous|page|next]our warring brood as you step in the house from a long day at work, take five minutes for yourself to regroup. You must be the paragon of cool-headedness when taking control of kiddie squabbles.