Mend Your Communication: These 12 Roadblocks May Be Keeping You From Listening To Your Child

The Philippine elections are over, but the animosity continues for many. Whether it is openly expressed or swept under the rug, this post-election hostility has caused many to drop family and friends who carry a different political point of view.

Even during the campaign period, we have witnessed political families being torn further apart after declarations of support were made for opposing candidates.

We don’t need to look far, within some ordinary families are election-related misunderstandings, that if left unmanaged may escalate into deeper conflicts.

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Recently, there have been some parents who expressed worry about how strongly opinionated their children have become on political views, fearing that they are being too vocal against the government.

Vice versa, there are young people who have expressed intolerance for adults who seem to be gaslighting or questioning their understanding of things simply because they were not born yet during the Martial Law period, for instance.

Unless it is okay for family members to remain estranged from each other, it is important to understand what got them there in the first place.

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Dr. Thomas Gordon, a clinical psychologist, identified 12 roadblocks that get in the way of good listening. The same roadblocks can be applied to what is happening in some parent-child relationships as a result of having different political views.

Below are the 12 roadblocks and some examples that may be heard from either the parent or the adult or adolescent child.

12 roadblocks to listening

1. Ordering, directing, or commanding.

This means exerting dominance in a forceful manner.

• Person A: “Don’t support political dynasties. Stop voting for trapos.”

• Person B: “Unfollow so-and-so on social media. She’s not your real friend.”

2. Warning or threatening.

This implies danger or a hostile action if the cautionary advice is ignored.

• Person A: “You will be red-tagged if you continue to associate with that group.”
• Person B: “Don’t you see? We will lose foreign investors and our economy will surely suffer because of what’s happening.”

3. Giving advice, making suggestions, providing solutions.

Here, the person draws up a set of unsolicited recommendations without valuing the views of the other.

• Person A: “If I were you, I wouldn’t waste my energy debating with people whose minds are already set.” 

• Person B: “Why don’t you try to get out of your echo chamber to see what’s really going on out there?!”

4. Persuading with logic, arguing, lecturing.

This happens when one party tries to give reasons or cite facts with the intention to convince the other to drop their beliefs.

• Person A: “The Philippines was better off decades ago. There was noticeable infrastructure and the peso-dollar exchange rate was competitive. We’re in a worse situation now.” 
• Person B: “The Philippines is in so much debt right now. Every single Filipino will need to pay X amount in order to pay the debt. Even your unborn grandchildren are in debt.”

5. Moralizing, preaching, telling them their duty.

With an aura of superiority, these people see things as only black or white.

• Person A: “As a member of this religious group, you ought to follow its leaders.”

• Person B: “People who shamelessly vote for XX are enablers of corruption and injustice.”

6. Judging, criticizing, disagreeing, blaming.

This is to indicate fault in something that is causing misery and misfortune.

• Person A: “You are being too idealistic. You have to be more practical.” 

• Person B: “Your candidate spreads too many lies about the other.”

7. Agreeing, approving, praising.

While this might sound like a good thing, sometimes approving an idea implies that one is superior to the other person.

• Person A: “I’m glad that you young people think this way.”

• Person B: “You should be proud that you switched to the better candidate.”

8. Shaming, ridiculing, labeling, name-calling.

Here, the person is more overt with criticism.

This is similar to what others refer to as cancel culture, where one discredits the other by publicly ostracizing them.

• Person A: “You are only a kid, you weren’t even born yet during the Martial Law era. What do you know about it?
• Person B: “You are a troll! Our country is doomed because of people who are as toxic as yourself.”

9. Interpreting, analyzing.

This happens when one attempts to explain things by extracting hidden meanings.

• Person A: “Are you trying to say that I’m stupid because that's what you’re implying right now!"
• Person B: ”What do you mean? First, you said this, now you said that? You don’t make sense at all!”

10. Reassuring, sympathizing, consoling.

There is nothing wrong with comforting others, especially at a time of loss. However, it may sometimes block real communication when the person tries to minimize feelings. Sometimes, people just need to feel their grief in order to heal completely.

• Person A: “Don’t feel sad. Just move on.”

• Person B: “That’s the way elections go, there is a winner and a loser. Trust God.”

11. Questioning, probing. Again, this is not wrong in itself.

However, it is still considered a roadblock if the person uses questions to divert the flow of thought to another direction.

• Person A: What’s making you so angry still? 

• Person B: What do you think will happen next? What if it doesn’t?

12. Withdrawing, distracting, humoring, changing the subject.

Sometimes, when left with nothing to say, people may use humor as comic relief, especially in a very awkward heated conversation.

• Person A: “Anyway, Did you see this funny video that went viral?” 

• Person B: “I’m done. I’d rather watch my K-Drama.”

Listening reminders

Being aware of these roadblocks will minimize further ill feelings. The next time you catch yourself falling into these traps, apply the S.T.O.P technique:

• Stop what you’re doing
• Take a breath
• Observe what’s going on, then 
• Proceed with calm. 

By listening reflectively, you endeavor to be responsive rather than reactive. Very Well Family defines active listening as "a pattern of listening that keeps you engaged with your conversation partner in a positive way.

"It is the process of listening attentively while someone else speaks, paraphrasing and reflecting back what is said, and withholding judgment and advice."

The skill of active listening makes the other person feel seen and heard and is useful both at home, in schools, and at the workplace. 

RELATED STORY ON LISTENING: 3 Tips That Will Actually Get Your Child To Listen

Dr. Gail Reyes Galang is chair of the Family Studies program of Miriam College where she also teaches under the Department of Psychology. She is currently the associate director of the Center for Peace Education.