Parenting Teens: This Unexpected Analogy Makes It Click

If you’re parenting a teenager, congratulations: you’re basically living with a cat in human form. Or are you? 

Teenagers, like cats, are sleek, unpredictable, allergic to hovering, and somehow always hungry. One minute, they’re sprawled on the couch like royalty, smiling at their phones. The next, they’re sulking in their room, insisting they’re “fine.” It’s fine.

This might sound frustrating, but it’s actually a helpful way to reframe your parenting style. Instead of expecting your teen to act like a loyal golden retriever—tail-wagging, eager to please, always ready for hugs—try seeing them as a cat: independent, mysterious, and secretly attached to you, even if they act like they’re not.

Dr. Michele Alignay—a mom of two teens, author, speaker, parenting consultant, part-time psychology lecturer at Miriam College, and member of Smart Parenting’s Board of Experts—explains that adolescence is when kids start discovering who they are outside the family.

“As early as puberty or middle school, you’ll notice they begin telling parents, ‘Mom, stop doing that,’” she says.

“They start asking to make their own decisions. They push away. For example, they don't want to be kissed in public, they prefer hanging out with friends, and they want a life beyond the family. It’s part of the individuation process during the teen years.”

In psychology, individuation refers to how a person forms a separate, distinct identity—an idea introduced by psychoanalyst Carl Jung.

According to trusted mental health resources, signs of Individuation include: 

• Seeking Privacy: Wanting more alone time, sharing less about daily life, friendships, or crushes. 

• Self-Focus: Becoming absorbed in their own world; struggling to see others’ perspectives (a.k.a. adolescent egocentrism). 

• Challenging norms: Pushing back on family or cultural values; exploring new beliefs or politics. 

• Changing Appearance/Style: Expressing individuality through fashion, hair, or music—often clashing with parental tastes.

“You don’t pounce like a dog. You stay a cat.”

That’s the advice of Dr. Aliza Pressman, a developmental psychologist, in her podcast, “Is There A 'Right' Way to Discipline & Reward Your Child? (Science-Backed Strategies).”

Be calm, patient, present, and strategic. Don’t chase. Don’t panic. Don’t hover. Hold your ground with quiet confidence.

“‘Cause you don’t want your kids to think, you can’t handle my truth,” Dr. Pressman says.

Here’s why this works—and how to channel your inner feline when raising your not-so-little one.

“Well, we can actually charge it to hormones. They're going through a lot,” explains Dr. Alignay.

“They're going through a lot of physiological changes. They technically don't know so much about what's happening to them, because deep inside, they want to be their own person. They want to feel and be like an adult, but at the end of the day, when they're at home, there's still a kid inside,” she adds.

Studies show that adolescence is a “time not only of physical maturation, but also of mental and emotional development into an independent, responsible adult. The major developmental tasks of adolescence include the establishment and nurturing of intimate relationships and the development of identity, future perspectives, independence, self-confidence, self-control, and social skills.”

During adolescence, the brain is going through a massive renovation. The prefrontal cortex—the part responsible for planning, impulse control, and decision-making—doesn’t fully mature until around age 25, according to research. This explains, “Adolescents may exhibit increased risk-taking behaviors and emotional outbursts, possibly because the frontal lobes, which are responsible for judgment, impulse control, and planning, are still maturing.”

This neurological chaos creates behavior that’s erratic, unpredictable, and often infuriating—a lot like a cat batting at a glass of water just to see what happens. One moment your teen is screaming to be treated like an adult; the next, they’re shutting down just because you dared to ask how their day went (and expect you to read between the lines).

The said research also highlights, “Understanding the ongoing maturation of the prefrontal cortex helps parents and educators set realistic expectations for adolescents’ cognitive abilities.”

Seeing teens’ behavior as developmental rather than disrespectful is crucial. When you realize they’re not being “difficult” but simply navigating their own wiring, it’s easier to stay calm and not take their mood swings personally.

Here’s the thing: If you chase a cat, it runs. Similarly, if you push a teen too hard, they pull away or shut down. “Cat parenting” is a different approach: less hovering, more observing, and a whole lot of strategic calm.

Here’s what that looks like in practice: 

1. Don’t let them run the show. “Support them, but also set limits,” says Dr. Alignay. “It's not that they run the show. Okay, I would give you three hours for that, but at dinner time, we need to be together as a family,” she says as an example.

2. Give them space, but stay close.  Cats like to know their humans are around without being smothered, and teens are no different. Be present—reading a book, cooking dinner, or folding laundry nearby, without peppering them with questions. “Always ask, not in a form of attack, but of observation. If you have a very good relationship with your child, you can ask them,” says Dr. Alignay. “It's setting limits, setting appropriate limits, but allowing them to have that space on their own.”

3. Let them come to you.  Try forcing a cat to cuddle. Exactly. It doesn’t end well. Similarly, when you stop forcing conversations, your teen is more likely to open up on their own. “I think parents need to recognize that (they need) to be at the sidelines, not at the forefront,” says Dr. Alignay.

4. Stay calm during drama.  Cats don’t freak out when something falls off the counter; they simply flick their tails and observe. Do the same. Parents who remain calm— even when their teen is emotional or makes mistakes—create a safe space for growth. 

5. Make room for growth (and let go a little). “This is the season of allowing,” reminds Dr. Alignay. “Let your child become attuned to their process of individuation while also assuring them that, ‘Hey, I'm here. I'm not leaving. I am just on the side. I'm letting you fail. If you may fail, I'll just be there. I'm not gonna catch you all the time, but I'm gonna give you tissues when you cry. I am gonna give you a hug when things go rough, but I'm not gonna live your life for you, because that's part of the individuation process.’ That's also a part of resiliency building.” Dr. Alignay adds, “So this is actually a process of slowly letting go, but not fully letting go. It's just being there, being present.” 

6. Stay curious, not controlling.  When your teen shares something shocking or confusing, don’t react with fear or judgment. Respond with curiosity: “That’s interesting. Tell me more.” Just like sudden movements spook cats, sudden judgment shuts teens down.

7. Respect their territory. “This is a very good time for parents to always check themselves: Issue ko ba ‘to or issue ng anak ko?” says Dr. Alignay. “And always remind themselves that their child is going through a process of becoming who he or she is, and I am going through my own process of being who I am as a parent to a teenager.” Respecting their space shows trust, which makes them more likely to open up and share.

Parenting teens can feel lonely. The sweet, chatty child you once knew has been replaced with a moody, headphone-wearing mystery who seems allergic to family dinners or and shrugs at small talk.

Remember toddlerhood? Back then, your child clung to you for safety. Now, they’re learning independence, testing boundaries, and figuring out who they are. This push-and-pull is part of growing up.

Still, like cats, teens can form deep emotional bonds. They just show it differently.

By staying calm, steady, and present—true cat-parenting style—you give them a safe environment where they can explore and grow without fear of losing your love.

Growing up doesn’t have to mean growing apart.

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